Parenthood

You probably wonder when I have the time to ramble online when all I do is complain about lack of sleep. Well...after every feeding, it takes anywhere from 1 to 180 minutes to get the girls settled back down. While I'm sitting on the ottoman talking to them or gently spooning Benadryl into their mouths (joke) to help lull them to sleep, I grab the computer and type a little here and there. I takes me about a week to write a post. So, picture me sitting in the dark at 2:00 a.m....face aglow from the light of the laptop...patting the girls on their bellies...feeding them their muzzles...ahem, pacifiers...that's where I am right now.

There's this new TV show coming out called Parenthood and their advertisements are pretty funny. One of them showed clips from the show alternating with little captions that said, "Parenthood...the reason some animals eat their young." Now, I'm not gonna eat PL or Harps...well...............nah, I won't eat them...BUT, only being four weeks (on Wednesday) into this whole parenting thing, I can understand the concept.

Yesterday "morning" I "woke up" and could not, for the life of me, figure out what day it was. Not day of the month...day of the week. I was debating between Monday or Tuesday. Finally consulted my phone to see it was Monday. Sad.

I've learned a lot in the past four weeks...wow, has it really been four weeks? That means, I haven't been out of the house once (except twice to check the mail, once to go to supper club, and once to go to Target with David) in four weeks. I haven't seen my friends in four weeks. I haven't fixed my hair in four weeks. I haven't brushed my teeth in four weeks. Ha, that one was a lie. I brush my teeth every minute.

We have to do a lot of laundry. A LOT of laundry. I didn't know this, but babies are messy. Who knew, right? You'd figure they'd be cleaner. It's not like they do anything during the day. David and I used to do a load of laundry about every other day. That's all we needed. Now we do about 2-3 loads in a day. Most of which is baby stuff. These kids spit like camels. They up-chuck. They poop and pee...you have to put diapers on them. I thought they came out knowing how to use a toilet. They had nine months to learn that. Lazy. We have to change their clothes 2-4 times a day. They don't love that, but I remind them they have no one to blame but themselves. I say, "Well, when you feel the need to regurgitate, there are plenty of burp clothes laying around...just grab one."

It's amazing how little sleep the human body can survive on. Early Sunday morning/maybe late Saturday night...one of those...David and my mom inform me that both of them are feeling nauseated and spent the remainder of the night and all day Sunday in the bathrooms...doing...stuff. Yep...stomach virus. Seeing as how we've been living in a hygienically uncompromised Bio-Dome, we're not really sure how they got it. Amazingly, neither myself nor the girls have been infected...oooh, infected...sounds like a movie...Baby Zombies...Bombies....Zabies (no, that one sounds like a disease.) My dad seems to think it might have something to do with the fact that a year and a half ago, when David and I were cruising in the South Pacific, I got Norwalk's, the 24-hour cruise ship virus. And, I possibly still have the antibodies from that, which I, in turn, gave to the girls. SUPER MILK. So, anyways. I had to take care of the girls by myself all night long. Mom ended up going home because she couldn't be around the girls. Sweet, amazing, wonderful sister Sara came and stayed all day with us. David couldn't really help us because he was still contagious and couldn't touch the girls. It was the CRISIS OF THE CENTURY for me. I cried pretty much the entire day until I dehydrated and shriveled up into a dry, emotionless husk of the person I used to be. Sara came and hugged me for awhile and David gave me air hugs. I've never been so exhausted in my entire life. I slept about 3 hours in a 24-hour period. That's probably why I can't remember what day of the week it is. Anyways...God is good and blessed us with a new day. David's fever went away and he felt like himself again. But, we're still being super cautious and David's been wearing gloves and not really touching the girls. We were by ourselves last night for the first night since they were born...and you know what, we survived. My Mom is feeling better and coming back on Wednesday...YAAAAAAAAAY! I look amazing. I think the new trend should be dark circles under the eyes.

Soooooo...I wanted to say thank you guys so much for your encouragement and comments about the breastfeeding. Y'all cracked me up and it was very very very helpful and informative. I'm still going to breastfeed every now and then, but right now, it's working best for us (my boobs) for me to pump and bottle feed. I know there's a bonding element when you breastfeed, but it's been really hard for me to bond with little Cuisinarts who are grinding at a very personal area. I mean, have you seen babies' gums? Really, have you looked? They have razor sharp edges with barbs and glass shards. It's like feeding a piranha...times two. And I'll bond with them later, when we go shoe shopping. But, I'm definitely going to pump and continue to feed them super milk. It's a hassle, but it beats $300 a month for formula. I need that money for diapers.

Everyone told me "Enjoy every moment because it goes by so fast and they won't always be that small or cuddly." I'm going to get a lot of hate for saying this, but I'll be honest, the newborn stage is not my fave. Yes, they are small and cute and cuddly and I absolutely LOVE their little hands and feet and noses and I LOVE to hold them and squeeze them, but not too tight, because they can break, you know. But, they'll go for HOURS without breathing sometimes and I'm constantly checking to make sure their chests are moving. They seem so fragile. I'm even worried about hurting their floppy little ears. Oh, and their hair is falling out. Is this okay? It really is like a Baby Zombies movie. It's just that I worry about every little thing. I freaked out the other day because I thought there were "growths" in their nose...nope, just boogers. I mean, I'm a crazy person...well, crazier person. Also, she added selfishly, I'm ready for them to start sleeping longer. I read that the introduction of solid foods will make them sleep almost the entire night...like 8-10 hours. So, David is grilling them steaks tonight. I know, I know...I'm sure y'all are sitting there saying, "Yeah, just wait...when they're 2, you'll wish they were newborns again." I'm sure I will. But at least they'll sleep longer...hopefully.

Did you know that if you don't feed a baby the MOMENT it grunts in hunger, THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL IMPLODE ON ITSELF IN A FLAMING HOLE OF NOTHINGNESS AND DESPAIR? True statement. It is the end of everything according to the twins. We constantly remind them that we have not forgotten about them and we will indeed feed them and there's no need to bless us out if it's been three hours and one minute. Demanding little suckers. And actually, I'm on borrowed time right now...it's been about three hours and 15 minutes. I'm living on the edge!

My abs are CRAZY. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "abs" seeing as how they're more like mush. I can feel my muscles tighten and relax when I get out of bed or a chair and when I stretch, it feels faaaabulous. But, I'll touch my stomach and tighten my "abs" and nothing. I can literally push through and touch my spine (ewwwww, what if I really could). Not that I had a six-pack before, but at least there was a response when I tightened my tummy. It's just so soft. Tee hee...it's really funny when you think about it. I told Sara it felt like mud. Just two more weeks and I can work on them again. Ah...to get back to a workout routine again. I miss my speed walking.

Well...Mylicon is liquid gold. That's all I have to say about that.

Right after the girls were born, they wheeled me into recovery and in walks a nurse with a tupperware container who says to my nurse, "Where do you want the placenta?" My nurse, Lesley, says, "Right there on that table is fine. I'll fill out the paperwork for it in a second." I thought maybe I was hallucinating, but yes, there sat my placenta (gross) in a Gladware plastic container. So, THAT'S why they make that size........anyways. I ask Lesley, "What are you doing with it? Is something wrong?" She assures me, "No, no, it's perfectly fine. The hospital always sends off multiples' placentas for research at [some university I forgot the name of up north] to see how twins and higher order multiples are formed and how they differ, etc." I was kind of like, "Oh, okay. I can tell you how they were formed...on a sunny day in May...in Charleston, South Carolina.........." She said I would get the report of their research in the mail and yesterday, it came in. All it said was..."This is the highest level of midi-chlorians we've ever seen." I KNEW it.

As much as I whine and complain, I absolutely love parenthood. I'm still so very new at it and I have so much to learn, but I can't imagine life without my sweet daughters. They have brought us so much joy and I wouldn't wish it any other way. They make me laugh, they make me cry (happy tears). I could stare at their faces for hours...just studying every perfect centimeter. They're identical, but they're two miracles from God and I am so grateful that He gave David and me the responsibility to take care of them and raise them for His glory. It's incredibly humbling. I probably get carried away a little bit when thinking about their futures. David rolls his eyes when I get all excited about helping them pick out their wedding dresses and their china and their husbands...oh yes, they will be arranged marriages...with interviews, background checks, drug tests, polygraphs, the works. The love I have for these two munchkins is overwhelming. They always say you never know the feeling until you have kids and sure enough...it's true. I never realized.

Okay, gonna go pay some bills. These girls need to start walking soon so they can get jobs and pay for their keep. They're expensive little moochers.

Sara (Aunt Moo [Mooser]...see Nicknames) came and stayed with us last night and out she walks from her shower in this...a onesie to match the girls. It was kind of creepy...scared me a little bit.

Hmmm...I'm thinking...I'm thinking...No. You cannot pull that color off. Go change.

What's this...what is this...oh, this. This is the Sympathy Violin. It plays a melody in honor of me not caring about your plight. It's a beautiful song. Hear it and weep. And take your complaints elsewhere.

And by elsewhere, I meant thattaway.

Heh. Hehehehe. The rumble you heard did, in fact, emanate from me. It was aaaaallllll me.

I could break your face with my forearm. Look at it...look. at. it. and. tremble.

DRAAAMA. Away from me, thouest you.

Sigh.

Yes, I heard it. Well, talking about it doesn't make it any less scary. It's out there. It will probably eat us...shh! There it is again. OHH...WHEW...it's just Daddy snoring. We're good.

I tip my hat to you, sir.

Come one, come all and see the dancing contortionist baby!

Lieutenant Piper Lee reporting for blah blah who cares.

We LOOOOOVE Star Trek...just like Poppadoc!

Make it so, Number One! Ohh...make that number two.

Am I still? Do I look still? Do I look asleep? Am I looking like I'm still? Look how still I can be. Look at my chin...if I hold it like this, I look really still.

Harper (L): I'm looking...looking...okay, they're gone.

Piper Lee (R): Good. Let's talk.

Harper: So...world domination. I'm thinking we start small...Luxembourg.

Piper Lee: I'm thinking we start your mom. I vote bigger. We plan big, we win big. Rhode Island first.

Harper: Well...fine...I'm just saying you always bite off more than you can chew. Do I need to bring up the 4.5 ounces...remember what happened the last time you begged for that extra half an ounce? It wasn't pretty.

Piper Lee: You said you would never mention that again. I KNEW you would throw that in my face.

Harper: Well, you threw it in Mom's face.

Piper Lee: YOU........

Harper: SHH! Someone's coming! Be gassy...drool...something!

Piper Lee: Baahh...gooo...I'm a baby...see how cute...bababa bubbles...fart.

Piper Lee

Harper Missouri

Me at 35 weeks...5 days before the girls arrived.

Me at 39 weeks...two days before their due date, January 28.