Hospital Fun

Up until almost three weeks ago (wow...time warp), I had never stayed in a hospital, never had a broken bone, never had stitches (except for when I had my wisdom teeth taken out), never been really sick. Oh wait...Sara did fracture my tail bone when I was 13. Thanks, Sara, for landing on my back...heifer. With Dad being a doctor, I've visited the hospital a lot. I've visited friends who were in the hospital. I've never liked hospitals. They smell weird. They're filled with sharp things. People who work there dress alike. It's not natural. And I've seen a lot of medical TV shows...and everything on TV is real...so, I was a little anxious about the whole hospital experience.

You know what...it wasn't all that bad. I had plenty of dislikes...but I had a lot of likes, too.

Likes

The babies were born! That means, most importantly, I get to have them! I can hold them, kiss them, tickle them, look at them...all of it...whenever I want. It also means, YES FINALLY THEY ARE OUT! I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! My skin is clearing up. My nose, OH MY GOSH, MY NOSE, is back to it's original size. Praise the Lord for that. I can wear normal clothes again. I can get out of bed like a normal person again. I can hug my husband again. I can lean over the sink to look in the mirror to get out that obnoxious black head again...well, not the same zit...but just that I can pop zits again. Anyways. But yeah...mostly I'm glad that I get to have the girls now and they're right here in front of me instead of tap dancing on my bladder. Everyone is much happier about this.

Cutie pie doctor. We'll call him Dr. Cutie Pie...because he's a cutie pie. Since Dr. Mac was out of town, he wasn't able to come visit me during my stay at El Hospital de Awesome. So, several other doctors from the practice came to see me. One of them being Dr. Cutie Pie. He and his wife also had twins. (Giggle giggle) We're pretty much BFFs. Strangely enough, I was also doing something extremely in appropriate whenever he came in to check on me. Whether I was standing stark naked in the bathroom - door wide open, or sitting in a chair pumping, or standing in the middle of the room attempting to pull my pants on - not quiiiiiiiiite fitting (stupid me for thinking I could fit into those cute pajama pants I bought just for the hospital)– it was always something kind of inappropriate. He would laugh and I would say, "I'm sorry...I don't plan this." David said it was like I was a weird stalker always finding some "situation" to be in when he came in. Ha ha...no. It was just that I didn't care who saw what of me because I was sick and tired of those stupid green gowns and it was sooooooo hot and I was irritable unless I was naked. But anyways...Dr. Cutie Pie.

How about those mesh panties. If you're a woman and you've been in the hospital for a stay, chances are, you've experienced the mesh panties. How fabulous are those? Mom and I would sneak several a day into my bag to take back home with me. I'm pretty sure I didn't have to "sneak" them seeing as how they probably cost 1¢ (that's Option/Alt 4, for those of you who can never figure out how to get that blasted cent sign) to make. They were SO comfy. And very stylish. I ran out...so, it's normal undies for me again. I miss the mesh.

You can order all the food you want...any time of day. On the day after you have your baby/ies, they'll even bring you a strawberry and banana smoothie for an afternoon snack. Delicious. But DON'T YOU DARE try to order one again the next day. Because SHEILA will let you know right away that, "No. You only get a smoothie the day after your baby is born." And don't try to throw the "I had twins, I should get two" at her, because SHEILA ain't budging. But other than that, yay for ordering food!

The nurse call button. Push it. "Can I help you?" "Uh yes...we'd like someone to come get Piper Lee for the nursery now." "I'll get your nurse." Push it. "Can I help you?" "Can I order regular food from the dining room now? How much longer do I have to be on this clear liquid diet?" "I'll get your nurse." Push it. "Can I help you?" "I would like a million dollars." "I'll get your nurse." The nurse never came with the million dollars...but she usually brought drugs...and these fabulous, huge things of that chewy ice. That was pretty much as good as a million dollars, so I didn't complain.

All the juice and jello and graham crackers you could want. Amazing how simple foods can make you so happy.

For neat/clean freaks like me, knowing that my hospital room and bathroom were sanitary. My bed sheets were changed daily...new towels, gowns, blankets every day. So cozy.

The huge plasma TV. Not that we watched it a lot, but it was there...just smiling at me. Maybe that was the morphine...................

The remote controlled bed. THAT was fun to play with. Head up...legs up...head down...legs still up...legs down...head up just a little...now start over again. It was like a ride at Disney World. And I was in complete control.

I would say morphine drip...but I'm afraid y'all'd start thinking I was an addict.

Dislikes

Those green gowns. I mean...what is the point of them anyways. Might as well be wearing nothing. Or just wrap the patients in cellophane. Sure, they've got the ties in the back, but honestly...who has time to tie those. And they're not a good color on anybody.

All of the needles. They put a lot of needles in me. I was tired of that after awhile. The scab from my IV needle was pretty big. Although...I guess this one is kind of a like/dislike because that IV did give me the good drugs, so I won't complain too much.

The nurses checking my blood pressure and temperature EVERY 5 SECONDS. I wanted to say, "Can't you see that I'm alive!!?? Stop checking my vital signs. I'm breathing...leave me alone!" Blood pressure cuffs hurt.

Cankles. WHOA CANKLES. You guys should have seen my ankles and feet. HUH-larious. Not even normal. They went back down about 4 days after we got home from the hospital. I asked my mom if my calves and ankles had always been this skinny and gross. She assured me they had and that I just didn't recognize them because I hadn't seen my real legs in so long. (I have an issue with my calves...no matter what I do, I can't put on muscle there. True story. It's ridiculous.)

All the little wrist bands you have to wear. I mean, they look soooo cool and all, but they're just in the way. I'm not huge bracelet person. Not huge bracelets...but I'm just not big on bracelets. I like them, just not on me. So, having four wrist bands on for a week (I had to keep wearing Harper's ID band so they'd let me see her in the NICU), was a big deal for me. And oops, I took two of them off during my showers because they were easy to slip on and off (the other two were basically fused into my skin) and one of the nurses saw them and was like, "Ohhh...yeah, don't take these off or else they'll think you stole the babies." And I wanted to say, "Don't you come back here without that baby, H.I. Watch his fontanel, H.I. I love him soooooo oooo oooooo muuuuch." But, I resisted the urge and put my bracelets back on.

SHEILA in the cafeteria. Nazi food lady. No smoothie for you!

The fact you can't have water HOURS before a C-section. I was like, isn't our body 139% water?? Sheesh.

All in all, it was a good experience and now I can say I've had staples and internal stitches and needles all over the place and I have a cool war scar...that no one will ever see...except David, of course...tee hee...Stop it, Ruth!! That's the kind of thinking that got us into this mess.

But, I'm glad everyone is home safe and sound. Sleeping peacefully...please stay peaceful, little girls...so quiet...and peaceful...and quiet......

We went to the pediatrician again on Friday for another weight check. So...how about this...he said, for the girls' age, he would have been happy if they had gained 3-5 ounces in a week, right. Most babies gain about 7 ounces in a week at this stage. Well, my "little" premature twins have gained 15 ounces (Harper) and 14.5 ounces (Piper Lee). They're now 7 pounds 8 ounces (Harper) and 7 pounds 3 ounces (PL). What the what?! I know, right. Even the doctor was shocked and kind of laughed. I freaked out and said, "Oh my gosh, I'm making my babies HUGE!" And he reassured me and said it was great news and he was very happy with their weight gain...he was just surprised I had been able to produce enough milk. And once again, we get into the "Ruth is a cow" conversation. He just said it wasn't common for a first-time mom to produce that much...and then he jokingly asked if I had a secret baby years ago that I was hiding from the world. That was...funny...and weird. We all got a good, awkward laugh out of that. Ha Ha...Ruthie's secret love child...ha...funny.

Then, the worst thing EVER...they did those heel sticks. I bit straight through my tongue to keep from crying when the lady stabbed the dagger of sorrow into my sweet, innocent babies' perfect little heels and then squeezed all of the blood out of their bodies onto this STUPID piece of paper with these STUPID HUGE circles that had to be filled with their precious baby blood. (That sounds morbid...baby blood...) Anyways...they quieted down soon after when we gave them some chocolate cake. Juuuust kidding...by chocolate cake, I meant bottle. What an ordeal. Thankfully, we don't have to go back again until mid-February.

My mom headed back home on Thursday and David's mom came up and has been with us. So, the girls have gotten spoiled by both grandmas and they are loving it. David's mom is heading back home tomorrow and my mom is coming back up to stay with us some more–she asked how long I wanted her to stay...I'm trying to break the term "forever" to her in the most gentle way possible–so I've been very very very thankful for the help. Could not do this by myself. This past Friday, I was able to go to my girls' supper club at Malinda's house for a fabulous supper and a DVR'd Project Runway. It was wonderful! It felt so good to hug my gal pals' necks and hang out and be a girlie girl for a little bit.

Anyways. About time to feed the gremlins...again. The vet said to not let them get hungry...you wouldn't like them when they're hungry. Yes, I said vet. I really think my kids are half grizzly bear. You should hear them eating. Rawwwr rarrrrrra raggh rarrrrgh rarrrrrrrrrrrrrgh....MOOOOORE!

I'll write another post later about the girls' nicknames...

Piper Lee - Houdini

Harper - Mighty Mo

These kids are ridiculous.

Alrighty Mom, calm down...here are some pictures.

"Can I have a little chocolate? Just a little bit...just a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit. Tiny little bit. That's all. Just a smidge."

Finally, I can get some rest. You guys keep me up all night. I'm exhausted. Keep it down, okay.

Yawn. Booooring. Next performance, please.

Hey heeeeeeey...Fat Joey...how's it goin'? D'you see Louie this aftahnoon? Lookin' good, lookin' good. O. Kay. You tell Blue Eyes he bettah watch his back.

I'm pretending to sleep. I'm asleep. See? Eyes closed.

I don't know what's going on...I don't know if I'm pooping or not. You tell me.

Droooooool... (do you see that spot on her hand? That's where that silly IV was in the NICU...poor thing. :( )

Trying....to...sleep...no more pictures....

Don't think I don't know what you're doing over there.

I grew up on the streets. Stick with me, kid...I'll show you the ropes.

My, what big eyes you have.

All the better to steal your soul with.

Whaaat? What's at my head? What is that? Ducks?! Noooooo, not ducks!

Oh...whew...relief. Just sister's feet.

Wonder Twins...Powers, ACTIVATE!

Harper: She's in my space...she's really smothering me. Moooom...she's in my space. Tell her. No, you tell her. We drew a line...she's on my side of the line.

Piper Lee: (Snicker, sicker)...I just left you a present on your side of the line...sister.

Aaaaaaaaah, PIPER LEE! HONESTLY! What did you eat??

We're not talking right now.

Bleeeeeeegh...frog.