Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Melvin: Part 2

So, remember how I told you Melvin, although sweet, kind of was a stalker? Well, not a stalker...more like someone who wouldn't stop calling and wouldn't leave you alone and wouldn't flipping sending the bill until he could come to your house to "check on things." He's not a creep-0, really. I know I'm making him sound like that. I really think he's bored and he loves to socialize, so he will do just that any chance he gets.

As he was leaving this past visit, I asked him to go ahead and send me the bill, to which he replied, "Noooooo, no no no no no no...I'm gonna come back and check over things." And then he was out the door. He called when he got home from his tractor convention and I stupidly answered. I got stuck talking to him for 27 minutes and 53 seconds (my phone said so.) This was the conversation...

Melvin: Ruuuuuuth! Hey, how are you?

Ruth: Good. I'm good. How are you?

Great! Wonderful! How are those babies?

They're good, thank you for asking.

Well, good. Well, listen. I was calling to check on you guys. How has the A/C been for you?

Great! It's been running great. I appreciate you coming out to fix it. Actually, could you go ahead and send us the bill and we'll get a check out to you asap.

Oh, gosh, no. I definitely want to come out there sometime this weekend and look over all of your lines. I'll get up in the attic and check over everything. When can I come by this weekend?

Oh, well, we're actually not going to be here this weekend. Can you just send us the bill--

Oh, okay. Well, I definitely want to come when your husband can be there. He really seems to take an interest in what I'm doing. I like for homeowners to know what I'm doing. People get big bills and think to themselves, "What he's doing out there? Smoking?"

Well, uh...yes, we ARE wondering that. That's why David's out there with you.
Ha ha...that's funny. If you'll just send us the bi--

Well, I'll call you when you guys get back and maybe I can come out the next weekend.


Did you know---hey, do you guys have allergies? I just got back from my tractor convention and there were so many people sneezing and wheezing, I tell you. I know it's because they don't change their air filters. Did you know that I've read--I've read that if you grew up around animals, you're less likely to be allergic. Do you guys have animals?


I don't know how much of that is true, but that's what I read. I grew up with a pig under one arm and a chicken under the other and I STILL have to give myself an allergy shot every other week, I tell ya. I'm just saying...y'all should think about maybe getting a cat...

Well, we actually--

Okay, I'm gonna let you go and you tell that husband of yours--I don't know if I've told you or not, but well, listen...what do you keep your air at?

Uhm, about 77 now.

Well, gosh. I thought you kept it at 76. Huh. My mind these days. I'm just getting more and more forgetful.

Well, some days it drops down to 76. It just depends.

Oh, okay. Well, listen. If you're gone for the weekend, crank that air up to 88. And when you come home, don't turn it down to 63 thinking it's going to cool the house quicker. That's just silly. Everybody does that thinking it cools the house quicker. It don't. Your unit can only go as fast as it can go. And don't leave your fans running. People think it circulates the air more, but it don't. The only use for a fan is to cool the skin a few extra degrees, so it's only good if you're standing under it. Don't even waste electricity on them if you ain't in the room. Okay. I'm gonna let you go...y'all consider getting a cat so those girls won't have allergies.

We will do that, Melvin. Thank you.

Okay. Bye, now.

Two weeks later...still no bill. Multiple phone calls. I don't have time to deal with him and I don't want to pay an additional $96 an hour for him looking over our lines and crawling in the attic. JUST SEND ME THE BILL! Whew, I'm grouchy today.

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