I've pulled a muscle or something in my lower regions and it's crazy annoying getting up and down out of my desk chair or off the couch or out of bed or really just being alive.
Went to the doctor on Wednesday. Still zero progress. I was kind of discouraged about that. I'm just soooooo ready. Dr. Mac said, "Well, it's very easy to reach the cervix," and I thought, "WELL, OF COURSE IT IS! There's 1,000 pounds of baby directly on it!!" But I didn't say that. He said I have two more weeks to go into labor on my own and then we have to talk "alternatives" and possibly schedule a C-section. Definitely not wanting that, but I told him I'm up for whatever is best for the kiddo.
So, guys, I have a little less than two weeks. What can I do to get this sucker OUT?
In the movies and celebrity magazines, they make pregnancy look so glamorous. And, a lot of aspects of it are. It's a miracle of life. It's such an incredible blessing. You experience so much. But both times, I only felt "glamorous" about 3-4 weeks total out of the whole thing. The first half, you're so sick and puny and don't care about how you look. The second half, you're so huge and waddly and uncomfortable and don't care about how you look. At least that's how it was for me. There ARE some people that don't get sick and don't get huge and I hate them.
Oh, and I realize I did this to myself and shouldn't whine. I know. We wanted kids and God has blessed us richly and I'm so thankful. And there are some amazing things that come along with it. And then some crazy gross things that nobody ever tells you about.
- Hey, you get a teeny tiny squishy lovey softy little baby out of it.
- Your fingernails and hair grow like crazy and are super strong.
- Strangers are a lot nicer and more personable to you. Lots of "good lucks" and well wishes.
- You can park in maternity parking spaces (although those are hard to find).
- So far, I can still shave my legs. That is a feat in and of itself. I'm pretty proud I can do that.
- That's about it.
- You can't breathe during the last few months. I get winded standing up from my desk and walking to the kitchen for water.
- Getting in and out of bed is just ridiculous. If only I could sleep standing up.
- I have to get the girls to help me put on socks. That makes for some interesting foot fashion.
- Strangers are a lot nicer and more personable to you. Yes, this is in both categories. You end up sitting next to a wildly chatty individual who asks all sorts of questions and wants to tell you about their daughter-in-law's pregnancy from beginning to end. You get a lot of un-asked-for pregnancy and parenting advice and all you can really do is just nod and smile. And you get a lot of when are you due's, which is fine, but when you tell people and they make a crazy face like, "Holy baby! Still that far away?" it kind of hurts your feelings. You get a lot of "are you sure it's not twins...heh heh" and you just have to respond with, "No, just one. (sarcastic smile) I'll SHOW you twins, FOOL," and then you break out your fists. Usually those types of comments are from men, though, and they're scared of pregnant women and they think they're being funny. And they get punched.
- Toward the end, you physically can't do anything anymore. I have to lower myself to my knees to switch the laundry from washer to dryer and then get somebody to help me up. If nobody's there, I just stay put for awhile.
- I have almost nothing left to wear. It's sad when even your "big" pajamas are uncomfortable. David's offered me his pajamas, but the last time I wore his pajamas, I went into labor with the twins and ended up wearing a Mario Kart shirt and Batman pants to the hospital, so...thanks, baby, but no.
- You (at least I do) get giant man hands. Not only do my hands swell, I swear they just get bigger all around. And your blood volume doubles when you're pregnant, so the veins protrude like a million times normal. If Chuck Norris ever lost his hands in a freak accident, the U.S. government would come to me and ask me to donate my hands...for the greater good. My man hands could be repurposed to suit Chuck Norris' good deeds.
- My stomach looks like a map. Rand McNally would be impressed. Veins everywhere. I've actually plotted a course for our next trip using the monster vessels on my front.
- My thighs are touching and they make all kinds of noises when I walk. Thwap thwap. It's stupid.
- I sweat like a man. It's actually pretty impressive. Your body temperature is a little higher anyway and then baby is warmer than you, so it's like a little heater in there all the time. I have to drink 100,000 oz. of water a day to keep from dehydrating. And it's not the season or weather. I sweated like this when I was pregnant with the girls and I had them in December. I just basically turn into a dude.
- This kid moves twice as much as the girls did. Now, I don't know if that's because the girls had less room in there. I could feel them moving all the time, but this little guy literally will make my desk chair roll back. He's so strong. It's like a kangaroo in there. And it's really creepy. I get a little self-conscious in public. I've scared a few kids. It's kind of worked a little to my advantage, though, because it's getting close to Halloween and that's always fun.
- All of your doctor appointments toward the end are "those" kind of appointments. And doctors and nurses are all up in your bidness and it's just awkward and they try to have normal conversations with you and you're like, "It's really okay if we don't talk right now."
So...to sum up...pregnancy is a lot of fun and it's gross and uncomfortable and I love babies and kids and the end.