Crafty...kinda

I've never ever ever considered myself a crafty person. You'd think, "you're a graphic designer, you should be able to do crafty stuff." No, no, i cannot do crafty stuff. I can't cut a straight line with scissors. I have a horrible handwriting. I like to paint and draw, but not crafty stuff. Can't do cute hearts or fun squibblies or anything like that...my kids are going to hate me. Scrapbooking is completely out of the question. 

But, this year for Christmas, I wanted to do something semi-crafty and homemade for cutsie little gifts for folks. I wanted to make ornaments out of clay. I wanted to make stars. Ha! The stars did not work. So, I thought...what is the easiest shape to make out of clay that Ruth can't screw up. A ball...sphere, if you will. So, I started rolling...and baking...and painting. And I ended up with these. 

I thought they ended up pretty cute and I was proud of myself for doing something somewhat crafty. If you're a guy reading this, I apologize for the über girly post. You'll be okay. 

Musings...if you will....

These are some things I've been pondering for awhile now, but none of them really had enough depth to consist of a full post...so, I'll mash them all up into ONE. GINORMOUS. MEGA-POST. Except it won't be ginormous...it'll be like...regular. 

Is it just me or has anyone else figured out who would be the one entity that would be left standing after a global nuclear explosion...thing? Ants? Nope. Bees? Nope. Roly-polies? Nope. AT&T? Yes. I have, through extremely complicated and too difficult for you to understand reasoning, deduced that the company known as AT&T will, in fact, be the last person standing in the case of a global nuclear explosion...thing. They own everything now. I mean, look around. There is nothing that AT&T doesn't have their logo on. They even have their own bottled water.

The other day, I went to the store because David got me a new phone and I had to go pick it up. So, I go into the store and the specialist, named Amber, is all sweet and happy and she'd like to know if I need help setting up my phone. Before I could respond, she opens up the box and strips the plastic shield off the face of the phone. SHE TOOK IT OFF! YOU DON'T TAKE THE PLASTIC SHIELD OFF RUTH'S PHONE! ooooh...I didn't say anything to Amber because she was really nice, but...I mean, you just don't do that. It takes me at LEAST two months to take it off on my own. It really was a testament to how inwardly strong I am. So, now, I've resorted to carrying my phone around on a velvet pillow...trimmed in gold tassels...until the impenetrable, NASA forcefield case I ordered comes in. You just don't take the plastic shield off someone else's phone, people. That's like ripping someone's heart out and showing it to them and then throwing it on the ground and stomping on it...and then picking it back up and rinsing it off and handing it to them, but right before they can put it back in, you throw it down again...in the dirt. Honestly. 

I'm sorry, but are these not the CUTEST boots you've ever seen?? I usually don't go with the trends...I try to steer clear of them...but these were too good of a deal. David, I saved you SO much money. I really did. And they're so comfy. I can wear them with anything! 

I'll never get tired of Valentine heart message candy. FRIEND 4 EVER, GOOD 4 ME, GOOD 4 YOU, YOU ROCK, HONEY PIE....love it!

I've learned that if the critics hate a movie and give it horrible reviews, it's going to be a GOOD movie and we should go see it. If the critics love it, more than likely, we're going to hate it and we avoid wasting the time and money. Movies, for me, are a form of escapism...I've talked about this before...why would I want to go see a movie full of people dying? I am not into artsy fartsy indy films. I think I've seen maybe three indy films that I liked. Now, this is just me, I know a lot of folks like them. Bride Wars got awful reviews from the critics, so I knew I was gonna like it. And sho nuff, I did. I mean, what were you expecting, Mr. Critic? For it to be a life-altering event for us? No...it's about brides...at war. I mean, really... Now, I will say there were about 3 dudes in there with us...out of maybe 70 people in the theatre, so don't take your man friend to see it with you, cuz he'll be miserable. 

Is anybody else caught up in the musical movie genre right now? I'm infatuated with it! I've always loved musicals...but Hairspray and Mamma Mia! and the High School Musical movies...I can't get enough. I'm honestly 14 years old. 

I'm soooo over winter. I was over it before it even started. 

I miss The Office.

I'm ready for Lost to be over with. I love that show, but gosh...please end soon. Why did I start watching it from the beginning? Why didn't I wait to Netflix the whole series after it was done and over with? Why? 

Have you ever sat and wondered how weird eyebrows are? I mean, really. They're just there. I know what purpose eyelashes serve, but what do the eyebrows do? They're so funny. I always think of that episode of Friends where Joey gets his eyebrows waxed, but he could only stand one getting waxed and they looked all wonky and Chandler says, "Look, it's a baby caterpillar chasing its mommy."

Well, I think that was about it. 

For You, Ladies...

For very expensive lessons, please call 555-1-800-RUTHAWESOME or email me at ruth@isveryawesome.com 

Blooper reel...

Yay!

My blogging buddy, Jamee, gave me this award...

The award states “This blog invests and believes the PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers!”

I'd like to dedicate this award to the incredibly cool folks who devote a few minutes (sometimes hours, cuz you know I like to talk) of their day to read my ramblings. 

I'm soooo, super excited! Thank you, James (can I call you "James"?)!

THIS right here...

THIS right here is why I have outbursts of monumental rage whilst blogging...I'll be typing away happily and up plops a kitty. I mean, it's like I'm invisible...I don't even exist to her...except when she's hungry or wants what food I have in my hands. She insists on lying directly on whatever we're doing...whether it's David's CPA study books or my still-wet painting or our keyboards, obviously...she has to be in the midst of it all to remind us that she is, in fact, the queen of the universe.

What, two posts in one day?! Oh hush, I've done it before...you'll be okay.

New Years' Tourists

So, I LOATHE going to tourist traps and doing tourist things. Yes, when you vacation or travel or whatever, you are a tourist...and I LOVE taking pictures and looking up at tall buildings and doing those types of tourist things, but I'm talking about tourist trap destinations....like Gatlinburg, Tennessee. If you live nearby, I'm sure you've been to it at some point during your life. Now, before I get cyberslapped, give me a second...I love Gatlinburg. I have since the first time I went with my family forever ago. I've been countless times...we used to go at least every two years. The Smoky Mountains are beautiful. I remember staying in some cute condo or cozy cottage or comfy cabin (I didn't plan for the alliteration, it just happened) and going hiking every single day...staying out until it got dark or until one of us passed out (I get my hiking dictatorship from my parents). We'd pack snacks and lunches and tons of water (except once...and we had to drink out of the creek...ahh, just kidding...we stole some other folks' water). After supper, the 'rents would take us downtown to Gatlinburg. We never stayed in town, so it was a treat to go down and see the lights and ride the sky lift (which now costs a whopping $11.22/person...which is RI-FLIPPING-DICULOUS). We'd always play laser tag and putt-putt and we'd always get a load of junk from Aunt Mahalia's....world's most magnificent maker of gourmet candies...and for some reason, I always wanted Runts...yeah, the stuff you can get at Wal-Mart --- for the ever-living LOVE OF IT, GET OFF ME, BLUE. Blue, the cat, will not get out of my face. Okay, she's gone. If you blow in her face long enough, she'll leave. --- Anyways...where was I...ah, yes...in town. And a few little goofy things like the Illusion Museum and Haunted House. There was also Ober Gatlinburg with the ice-skating and another, bigger sky lift than the stupid expensive one downtown and sky tram to take you up to the top.  So, Gatlinburg was a sweet, quaint, little mountain town until, one day...the king of tourism, King Tourist, threw up allll over Gatlinburg and alas, it is today what was left over after the incident. I'm just kidding, it's not that bad.

The Smokies are still beautiful and they really have cleaned up the town a lot and made it more family friendly (it was dumpy there for awhile). And most of the original stuff is still there. All I'm saying is, I'm not accustomed to going to the mountains and not hiking. I guess I could have said all of that in just that one sentence, but oh well. So, when we got a free trip to stay in Gatlinburg, it took every ounce of will power I have to not go hiking. But since we were there just for this past weekend, I knew we didn't have time to do everything. Our good friends, Zack and Malinda, came with us and I know I know I know not everybody likes to do outdoorsy stuff (no hippie comment from you, Malinda. I didn't make us go hiking, DID I?).

SO...for the first time ever, I was a hardcore tourist. And you know what, I had a BLAST! We stayed in town...we ate at all of the good restaurants...we played putt-putt...we went ice-skating...we went to Ober Gatlinburg on the sky tram...we rode the sky lift to the tippy top and it was just beautiful...we did a mirror maze (yes we're all 24 and older and it was so much fun!)...I ate my weight in candy from Aunt Mahalia's...it was alllllll good. Anyways. I have completely changed my views on being a tourist and yes, I really missed going hiking, but it was nice to just hang out in town.

I apologize for the lo-res pictures. I plum forgot my camera and I used my phone the whole time.

This is me and David riding the sky lift at Ober Gatlinburg. The boys got off at the Alpine slide and rode that down. Malinda and I joined up and rode to the very top.
This is inside Aunt Mahalia's...oh...so good. If you eat one pecan praline, it meets your recommended sugar allowance for 3 years.

These are some new Jelly Belly Flavors. I'm going to read them to you: Skunk Spray, Licorice, Rotten Egg, Buttered Popcorn, Ear Wax, Café Latte, Booger, Juicy Bear, Baby Wipes, Coconut, Pencil Shavings, looks like Tap Banana ??, Toothpaste, Berry Blue, Vomit, Peach, Moldy Cheese, Caramel Corn, Black Pepper, and Plum (Really, Jelly Belly? REALLY?)
This is me and Malinda ice-skating.

David and I ate at Hard Rock Café. I had the best ribs I've ever had...ever.

David and I walking downtown at night. It was mighty cold.

We played Adventure Quest putt-putt. Indoors and warm. This place has been there since...well, forever. I love it. You search for clues throughout the course and if you find them all, you win a prize. Used to, the prize was a free ticket to the Illusion Museum...this time, it was a Mardis Gras necklace. REALLY, ADVENTURE QUEST? REALLY? I was beyond disappointed. I still took it. I mean, we won it fair and square.

Fine Eatin'

A Southern tradition, the New Year's Day meal is probably my favorite meal of the year...even more so than Thanksgiving. And I love me some Thanksgiving, so you know I looooove the New Year's Day meal. I'm actually related to the two men who started the tradition many many ages ago...after living in North Carolina for several years, they decided to head further South. They were sea captains and one of their good friends, another sea captain, lived in South Carolina and they stopped off at his house on New Year's Day to pay him a visit on their way down. All he had to eat were peas and rice, but it was enough for the three friends. It was the first New Year's Day meal. And yes, the two sea captains were in fact Bogue and Weejer. 

Throughout the years, families have added more flavors and their own personal touches to the meal...making it even better. For as long as I can remember, we've always eaten that same meal on New Year's Day. When I met David, he had never had it, so, of course, I had to introduce him to the fantastic-ness that is The Meal. 

Well, we totally just finished eating it and I'm just sitting in a pool of pure exuberance. My tummy is so full and my eyes are saying "Please please please let us close." But, I'm like, "No! It's 7:16 pm. Pull yourselves together!" 

If you've never had this meal, then you've never truly lived. So, go ahead and start preparing for next year...

Each aspect of the meal has a certain meaning/something it will bring you and you're supposed to eat it so you'll have that throughout the year. Here's what you eat...collard greens (do y'all remember the collard greens episode of the Office? "I wish I had brought some colored greens." "It's collard greens." "Stanley, that's just ridiculous, you don't call them collard people. That would be offensive." ha...funny episode). Now, you can make your own collard greens and be in the kitchen for 92 years or you can buy them in the can...like a normal person. The collard greens will bring you greenbacks. 

You'll also need black-eyed peas. You can get other kinds of peas, but why would you want to. The peas will bring you luck and peace. 

Then you'll need some rice...any kind will do, but I mean...white rice is the least healthy, so might as well, right. We load it with butter...so, it's more like yellowish rice. Or you can do what my mom did when we were kids and get the blue butter (remember that? It was right on up there with the purple ketchup) and pour it all over your rice and cornbread and have blue rice and green cornbread...mmmmm mmmmmmmmm....that makes everything look appetizing. (It took us awhile to be able to eat rice again after that.) Rice will bring you riches. 

That leads me to cornbread. Mexican cornbread, sweet cornbread, your momma's cornbread...whatever. I like the sweet kind. It's like the sugar fairies came and sprinkled their tears throughout the batter and make it that much more joyful. Cornbread will bring you gold. 

Last, but MOST DEFINITELY NOT LEAST, are the hog jowls. They are about as gross looking as they sound...but gosh...ON EVERTHING THAT IS GOOD AND WONDERFUL IN THIS WORLD...they are...wow...they are...they make the angels cry...they make poets go blind just by writing lyrics about them...they make babies laugh for the first time...they're wonderful. When you bite into the crispy fatness, it's like biting into pieces of merriment and joy. Actually, that's what the jowls will bring you...joy and happiness. You can hear Handel's Hallelujah chorus playing softly in the background when you eat them. Hog jowls come from what's left after everything else on the pig has been used....it's what they trim off the fat off the bacon. One strip of jowl is basically 4 pounds of lard, 2 cups of pure unadulterated saturated fat, 3 tablespoons of cholesterol, a dash of ecstasy (the emotion, not the illegal hallucinogen), and a pinch of glee. Those of you who are judging me right now for eating them are the ones who have never tasted them. Ha...who's laughing now. 

Anyways...David is an awesome jowl cooker, so I took care of the rest of the meal...we threw in some sparkling orange juice, which had a bit of a kick to it...liked to have knocked me out...little bit sour...I, um, I would drink it with caution...or wear a helmet...and lit some candles and had a wonderful meal. Definitely a great way to start the year. 

We do eat healthy the rest of the year, so we go all out just the one day...otherwise our arteries would be completely clogged by February. The entire meal costs about $7 for four people. Mainly because they basically give you the jowls for free. And the whole point, in the words of sea captains Bogue and Weejer, is to "eat poor one day so you can live richly the rest of the year." You can't make this stuff up. 

Look at that cornbread. LOOK AT IT!! Thank you, sweet angel tears. 

This is half of the grease from the jowls leftover in the skillet. I would have put up a picture of the raw jowls, but I was afraid people would die after seeing them. 

Isn't it beautiful? It's like a song...on a plate.