You Should Never...

You should never watching military homecoming videos. Tasmanian devils cry watching those things. (Erin...I'm a weeping mess beside you.)

You should never look at houses online "just for fun" because you will find one in your price range and it will have everything you're looking for and 6 acres of land and a pool and a chocolate tree and that's all you'll be able to think about...and the fact that you don't even have your own house on the market. Stupid real estate website.

You should never know the exact date you're starting boot camp because you'll spend the week before stuffing your face, thinking, "I can eat this. I'm about to start boot camp." Now instead of muscle toning as my goal, I first have to shed the 283 pounds of Klondike Bars.

You should never go to the Tom's website, because you will buy everything.

You should never look at food blogs early in the morning, because that's all you'll think about the rest of the day.

You should never think about the beach, because that's all you'll think about...for forever.

You should never say "ATM Machine," because that's redundant.

You should never say "PIN Number," because that is also redundant.

You should never pluck your eyebrows without your contacts in.

You should never do anything without your contacts in.

You should never say, "Thank goodness Rocky (the neighbors' bat ugly shitzu) is dead. That dog pooped in our yard for six years," because Rocky will hear you, and in fact NOT be dead, and will continue to poop in your yard...somehow managing to permeate the fence's perimeter.

You should never let your husband tell you he felt bad about killing the momma spider by the front door, the momma spider carrying a bazillion babies on her back, and then ask, "Did you get all the babies?" and have him respond, "I got some of them," because then you'll be thinking about those babies wriggling under the front door, coming for you to exact revenge upon you for their mother's death. Blegh.

You should never try to cute-ify a baby spider by picturing Charlotte's babies in Charlotte's Web with their little fluttery parachutes because then you'll think, "Holy crap, spiders have parachutes!"