Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Around the Neighborhood

So, you know how I like to spy on the neighbors. I did it at the house and I do it in the apartment complex now. David caught me watching people the other day and said, "You know you're actually the person you fear, right?" But I told him, "If I watch them first, then I have the upper hand."

Mainly, I look out the front window to see if anybody is at the mailboxes because I'm usually dressed like a hobo and don't want to run into anybody checking my mail and have to talk to them. I'm so neighborly. And then, I look out the back windows to see who all is in the pool and whether or not I want to go out there.

Sunbathers don't bother me at all. They're quiet and keep to themselves and the sun. Most kids don't bother me. They stick with their little group and usually have an adult supervising that tells them not to run and splash. There are two guys that chain smoke which drives me nuts. I mean...drives me wild. There's nothing sexier than a greasy man sitting in the sun chain smoking and hitting on everything that moves. Then, there's this older guy that always brings three kids to the pool with him. Sounds weird, I know, but we think it's his grandkids. I am not exaggerating when I say that they are the most annoying children in the world. Seriously. It's an older girl and two younger brothers. And the man watching them just has in headphones (the old-school ones from the 90's) and barely looks up. Except one time, one of the boys dove through an inner-tube into the water, that man shot up out of nowhere and let the entire pool in on a scream-lecture about a friend of his who did that and was paralyzed. I mean, a good lesson, sure. But, dude...simmer down. You're scaring people. And of course, the kid was being super disrespectful and obnoxious. Thankfully, they usually only swim in the early afternoon and we don't go out until around suppertime. But, if they're out there, we don't go out.

The pool closes at "dusk" but people seem to have mixed ideas about when dusk is. I don't even know when dusk is. But, they eventually turn the pool lights on and couples will go out there and get all makey outey and yes, I admit, it's extra creepy when I watch that as opposed to seeing which kids are out at the pool. I kind of do see how that makes me the peeping tom. Eew.

There's a couple that has two Afghan hounds. Afghan hounds are GINORMOUS, so you'd wonder, "apartment, really?" But, apparently, they're really lazy dogs and good in small spaces. The man walks the hounds every day. I've petted the boy one a few times. His name is Pasha and he looks like a marble statue. His head comes up to my chest. The white girl one has put her paws up on David's shoulders before and David's head came up to her chest. They're very soft. They would make a good cushion.

Since the girls are visiting the g'rents this week, David and I decided to go out on a fancy pants date we hit up Olive Garden. YES, I LOVE CHAIN RESTAURANTS!! We met up with Malinda and Zack and had a fabulous dinner. Afterwards, we went to Krispy Kreme for dessert. I get out of the car, and see this old guy shuffling towards his car, holding a coffee cup and bag of donuts. The most brilliant and disarming golden toupee shines from atop his head, the bangs sweeping across his eyes. He lowers his head, but cuts his eyes up at me, glaring as I walk toward the entrance. He turns his head, following me, finally rotating his body to face me. I pull David closer. The man opens his mouth, and out comes the most gritty, raspy, and crackly molester voice, "You want some dill pickles with your donuts?" Mouth agape in complete shock, I forced my lips into an anxious smile, laughed nervously, and said,  "Uh...ha, uh, no thanks," and pulled David inside as fast as I could. I turned to him with a look on my face like, "Can you believe what he just said?" David asked, "What? What's the matter?" I said, "Did you hear what that old sick pervert just said to me?" David smiled, patted my shoulder and said, "Ruth, he noticed you were pregnant. You know how pregnant women have weird cravings. Like, pickles on donuts. He was just joking with you." I did that long I-finally-understand-the-joke "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh" and then I felt really bad because I could have been nicer to the guy who was obviously just being friendly (I think) to a young person. I wanted to go back out and say, "Oh, I get it! That's funny!" but he was already gone and also that would have been awkward. We told Zack and Malinda what happened and we tried to make simple statements into inappropriate comments with everything.

"You want some pickles with those donuts?"
"You want some ice with your water?"
"You want some napkins for those crumbs?"

It's amazing what comes out pervy if you say it in that tone. But, ya'll...that guy's toupee. I have never seen anything like it. It gleamed with the light of a thousand angels.

1 comment:

  1. I love your "spy on your neighbors" posts. Mostly because I'm so nosy. I'm the epitome of the neighbor that needs to mind her own business. And I still think the old guy was creepy. ;)


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