Daddio

So, yesterday was Father's Day. I'm sure you guys knew that, but some people don't have calendars, so...just trying to help.

My dad is the best. We had him ordered internationally and paid a pretty price for him, so we knew he'd be of the highest quality and he is. I've learned a lot from Dad over the past 26 years. Here's just a few things...

• When Dad's ears turn red...RUN! It doesn't matter where, just run. OR, pray for the earth to swallow you whole because you don't want to face his wrath. (Actually, Dad never really gets angry...he's always been super patient, which is amazing because he had us for a family. But seriously, watch for the ears.)

• Don't call him "Doo Doo Head" when you're 3 and your hair is long and he's brushing it like Mom asked and the tangles are just too much and you blurt it out. Because what's coming next is worse than the tangles...so, just take the tangles. 

• It's scientifically possible to laugh without making a sound. 

• Don't BEEEEEGGGGG to hold the gallon of milk at the grocery store when you're 4 and then complain later because it's "too heeeaaavvvyyy" and then drop it on the floor and watch it splatter everywhere. Because, that will get you a spanking. 

• Asking Dad "one more time" to open "one present on Christmas Eve...JUST ONE, DAD!" just might be the end of your life, so weigh your decision carefully. 

• When Dad has been on a plane for 8 hours, stuck with four kids and a wife who hates flying and has to take an Ambien and is completely out of it, and is hungry and tired and has already had to retrieve one of the kids because they left their room on the cruise ship and got lost twice, he doesn't make much sense. For example, we arrive in Vancouver and boarded the boat headed for Alaska. Me, Sara, Noah and Peter are all in a room...Mom and Dad have a room. We all decided to take a nap before supper. I was drunk because, when we walked into the room, I saw two beautiful glasses of orange juice and I was PARCHED. Sara took a sip and didn't like it...saying it tasted bitter and "weird." So, I swigged both of the glasses completely. Yeah, they did taste weird. Two seconds later, Mom comes running into the room..."Don't drink the orange juice! It's got vodka in it." Well, too late. Your 15 year old is wasted. But, nothing a nap couldn't cure. Well, Peter decides no nap for him. So, he sneaks out twice and twice, gets lost on the boat and gets crew members to make an announcement to come and get him. So, so much for the nap. Of course, kids being kids, right before supper, we all start bickering. Mom and Dad aren't happy about that. Dad comes in to put a stop to it. "All of you, sit down! I don't want to hear another word before supper. Now, get dressed! And go wash your hands, wash your face, and wash your feet!" Sara and I, the older two, gently touch Noah and Peter's arms to stifle any giggling. But, then we couldn't stop ourselves and then Dad started laughing, and it was very much a movie moment and we all had a big, cheesy laugh. So, now, we always make sure to remind Dad to wash his feet before supper. We asked him once why he said that, and he said that he wanted to add ONE more thing in there to make his point and feet is what came out. Silly Daddy. 

• Dad makes the best cinnamon rolls and steaks. Separately, of course. 

• If Mom thinks it's cute, Dad will buy it for her. Even if it's...weird. Like the haint tree in the front yard. 

• If you want to see something really really funny (albeit, a little life-threatening), let Dad get stung by a bee. He's really allergic, but turns into the Nutty Professor and man, it's funny. But then, when the fun is over, take him to the hospital or get him his epi pen. 

• If you want to see a PG-13 movie when you're 11, don't ask Mom, cuz that ain't gonna happen. Dad will take you to see it. Because he wanted to see Jurassic Park just as much as I did. 

Dad, you really are the best and I am so so so thankful I got to be in your family. Thanks for everything you've taught us and thanks for loving us in spite of the fact that we smeared our poopy diaper all over your antique desk and then sat in it (Sara), ate fireflies and then spat them out to hand to you (Noah), "borrowed" your chainsaw to go do who knows what behind the barn (Peter), and didn't do anything wrong because, well, I'm perfect (me). Thanks for our love of Star Trek and all things Sci-Fi. Thanks for letting us get away with a LOT. I love you, Daddy! 

Look at him. Isn't he precious?!