Harsh for a Tuesday, but No Less True

Your kid is chubby because you bought him an electric scooter. 

No, riding an electric scooter down the street is not exercise, kid. 

I do not share chocolate. I'm sorry, I said that wrong, let me try again...I DO NOT SHARE CHOCOLATE. Call me greedy, call me selfish...I really do not care. It's mine. I'll share anything else with you, but ask me for my chocolate...you will rue the day. IF IF IF I share chocolate with you, it's because I love you enough to die for you. And sure, I may smile and say "Aw, I was just kidding in my blog when I said that. Here, have some," but just remember that I'm inwardly screaming NOOOOOOOOOO!! 

Wii Fit is awesome, mean, and Canadian. "Too busy to check in with me yesterday, eh, Ruthie?" "I'm so sorry, Balance Board. I was incredibly sick yesterday." "That's no excuse, Ruthie! You check in with me every day, eh?" "Yes, Balance Board." "Good. Now, I'll be under the maple tree when you're done with your workout, lardo." 

I hate, nay, I LOATHE the new Facebook. U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi, bring it back, back the old Facebook back, back. 

If you inSIST on projecting your voice miles away, chattering aimlessly on your fancy pants Bluetooth earpiece whilst in a crowded or quiet area, I WILL glare daggers at you and I will utter things about you under my breath, yet loud enough for you to hear. 

On a Wednesday night...these are my priorities...family, friends, Lost. If you call me during Lost, you move down in my priority list. Way down. 

If you are pregnant and I'm in proximity, I will more than likely touch your belly without asking...even if I don't know you. Cuz those things are CRAZY. I mean, it's so round and I gotta touch it. Sorry. You were warned. 

If you have a dog and it looks like a stuffed animal or barks ridiculously, I will make fun of it. Point, laugh, whisper, all of the above. So, stop walking it around and just keep it inside. 

If you must jog on the same route I speed walk on, go at another time or stay ahead of me because if I suddenly hear running footsteps behind me, I will spin around and karate chop you into unconsciousness. Don't run behind me. 

If you don't use your blinkers, I will assume you are an idiot. 

Shane...Eric, I think it might rain tomorrow on the fields. I would break it gently to Brooks. 

When I can count all of the vertebrae in your back even from looking at you 30 feet away,  I don't think, "Hmm...she looks like a model."  I think, "Someone give that girl a sandwich." Eat up, honey, cuz...gross.

I ordered my Vibram FiveFingers Sprint shoes today...you. are. so. jealous. I know you want some. 

It's the truth people, it all needed to be said.