Monday, October 10, 2011

Melvin: Part 3

I know you're probably thinking, "If he's driving you crazy, why do you keep using him?" Well, truth is, we thought the A/C ordeal was over. The last time Melvin was out here, I told you he was going to put in some substance to fill any leaks in the lines that were leaking freon. I THOUGHT he had done that. But he kept calling and calling and calling and finally David called back (you have to time your calls with him, because you'll be on them for about 30 minutes) and he was like, "I was wondering when I could come back out and put that stuff in." And we were like, "Uh, we thought you did that." He replied, "Oh, no no. I was just saying that's what needed to be done."


So, Melvin...actually, I found out his name is MELTON. But, he kept answering to Melvin, so how was I supposed to know?...Melton, came over Monday afternoon. Figuring it would be a 30 minute fix, I was slightly surprised he was here for 3 hours. Actually, I don't know why I was's Melton. David was actually off Monday, THANK GOODNESS, so he was able to be somewhat of a distraction so I could get work done. It would take 15 posts to give you a run down of the whole visit, so I'll just sum it up in my favorite Melton quotes.

David was outside with the girls. Melton was in the garage up in the attic. I was working at my desk. Melton peeks his head through the garage door...

"Ruth, hey, oh hey."

"Hi, Melton (still calling him Melvin at this point)."

"Those girls sure are a blessing."

"Yes, they are. We're very proud of them."

His head goes back inside garage. Twenty-seven seconds later...

"Ruth, hey. I'm a safety nut and it looks like your Murano needs some new tires. I just hate seeing someone ride around in tires that need to be changed."

"Oh yeah, thank you, we know. We have an appointment this week to get them changed and rotated and balanced. But, thanks."

Head back inside garage. Fifty-four seconds later...

"Ruth, hey."

(sigh) "Hi."

"Do you guys have smoke detectors in every room?"

(confused) "Uhm, no. Just the hallway, living room, and kitchen."

"Well, I'd really prefer it if you had smoke detectors in every room."


"And just get David or you can do it if you want, and one of you hold up a broom handle and push the button while the other one goes around in all the rooms to make sure you can hear it from every room in the house. And do that with all of them."


"Anywho. I'm gonna get this put in and get out of your hair."

(to myself) "That would be pretty spectacular."

Head back inside garage. Fifteen seconds later...

"I see you have a gas container here in the garage."

(perturbed now) "Yes. It's for the lawn mower. It's empty."

"Well, I would prefer it if you wouldn't have any gas containers at all in the garage. When I was the volunteer fire chief a few years back, you would be shocked to hear how many houses exploded because of gas containers left in the garage. There was one time, the entire family died. The mom, the dad, the two kids, the cat, the dog...I even think they had a gerbil...every person in that family died."

"We'll make sure to take it out. Thank you."

"Good, good. Because I don't smoke, do you?"


"Good, excellent! I'm proud of you. Good. That's good. Too many young people smoke nowadays. Now, I mean, I used to smoke when I was young, but way back then, everybody was stupid. I mean STUPID. Good, don't smoke."


"I think your neighbor smokes."


Finally, he got finished injecting that stuff into the unit. Then, he declares he's not "just searching for something to do" but he was wanting to look at so and so filter to see if it needs to be changed. Had we ever had it changed? We said no, we didn't know there was such a thing. So, of course, he's gonna have a look-see. But, he reiterated that he wasn't just looking for something to do and I'm like, "That's EXACTLY what we think you're doing!"

An eternity later, and he comes down with some weird tube looking thing. He asks us both to look had a little gunk in it, but it wasn't clogged.

Melton says, "I've seen some that were so clogged, I had to get my proctology brush out and spend an hour cleaning it."


Y'all, Melton is a sweetheart. Really. But, he's so bored and he loves chatting with people, people who are busy, and he's a teensy bit of a busybody. But, when he was FINALLY done, he hugged us both...I could feel his wiry chest hair on my face through his thin shirt...and told us he loved us (??) and that we were a precious family.

It's one of those situations where you're like, either he's really a sweet person who loves life and just likes to help people and give them advice about safety and treats everybody like his own children and grandchildren. Or he's a serial killer.

Regardless, the A/C is finally done and ready for the next homeowner.

Proctology brush?!?!?!

1 comment:

  1. "I think your neighbor smokes"

    hahaha what a hoot.
    At least he's observant!


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