Papaw

Interwebs, I'd like to introduce you to my grandfather (on my mom's side). In case you don't speak redneck, I've included a transcript of the conversation below. It still won't make much sense, but there you have it.

?????

Papaw, wheoooah w-wh-uhm, where you were at this mornin'?

I had my phone cut off.

No no your house phone.

Ah I wuttin at home.

Oh uh uh where were you at.

I'd gone up town to get some medicine...get some bananas.

Me and Sara are gonna come over and watch the game, Papaw.

Okay.

I may come with him.

Thyrygo d'you take a bath?

Yeah, Noah didn't.

Shmell in that house...

Well, Noah didn't take a bath, so tell him.

Alright...alrighty....hooow...

Papaw, uh uh Papaw, have you ever heard the tale about the frog?

Yeah I heard it.

Okay, good.

Noizarnol...

Yes, sir.

If they gettin beat...I can't watch it.

You and me, Papaw.

Ha ha...heh, neffin lack one touchdown cause they get they hind two three, ah ah, i'm like Jack Weaver, now. Jack Weaver goes down in the woods...and he'll holler every once in awhile, "What's the scooore?" He won't come back forloneebarh.

Huh huh

Uuuh...what cat'd y'all carry weeyah?

We got Bob.

Oh bu-guh-uh is Buck around?

We couldn't fin ah he did he stopped followin us.

Ahh Buck ah tha ouff galavantin around goorf sniffin n snortin and all thas stuh and all that stuff (sniff)

Uh uh did mom tell you we skeered her?

Hm hm.

We scared her good.

We jumped out of the woods over here when we were on the trail and scared her mom started screamin.

Uhkay ha ha huh oh she don oh ha ha i hide down here awh tha wha.

And you and you fell asleep.

Ha oh I have one time yeah they fooled me uh y'all done see any deer?

Yeah we saw one just now.

We did just a while ago.

Did your daddy tell you when he walked yesterday saw three?

That's what he was sayin yeah.

I looked out there I'd forgotten about that trail I looked that window and I saw that man walkin had on a white tee had on a white sweatshirt I said what in the world then it oughtama hit me I said buhy that's David walkin.

Ah that's him yep mm good.

Alrighty I'm gonna go home get everything I got to get this uh uh uh stuff put up in the uhm.........and all the other stuff.........(who knows)

Uhm what time does the game start?

2:30

It starts at 2:30

2:30

Aight well it's really 30 minutes til 3 if you wan.

Same thing.

Noooo no nononononono

30 minutes to 3 is later 2:30 is urliyr if you don't believe it 2:30 and then you got 3 minus

Uh Papaw press that gas and go home.

OH!

Bye Papaw!

Ah ha see y'all!

See you later!

Aight!

Susannah

So, on our trip, my parents' room steward's name was Susannah...she was from Bulgaria...which is right near Transylvania........

My brother, Peter, is from Bulgaria, but I've never been scared of him. Susannah...I was a little scared of her...we all were. Have you ever had those moments in life where anything is possible? They don't happen very often, but when they do, all reason leaves you. I call those my Parallel Universe moments. I had a week-long Parallel Universe moment while we were on that ship...I believed that vampires actually existed. And I wasn't the only one. My parents and brothers believed it, too. Susannah was a vampire...at LEAST half a vampire. The first time I saw her, I was taken aback by her ghostly pale skin, blue black hair, piercing dark eyes and velvety smile...complete with elongated incisors. She had this sing-song voice that had a way of hypnotizing you and she also spoke in run-on sentences....almost like poems. She was sugary sweet and very amiable. She found out Peter was from Bulgaria, too, so she called only him by name. She just called me and Noah "children." She knew our names, I just think she didn't want to get too attached to us because she had determined our fates. 

She was always around. We couldn't ever walk down the hallway without running into her...it was like she never slept......she would always ask what we were doing, where we were going, what we ate for dinner that night, when we were taking naps, what our blood types were...it was like playing 20 questions. 

I happened to get a picture of her when she wasn't watching. 

She always knew where our parents were...at all times. We would be walking down the hall to their room to see if they wanted to get ice cream and out of a door that wasn't there seconds before, her widow-peaked noggin would pop, preceded by a silky smooth, "Helloooo, Peter...hellooooo, children...your mommy and daddy are in their room, yes......" 

Yeah, creepy. 

So, how did we determine she was a vampire...besides the fact that she wore a black, high-collared cape at all times...we had clues...We asked her if she ever went ashore during her days off and she said, "Eeeh, I don't like the sun." (clue #1)  She asked one day where we were going for a snack and we said, "We're going to the pizza bar." To which she replied, "Oh, I don't like pizza...too much garlic. (clue #2)  She asked if we were getting lobster or steak for one of the formal nights and I said lobster. She said, "Ooooh...I love steak. I like steak rare...very very very rare and pink." (clue #3)  She asked if we had bought any jewelry while ashore...I said, "Yes, I actually found a silver chain for some charms my husband bought me." She replied, "Ew, I don't like silver." (clue #4)

There were some other aspects of our time with Susannah that led us to believe in her vampire-ness. These were actual conversations we had with Susannah during our stay onboard. 

"Helloooo, Peter...helloooooo, children..." 

"Hey, Susannah."

"How ahrre you today?"

"We're good. How are you?"

"Good, good...he he heeee...verrry good." (She rolled her "R's") 

"Hello, family...going to dinner, ahrre we?"

"Yes, heading there now."

"Vahnderrrful. You all look delici---ahem--beautiful tonight. Enjoy. Eat up. Eat up." 

"Hello mommy and daddy...and where ahrre the children today?" 

"I think they're in their room."

"Ahh...good...good...best for them to get their rest....yessss."

So. I'm not one to judge, but she was totally a great-great-grandchild of Dracula. It was a real Parallel Universe moment, except it was in THIS universe and it was pretty awesome. She ended up not drinking our blood or coming into our room at night to watch us sleep...although I still have that nightmare...or cursing us to forever walk the earth as the undead. She was a sweet gal who just so happened to have a blood-thirsty bat-man for an ancestor. I mean, who doesn't have one of those, right?

And who am I to talk...I'm part-bat myself. 

And I'm Back...from Outta Space...

So, I'm back. I actually got back on Saturday, but this is the first chance I've had to post anything. Not that I don't love you guys. I heart vacation. I really heart tropical vacations and my parents were kind enough to invite me to come along with them and my brothers. David, being an accountant, could not come because of this dumb thing called tax season...3 and a half months of unadulterated evil. Sister Sara couldn't come because of work, either. So, it was me, the 'rents, and the bros. And it was a blast! We cruise to the Bahamas, St. Thomas, St. John, St. Maarten, and St. Rufus. (I made that last one up.) 

I love love love to cruise. It's safe...you get to see more places...your mode of transportation is also your home...you can eat whatever, whenever you want, all the time...you don't have to lug suitcases around everywhere...and it generally ends up being a lot cheaper than if you had traveled to the same places the normal way. This was my 12th cruise...I never get tired of them. They only get better. You're treated like royalty...even when you're dressed in your too short shorts, spaghetti strap tank, trashy flip flops and sporting some greasy hair. It's marvelous. The food is always incredible...and in abundance. They never run out. 1/3 of a cruise ship is the galley...how insane is that. It also means there's a bunch of little piggies onboard, but it makes you feel better about yourself after sampling everything at the chocolate buffet...which I always do. Most cruise lines have a little something called chilled soups...usually some sort of fruit. OH. MY. GOODNESS. It's like heaven cried and fell into my bowl...sweetened with leprechaun laughs and baby glee. I think my family cruises just so we can get the chilled soups. 

Anyways. Here's some pictures from our adventure...

This was Geneve Bay...we went hiking one day in St. Maarten...only pebble beach on the island.

A shelter the surfers set up in the bay...you can hear the pebbles being rocked back and forth by the waves. A very beautiful sound.

Our boat in port

Hiking hiking...off to the right (out of picture) is St. Barts...named after Chris Columbus' brother....how sweet. If I discovered some islands, I'd name at least half of one after my brothers.

Noah being attacked by our towel animal...dinosaur...anteater...we don't know. 

The parents. Hey, Mom and Dad! 

Putting during our days at sea. It's windy up there.

Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas. If I had a boat, I'd park right by the yellow one.

St. John. This is the only place in the world that is black and white. And high contrast. Scientists can't explain the phenomenon. 

Since David couldn't come, I put him and me on the beach at Cinnamon Bay in St. John.

Leaving Nassau...Atlantis hotel in background. 

I adore lighthouses. I wish I lived in one. I wish I lived in that one. It makes me think of Pete's Dragon.

Me and the bros

Me and the bros normal

Me and the bros on ship row

Arrrgh! I love pirates! I love them so much. I would love to be a pirate...that would be my dream job. Except without the pillaging and burning and killing. Just to sail the open seas...but maybe with my cell phone and some other technology....and a feather comforter...and cute clothes....

And that's our trip! 

I also wanted to share with you some of my favorite moments from our vacation. I tend to take pictures of people...not normal pictures...kind of stalker pictures. But, I promise I'm not a stalker or perv! But, hey, if you gonna look a-fool out it public, I WILL take your picture and post it! You walk around in a Speedo...I am going to make fun of you. As seen here...

Speedo man #2 DOES have on a suit...just to clarify. 

Some people slept most of the cruise...

Some people made out...for half an hour...

Some people did yoga...hello France...

Some people walked around naked...

In their defense...most of the Caribbean islands are European-owned...and most of them have nudie beaches. We just didn't realize this one was. We were walking on the beach and Noah says, "Those gals have on skimpy bathing suits." And I said, "If by 'skimpy' you mean 'nada' then yes, those are skimpy." So, I quickly covered his and Peter's eyes and...took a picture. 

I can hear the ocean in this conch...conk...consh...conch shell

Well, kids...I'm leaving early in the morning to head off to the Southern Caribbean. I'll be back on the 26th, so I'll chitty chat then. Pray that we don't get hijacked...my Mom is most certain that's likely to happen. Pray that I don't eat so much that they actually use me as a life raft during the hijacking. Pray I find a good deal on some kind of weapon for sweet David's souvenir. And pray that they let me drive the ship this time...cuz I'm pretty awesome. Y'all behave and I've got people keeping an eye on you, so I only want a good report when I get back. 

I'd like to leave you with a little poem I just wrote...just now. 

It's 9:04 pm on a Thursday night

I'm sitting cross-legged even though I'm trying to stop because it's bad for your circulation

The cat is mean and she likes to bite

Bloo de do blah blugh de blagh de doo hurculation 

I'm about to go take a shower

I'm all packed up and I'm rett to go

I gotta get up early so I'll probably be sleepy when I drive

I'm gonna stop by Starbucks on the way to get a hot chocolate with salt and caramo

Malinda says it's 7 Weight Watcher points for a venti but it makes me feel so alive

So I'm gonna get it anyways

Get it anyways

Get it anyways

Anyways

You're So Cheap

Yes, it's true...I'm a pretty cheap person. But not when it comes to family or friends....nope...I only buy my relatives and friends at name brand stores. I am cheap when it comes to the rest of life. We eat out maybe once a month. MAYBE. Hugs is an amazing cook and he can make the most incredible dishes for two for less than $6. When I was working in an office, I took my lunch to work every day. Hugsy does the same thing. If there's a movie we kinda want to see, but aren't like, "we HAVE to see this toDAY!!"...then we'll wait until it comes to the $1 theater or we'll wait and Netflix it. I rarely, if ever, buy clothes or shoes at full price. Yes, Mother, I know if I buy a lot of clothes on sale it eventually adds up to the full price, but still..and, can you really talk? That's what I thought...Great Wall of China Shoeboxes in your closet...uh huh. Anyways. I cut mine and David's hair because I can't fathom spending $40 on a haircut. Gracious alive. I buy my make-up from eyeslipsface.com (girls, check them out, you'll love them!). I get the majority of our hygienic, kitchen and laundry products from the Dollar General.

Why am I so cheap, you ask? Well, fancy clothes don't matter to us...eating out doesn't matter to us...what matters to us is vacation. Yes...we save here and there all the time mainly for vacation. (And retirement, but we won't see that for awhile.) We loooooooooooove to travel. It's when we travel that we really eat out, so it's worth it to me to skip the $15/person dinner here in town and put that money towards eating at The Tower Restaurant in Edinburgh, Scotland. We'll also save up to get something nice for the house, like something grilling-related for David or something Apple/designer-y for me...but mainly it's for travel.

My Mom has been a big influence on me when it comes to saving and recycling old things to use somewhere else in the house, etc. She's taught me a lot. Thanks, Mom! She's a great bargain shopper. 

  

Here are a few ways we've saved around the house...

This is an old door I found at an antique store for $40. It used to be our headboard until we got our bedroom suite. I thought it was cute and hung it on the wall in the bedroom. My plan is to fill in the rectangular spaces with tiles I found at Lowe's for 10¢ apiece and paint them different colors. 

I did the painting above the bed on a canvas I got at Michael's for $15. I found a 50% off printable coupon online. The little calla lilies were from a wholesale store in my hometown for about 50¢ apiece and the vases were from the Dollar Store. We used calla lilies for our wedding and all of our flowers were fake...they look real because they're floppy...and they now decorate my house. Matching bedding is so pretty to me, but it's so expensive, so I buy mismatched stuff. The white comforter and blue spread are from Wal-Mart, the shams were $5 apiece from World Market and the pillows were $7 and $3 at World Market. The "plants" in front of the windows and vases were from Wal-Mart. 

My Mom's best friend gave me this ladder for my wedding. She'd had it for a long time and was cleaning out her garage. I painted it with crackle glue and then the white and used it for decoration at the wedding and now in my house. The mirror was from an antique store I found for $15. 

Here are some of the calla lilies we used at the wedding that are now spread out in the house. My mom found the buckets at TJ Maxx/Homegoods, I think.  

I found these towel/robe hangers at World Market for $1.50 apiece. 

This was an arrangement my grandmother helped me make for the wedding. She is an incredible artist and can pretty much do anything art-related. We got the flowers and vase from Pier 1. The old window was found by my sister at an antique store. The sconces were from Kirkland's for $12.50 for both. The paper lanterns were $10 from Kirkland's. 

This was my bouquet for the wedding. Not the greenery, just the lilies. I found the vase at Rooms To Go for $8. 

We have a small breakfast nook and I found this cutie patootie table at an antique mall for $150 for the table and chairs. The arrangement in the middle is a one of the decorations from the wedding. My grandmother and I made all of the arrangements with the fake lilies, river rocks and acrylic for the "water" and gave away these arrangements for the bridesmaids' gifts. 

My grandmother gave me this old ironing board. She worked an entire summer picking cotton to pay for it when she was a teenager. I've got my summer dishes on it. The majesty palm in the background is named Ann Claire. 

My Mom bought my sister and I old chicken coops she got at an antique store when we graduated from college. I was like...what to do with this...what to do...other than keep kids in it, I couldn't think of anything, but I loved it so much. So, I ended up staining it, putting river rocks in the bottom, having glass cut for the top and turned it into a coffee table. Saved me about $300. I saw this table runner at a Christmas show one time made of these beautiful leaves. It was $150. I was like, whatever. So, I decided to make my own. Got some cheap felt material from Wal-Mart and got some leaves from Hobby Lobby for like $3o and hot glued that sucker to death. I eventually understood why they were charging $150 for it. It took awhile. The green and white rug is from World Market...originally $100, marked down to $25. 

I wanted a wreath for the front door, but couldn't find any I liked, so I made this one out of supplies from Wal-Mart. Yes, the orchids should be white. That thing's been out there for almost 4 years. 

We really needed a computer desk for the both of us but #1. didn't want to spend the money on two desks and #2. didn't have the room. So, we came up with the idea of getting two boards and hinging them together and placing them on top of wire shelving. Chairs from Wal-Mart, painted green, of course. Voila! Desk for two...for under $70. 

When I married David, I didn't realize he came with so many books...so he needed some shelving. But once again, no room and once again, I'm cheap. So, we got some more wood from Lowe's, painted it, and built him some shelves. This is probably only about 6% of the books he has...it's insane. But, he's a smart one, so I attribute that to his reading. 

We're in the process of screening in our back patio...I wanted tile, but it was unfortunately dumb ole concrete, so we just painted it like tile. I'm adding some more palms and ferns to make it less barren, but I thought it turned out okay.