Co-Workers = Friends

Every job I've ever had, I've always taken away with me amazing friendships that I know I'll have forever. I honestly think that God led me to a few of those jobs just to meet those people. Just like I think God led me to camp that year when I was 15 so I would meet that guy and develop the hugest crush, like, EVA, OMG. But in reality, God wanted me to meet and develop a friendship with his sister, who I adore and love and I know I'll always have that relationship with her and be insanely jealous of her fabulous red hair. So, see...funny how God works things out.

My current job situation...I'm a stay-at-home graphic designer and I have several clients, but I have one for whom I do contract labor and about 99% of my work is for them. And I absolutely love it. And them. You know I don't disclose a ton of personal information...like, I'll give you my SSN and credit card info, but my birthday, that's where I draw the line. So, I won't give you the name of the company, but I will tell you that it's a wonderful and caring place that hires ex-convicts...helping them find themselves, rehabilitate and assist them in stepping back out to make their place in today's society. They're a pretty rough, ragtag group of folks...I won't name any names...most of them having been arrested for soliciting (Katie), underage Bingo-ing (John Paul), midnight streaking through the neighborhood (Mrs. Patti), questionable sidewalk chalk artwork (Crystal), and illegal transport of Canadian maple syrup (Dalton). But they have the biggest hearts and they're doing great in this new program. I'm really proud of them. I'd like to introduce you to some of them.

This here's Dalton. He's from Canada, eh. He moved to America a few years ago because he was caught illegally transporting pure maple syrup across the border. And everybody knows that maple syrup is to Canadians as moonshine is to Americans. While here, he met, fell in love with, and married the boss' daughter, Lindsay Beth, and so he decided to stay. It's a good thing, too, because that commute would have been super lame, eh. Leslie Nielson.

This is Lindsay Beth, eh. (Do you ever try to make him say stuff just because it's funny to hear?) Aboot. Hey, oh, hey thee-er, hey. Maple syrup.

Oh, those two. They're just aboot the cutest couple ever.

This is Katie Christmas. She's the ringleader. You don't mess with her. She bites people. She solicits. She disturbs the peace. God still loves her, but He's got his eye on her. Don't let her sweet smile and designer sunglasses fool you. They don't call her Krazy Katie for nothing.

Katie is on the local roller derby team, The Deathers. You'd probably think she picked up this injury during a really rough game, but nope...it was after the game. The opposing team's captain made a snide remark about The Deathers' uniforms and Katie was having none of that...fighting ensued. Wheels, elbow pads, spit flying everywhere. The Deathers were victorious for a second time that night.

This is Stephanie. Don't be scared, this isn't her usual smile. You might think it looks like she maybe had dental work and the left side of her face was numb, but you'd be wrong. Usually both sides of her mouth are droopy, and normally one eye is kind of slanty and she drools a lot, but she seems to have been doing okay in this picture. Poor kid.
Ha...Steph's face. Bless her.

This is Sabrina. I think she got her hair cut. It's super adorable, btw. She was arrested for literally stealing candy from babies in the local park. Babies are pretty gullible and she used that to her advantage. So many babies out there without candy...all because of her.

This is Crystal. She's very artistic and creative...hence the sidewalk chalk incident.

She's married to John Paul. That's not John Paul in the picture. That's some other guy named Juan Paulo. Are you eating Cheez-Its? Gosh, I haven't had Cheez-Its since I was like 5...in Sunday School. I miss those things. They're known as the Bonnie and Clyde of the 21st Century. Before rehab, they robbed countless stage coaches...leaving thousands of 1800's merchants penniless in their wake.

The company has their own fighter plane. They like to fly over daycares and elementary schools and scare kids. It's pretty hilarious. Kids...screaming and crying in terror...ah, good times.

I THINK this is John. I've actually never met him in person. Hey, John! How is your wife? (They're having a baby!) I hope she's feeling better. John knows Greek. Probably because he's a top secret spy or something. I mean...probably because he just casually wanted to learn it one day...not because he's a spy...ah, I've said too much!

This here's all the gals. Well, not all of them. A few ladies weren't in the picture...Mrs. Patti, Annette, Beth, Tracye, BJ, Jane, the other Katie, Marie, Monica, Regina, Tanya, etc. (If I left someone out, it's only because I'm protecting your identity.)

Lindsay Beth, Crystal, Christian, Katie, Sabrina (is that Sabrina? She DID cut her hair), Stephanie, and Kelly. Instead of doing individual mug shots, the police department decided to have them all stand together, because they're usually involved in misdemeanors together and it saves film.

They live in the Siberian Tundra, as you can see. It's to keep them from escaping. Even though they're free citizens now, some people might not think they're ready for the real world yet. Who knows when they might slip back into their old ways.

This is Christina. She's from Russia and is trained in highly specialized martial arts and Ninja fighting power. She actually used to train secret military fighting forces, but one day...she went rogue. I can't say any more than that.

This is Justin. He's really shy, hence the silhouetted image. Doesn't like his picture taken...thinks it steals his soul. Actually, he's a bit of a celebrity. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Justin is Steve Jobs' nephew! So, obviously, Justin loves everything Apple and Macintosh. Sometimes, he'll be talking to his Mac Book Pro or iPad or iPhone or iPod (I just realized they all start with a "P", huh) and you have to just be like, "Geez, get a room." So weird.

For Christmas, look what these sweet folks did for me since I couldn't be there for the Annual Ex-Con Christmas Party.

This is the Boss and Lady Boss.

Katie and Kelly and CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!
This is Ben. That's his handwriting, too. Girl. (JUST KIDDING, BENNERS!)
John Paul + Botox
BJ, Justin's wife. I wish I had been there, too, Beej. Give Emmy a hug for me!

I love you guys! Y'all are the best ever and simply fabulous. I'm sure I'll see you this summer sometime. Can y'all send down the fighter jet this time?

Quid Pro Quo

Helloooo, Clarice.

Receptionists

We LOVE our pediatrician, Dr. Reminds. He's fabulous. Always makes us feel like we're his only patients...well, not me, but the girls. However, the receptionists at his office aren't...well...they're not the brightest stars in the sky. They're one fry short of a Happy Meal. Their elevator doesn't go to the top floor...if you know what I mean. These are actual conversations I have had with the receptionists at Dr. Reminds' office:

Ruth: Hi, this is Ruthie Pooh. I just had twins two days ago and I was told to make their appointment today to try to come in tomorrow or the next day.

Reception: Okay, Mrs. Pooh. What is your baby's name? And how old is he or she?

Ruth: Well...one of their names is Harper and the other is Piper Lee. And they're two days old.

Reception: Okay. I've got Piper Pooh down for 2pm tomorrow. And what is her birthday?

Ruth: Uhm...well...she was born two days ago, so December 30. And I need to make an appointment for Harper, too.

Reception: I thought you said her name was Piper.

Ruth: Yes, Piper Lee. And her twin sister is Harper. She needs to come in for an appointment, too.

Reception: Oh, it's two babies.

Ruth: Yes. Two. Twins.

Reception: Wonderful. Okay, so what is Harper's birthday?

Ruth: (sigh) The same as her twin sister's...December 30.

Reception: Same day?

Ruth: Yep.

Reception: And you would like their appointment to be together?

Ruth: That would be great.

Reception: Alrighty. We'll see you tomorrow for Piper Lee and Harper.

-----------------------------------

Ruth: Hi, this is Ruthie Pooh. I need to make a two month appointment for my twin daughters, Harper and Piper Lee Pooh.

Reception: Alrighty. Let's see what we have. Yes...Harper Pooh. And how old will she be?

Ruth: Well, she will be two months...at her two month appointment. And I need one for Piper Lee, too.

Reception: Oh, are they sisters?

Ruth: Yes. Twins.

Reception: Wonderful! Well, what is her name?

Ruth: (sigh) Piper Lee. Piper Lee and Harper Pooh. Twins. Two month appointment.

Reception: Okay, let's see...we've got February 22, will that work?

Ruth: Yes, that's great.

Reception: Okay, and what is Harper's birthday?

Ruth: December 30.

Reception: Alrighty, we've got you down for February 22.

Ruth: Great. This is for Piper Lee, too, right?

Reception: Who's Piper Lee?

Ruth: Harper's twin sister.

Reception: Oh. There are two of them?

Ruth: (twins usually come in two) Yes. Two.

Reception: Okay. What is Piper's birthday?

Ruth: (same day as her twin sister) December 30.

Reception: And you want the appointment for the same day?

Ruth: (Why OH WHY?) Yes, that'd be great for my schedule, thanks.

Reception: Okay. We'll see Piper on February 22.

Ruth: Harper, too, right?

Reception: Uh....sure.

-----------------------------------

Ruth: Hi, this is Ruthie Pooh. I need to make a four month appointment for my twin daughters, Piper Lee and Harper Pooh.

Reception: Okay. And what are their names?

Ruth: (kill me now) Harper and Piper Lee

Reception: Okay. Harper and Piper. And what are their birthdays?

Ruth: (here we go...) December 30, 2009.

Reception: And this is their nine month appointment?

Ruth: (really? REALLY?) No. This will be their four month appointment. December...2009.

Reception: And who is the appointment for?

Ruth: The twins...Harper and Piper Lee. Twins. Two. Daughters. Two of them. December 30, 2009.

Reception: Oh, there are two of them?

Ruth: Yes!! (sobbing) TWINS! (sobbing) TWO OF THEM. DECEMBER 30, 2009. TWO BABIES. TWO OF THEM. BORN ON THE SAME DAY! THERE ARE TWO OF THE BECAUSE THEY'RE TWINS! I SWEAR! BOTH OF THEM ARE COMING TO THE APPOINTMENT...ON THE SAME DAY...NOT UNLIKE WHEN THEY WERE BORN...ON THE SAME DAY (melting into a pit of despair)

Reception: Wonderful. Okay, April 27 for Harper and Piper Lee. Four month appointment.

Ruth: (a glimmer of hope) Yes. Yes, that's perfect. Thank you...thank you...I kiss your feet.

Snores Like Her Dad

So, still not a real post, but here is a video and some pictures to keep you until I can write something fo REAL fo real. Yep...fo real.

Harper "Mo" Missouri

Piper "Pip" Lee

Easter 2010

Flea, Harbinger of Doom, and Harper

"Hmmm...what is this offering you have brought me?" queries the great black predator. "The real question here is...'can I eat it?'"

"Looks like a human."

"Smells like a human."

"Has two hands like a human. HEY...two hands..."

"Put 'em to work, kid."

"Gotta earn your keep, half-pint. Ain't nothin' free."

"That's right...riiiiiight there."

"A little to the left...little more...liiiiiittle more.....yeaaaahhh."

"Not bad, shortie. Not bad at all."

"For your efforts...today you live."

"We'll see about tomorrow. I must return to the underworld. My minions await..."

On this very day...

In December 2008, when David and I decided to start trying for a family, I just KNEW we were going to get babied immediately. Ha. Didn't happen. Took us 5 months...fun months...but didn't happen immediately nonetheless. But, from the beginning, I had devised this huge elaborate April Fool's plan. Mom tries to get all of us every year. Usually she succeeds...sometimes she doesn't. Like, last year, she called me and said one of Dad's patients was looking for some graphic design work and he gave Dad his number for me to call him. So, Mom calls me and gives me the number saying, "His name is Mr. Lyons and he's wanting a website designed or something." A few minutes later, I call the number and it's the zoo. Stupid me still asks for Mr. Lyons. The lady on the other end was not amused and promptly hung up on me...it was then I realized Mom had gotten me. Or, like this morning, when Mom and Peter were cleaning the house and I was working (oh, we're back at my parent's for a few days), and I hear this incredibly manufactured SMACK and Peter comes barreling down the hallway and screams, "Ruth! Mom fell!! And she's bleeding!! Come quick!!" Of course, I immediately said, "April Fools...ha ha. I don't believe you." Not that I'm uncaring, but we're just a bunch of liars, so I knew it wasn't real. But he kept at it..."Ruth! For real! She's hurt! Come quick!" So, I get up and meander back to her bathroom to find her laughing on the floor...Peter patting her on her head...from where the invisible blood was pouring. She sat up and said, "Oh geez, Ruthie, you're no fun." Ha. Can't win 'em all, Mom. I'm on to you.

Anyways. So, like I said, since I just KNEW I would be pregnant soon after we started trying, I had planned to tell Mom weeks before that I had an ultrasound appointment on April 1, 2009. And then, on April 1, 2009, I was going to call her and tell her we found out it was twins. It was going to be the most perfect April Fool's ever, because she would totally believe an ultrasound phone call. But then, I didn't get pregnant until May, so when I called her that fun-filled June 12 to tell her it really was twins, it took her awhile to believe me. Dad didn't believe me either. Neither did Sara. Or my grandparents. Or Beth. Or Kinsley. I don't know why. I never just make up stuff. I totally stick to the facts. I never cry "wolf."

Guess the joke's on me. I lay low on April Fool's nowadays.