Questions from a Child

My mom's best friend and my other mom, "Miz Di", sent me this email and I just thought it was so stinking cute. Apparently some kids were told to ask God questions or write down a prayer and this is what they came up with. 

What Not to Watch and New BFFs

Yesterday afternoon, I slept pretty much the whole time. Brother Noah came to visit over the weekend as well as our good friend Joseph and while the boys hung out, I just slept. And it was wonderful. I had had a pretty rough weekend...well, week...these kiddos are killing me. When they get here, I'm expecting foot and back rubs all day long. Don't worry, I'll give them a few years to develop their motor skills. Joseph headed home and Noah headed on back up to school and poor little David was stuck with Mrs. Boring. So, I sent him off to see a movie with Zack and Malinda. While he was away, I migrated to the couch and laid down there. I flipped on el TV and found the MTV show "16 and Pregnant." Wow. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you to show it to every teenager you know, but don't watch it yourself. Tell you what, don't watch any pregnancy-related show if you're babied...don't even watch the Animal Planet baby shows. I, unfortunately, did watch the whole episode. I have officially decided that the stork is bringing my kids right to the front door and I get to skip the whole pushing nonsense. That's just plain silly. (Blast you, Eve.) Also, the girl wanted her ENTIRE family in the delivery room with her. I'm talking dad, mom, brother, boyfriend, Uncle Gary and Great Aunt Sue. And they were all WATCHING watching. No way...absolutely no way. That's messed up. Of course my husband and maybe my mom, but that's it. But it doesn't matter anyway, because the stork is bringing them. But, alas, the young couple had a healthy baby girl and they named her Leah Leean. Yep. After that I switched between Bridezillas and Amazing Wedding Cakes. 

Aside from my living, breathing human friends...I have a few new best friends. 

Otter Pops - mmmmm, so cool and refreshing...and so many fun flavors.

Cool Ranch Doritos - they've kind of always been one of my best buds, but even more so now. 

Cocoa Puffs - who doesn't love them.

Crystal Light water flavorers - I have to stay "hydrated" because of the whole baby and general living thing and, although I have no problem with water, apparently the childrens do and the thought of water makes me gag, so sweet David got me some Crystal Light and it has been a life saver. 

Turkey sausage cream cheese breakfast pastries - We got the recipe from Billy and Beth and oh my gosh...so stinking delicious. I don't have a picture of them because I eat them too fast to get one, so I just put a smiley face because that's how eating those makes me feel. 

Also, last week was not the week to be a celebrity...first Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson, and now Billy Mays?? What the mess?!

MJ

Well, as I'm sure you've all heard, Michael Jackson died yesterday afternoon. I didn't cry or anything, but I did kind of think to myself..."aw, that's too bad," because I remember how awesome he used to be (until he became white and his nose fell in on top of itself.) There definitely hasn't been another performer that has had quite the impact on the world as America's own creepy Peter Pan. I took a quick trip down Memory Lane as I pondered the King of Pop's life...

Do you remember the Captain Eo attraction at Epcot in Disney World? I. LOVED. IT. We would go to it every time we visited DW. It was before MJ's face completely melted off. I don't know if my parents loved it, but they'd always take us. It was a 20 minute video about this rag-tag band flying through the galaxy, evading bad guy spaceships, trying to deliver a map to the Supreme Leader-the map ended up being eaten by an elephant creature called Hooter, and finally landing on this Borg-type planet. The Supreme Leader was this super scary spider Borg queen-type of person who was just rude and kept wanting a "gift", but instead, Captain Eo and his band sang her and her minions into awesome 80's costumes and dance moves and they all became a big, happy dancing family and the Supreme Leader turned into none other than Angelica Houston. It was so great. I always wanted Captain Eo's white, flashy light jacket and sweet boots. If you haven't seen it, please go watch it. It's a two-parter. It will change your life. And possibly give you nightmares.

I've tried for 26 years and I still can't do the moon walk. Nobody can dance like MJ...not even me. And y'all know how incredible I am. 

Our babysitter growing up, Melanie, was obsessed with Michael...almost as much as she was obsessed with Tom Cruise, who she actually met a few times and got his autograph. But then again, he was pretty foxy in his Top Gun days. Anyways. Melanie would let us wear her marching band gloves and jacket and play some MJ for us and we'd have contests to see who could lip sync the best. Sara always won, cuz she's a freak. 

Sometimes, when Seumas or Blue jump up in my lap when I'm working, I'll push them down and say "Beat it." And then I'll have that song stuck in my head all day. 

I used to have the entire Thriller dance memorized. I don't think I can do it anymore. That was a great video. One year for Halloween, at my second job, our department did a Zombie Prom theme and we played Thriller all. day. long. Nobody cared, cuz it was awesome. Here's the poster I did inviting people to come to our brain-eating partay. I'm in the top left corner...yep.

The world will definitely miss him. A B C, it's easy as 1 2 3...or simple as do re mi, A B C, 1 2 3, Baby, you and me, girl...

Belly

Well, Jamee wanted to see some belly pictures, so I thought I'd oblige. I've been taking them since week 4, but weeks 4, 5 and 6 look exactly the same, so I thought I'd start with week 6. 

6 weeks

7 weeks
Just kidding.

8 weeks
Don't be jealous of my awesome pants. Sistah made them for me for my high school graduation.

9 weeks (today)

Yes, I realize my tattoos will undergo some major transformations, but that's okay. 

Thoughts for Today

We had a softball game last night. We did not win. :( But, that's okay, because we played hard. They just played harder...and hit two over-the-fence homeruns. The team we played was a dry wall company. They didn't smile once. We usually play churches and they always smile, but not these folks. It's their goal in life never to smile. 

I learned a lot last night...

- The more Cool Ranch Doritos I eat, the more awesome I feel. 

- It's really hot outside. 

- The short, heavy guy can REALLY hit the ball...so back up. 

- The tubbier/older the umpire, the more of a jerk he is. And the more I want to punch him.

- We have the best fans cheering for us. We really do. We appreciate you guys...and we appreciate Ben and Zack's nonsensical phrases because they confuse the other team...and probably makes them feel a little sorry for you guys. But hey, it works. 

- Sweating profusely and wiping my Dorito-encrusted hands over my face is not helping my pracne (pregnancy acne) situation. 

- It's really hot outside. 

So, all this Jon and Kate nonsense. What is up with that? On one hand, you have a husband who is treated like a kid and yelled at like he's 5. On the other hand, you have a wife whose husband is lazy and doesn't listen to anything and must be treated like one of the kids. Yeah, sure, she's bossy and controlling, but gosh, she has EIGHT KIDS. I'm bossy and I have a cat and dog and they don't even talk back. Did he cheat on her, did he not? Who knows? Did she cheat on him, did she not? What is up with her hair? Why did he get earrings (because they are REALLY not helping his image.) Did fame and fortune go to their heads? Probably. How long will it take before they become "those people we used to talk about a lot and used to have some reality show" and we can't even remember their names? The whole thing is just sad to me. I think it was a situation they both could have worked harder on. But what do I know. Dr. Ruth, signing out. (Note to self: If a TV network asks to film my life 24/7 and promises to make me super rich, give them cookies and send them on their way.)  I plan on becoming super rich on my own...by completing my research and development on this new micro-processor that Cyberdyne commissioned me to create. We'll see how that goes. Anyways. 

The most refreshing drink of the summer is a bottled Sprite. Glass bottled drinks in general taste sooo much better, but a Sprite...it takes the prize. Try one today...available at your local grocer. Or any store that sells them. 

So Stinking Hot

Summer is usually my favorite time of year...well, Summer and Spring. This year's a little different for me. I still love them both, but now, I feel like both seasons are demanding a little too much from me and I'm getting irritable about it. I hate the cold. Well, a month and a half ago I did. I am actually looking forward to Fall...OH UNKNOWN UNIVERSE! Yeah, it's pretty amazing that I would ever say that, but ever since these two squatters moved in, the heat has been left on 24/7 and they're gonna pay for the electricity bill, mind you, but it's just so darn hot. I don't even think we had a Spring...it went straight from Fake Winter to Summer at the Gates of Hades. 

But with the heat comes some great news...THE POOL IS OPEN! woot woot! Even though it's been swim-worthy weather since March, they won't open the pool until around Memorial Day, which is ridiculous. And which is also why I wrote the neighborhood association a letter about it. I'm PRETTY sure they hate me. That's okay...I don't like them either. (When we get our anonymous survey about the association each year, I make sure I put my name on it so they KNOW who is talking to them...let's see if I get a note in my mailbox about having a yellow water hose THIS years...ha). So anyways...the pool. 

It's a fairly big pool...which is nice...and if you go after 6:30, most of the kids are gone and all you're left with is creepy guy hanging out at the pool by himself, makey outey teenagers in the corner, and the pool closer person (who, if you smile at her and ask politely, will let you stay past closing time). I love to swim. Swimming's my favorite. It's the best form of exercise and it's just plain fun. So, last night, Zack and Malinda came over and swam with us. We played Categories, Marco Polo, Who Can Launch Who the Farthest, and some other stuff we made up. Yes, we are all 10 years old and we had a blast. We stayed until our fingers got pruney. And it sure beat just sitting and stewing in your own sweat. It was a good day. 

No pool tonight. Your Mom's Team dominates the fields at 7:30!

Daddio

So, yesterday was Father's Day. I'm sure you guys knew that, but some people don't have calendars, so...just trying to help.

My dad is the best. We had him ordered internationally and paid a pretty price for him, so we knew he'd be of the highest quality and he is. I've learned a lot from Dad over the past 26 years. Here's just a few things...

• When Dad's ears turn red...RUN! It doesn't matter where, just run. OR, pray for the earth to swallow you whole because you don't want to face his wrath. (Actually, Dad never really gets angry...he's always been super patient, which is amazing because he had us for a family. But seriously, watch for the ears.)

• Don't call him "Doo Doo Head" when you're 3 and your hair is long and he's brushing it like Mom asked and the tangles are just too much and you blurt it out. Because what's coming next is worse than the tangles...so, just take the tangles. 

• It's scientifically possible to laugh without making a sound. 

• Don't BEEEEEGGGGG to hold the gallon of milk at the grocery store when you're 4 and then complain later because it's "too heeeaaavvvyyy" and then drop it on the floor and watch it splatter everywhere. Because, that will get you a spanking. 

• Asking Dad "one more time" to open "one present on Christmas Eve...JUST ONE, DAD!" just might be the end of your life, so weigh your decision carefully. 

• When Dad has been on a plane for 8 hours, stuck with four kids and a wife who hates flying and has to take an Ambien and is completely out of it, and is hungry and tired and has already had to retrieve one of the kids because they left their room on the cruise ship and got lost twice, he doesn't make much sense. For example, we arrive in Vancouver and boarded the boat headed for Alaska. Me, Sara, Noah and Peter are all in a room...Mom and Dad have a room. We all decided to take a nap before supper. I was drunk because, when we walked into the room, I saw two beautiful glasses of orange juice and I was PARCHED. Sara took a sip and didn't like it...saying it tasted bitter and "weird." So, I swigged both of the glasses completely. Yeah, they did taste weird. Two seconds later, Mom comes running into the room..."Don't drink the orange juice! It's got vodka in it." Well, too late. Your 15 year old is wasted. But, nothing a nap couldn't cure. Well, Peter decides no nap for him. So, he sneaks out twice and twice, gets lost on the boat and gets crew members to make an announcement to come and get him. So, so much for the nap. Of course, kids being kids, right before supper, we all start bickering. Mom and Dad aren't happy about that. Dad comes in to put a stop to it. "All of you, sit down! I don't want to hear another word before supper. Now, get dressed! And go wash your hands, wash your face, and wash your feet!" Sara and I, the older two, gently touch Noah and Peter's arms to stifle any giggling. But, then we couldn't stop ourselves and then Dad started laughing, and it was very much a movie moment and we all had a big, cheesy laugh. So, now, we always make sure to remind Dad to wash his feet before supper. We asked him once why he said that, and he said that he wanted to add ONE more thing in there to make his point and feet is what came out. Silly Daddy. 

• Dad makes the best cinnamon rolls and steaks. Separately, of course. 

• If Mom thinks it's cute, Dad will buy it for her. Even if it's...weird. Like the haint tree in the front yard. 

• If you want to see something really really funny (albeit, a little life-threatening), let Dad get stung by a bee. He's really allergic, but turns into the Nutty Professor and man, it's funny. But then, when the fun is over, take him to the hospital or get him his epi pen. 

• If you want to see a PG-13 movie when you're 11, don't ask Mom, cuz that ain't gonna happen. Dad will take you to see it. Because he wanted to see Jurassic Park just as much as I did. 

Dad, you really are the best and I am so so so thankful I got to be in your family. Thanks for everything you've taught us and thanks for loving us in spite of the fact that we smeared our poopy diaper all over your antique desk and then sat in it (Sara), ate fireflies and then spat them out to hand to you (Noah), "borrowed" your chainsaw to go do who knows what behind the barn (Peter), and didn't do anything wrong because, well, I'm perfect (me). Thanks for our love of Star Trek and all things Sci-Fi. Thanks for letting us get away with a LOT. I love you, Daddy! 

Look at him. Isn't he precious?!