Can't. Move.

Yesterday was Boot Camp: Day 2. And now it's almost impossible to move. I, along with Tris, Brandi, and Erin, have decided to endure this rigorous exercise regiment in order to more solidify our positions as Queens of Tight Bods and Buns. Our first night was Monday. Not too bad. My arms were a little sore. But, last night...it was like for real boot camp. Our instructor, Rodney, was just warming us up Monday night, I guess. It was awesome, though. We did these things called Jack 'n Presses and it's where you take your dumbbells, hold them by your ears, do jumping jacks and press the dumbbells up. Almost. Died. I about couldn't drive back home and my legs are super wobbly today. I'm thinking I'll be walking like a robot tomorrow. But, it'll be worth it.....I hope.

I think I pulled some muscles in my fingers and eyelids, too, so instead of a post, here are some videos of the girls. They're pretty long, so if you're bored...

We got the girls some new puzzles. I know, I know...everybody thinks their kids are geniuses, but I'm just so proud of how quickly they figured out the idea of these puzzles. How do you explain to an 18-month old, "Match the fishes' bodies up by color"? I just put them on the floor and waited to see what they would do and they figured it out!

This is what happens when Daddy watches them.

The morning routine.

Secrets, Quirks, Secret Quirks

It took me forever to think of the word "quirks." I kept wanting to say "perks," but I knew that wasn't right. Anyways.

Everybody's got quirks. And secrets (the normal, every day ones...not the "I'm making a skin suit" secret). Everybody's got secret quirks. If you say the word "secret" enough, it starts sounding funny. Quirks make us unique...and weird. But unique nonetheless. We keep secrets to protect others, protect ourselves, or because we don't want to get into trouble with our parents, no matter our age.

I have one secret I've had for almost two years and I want to tell Mom, but I'm gonna give it another year or so. Only, like, four people know about it. Don't worry, Mom, it's cool. Everything's fine. But, it's one of those, "Crazy, right?!" things that I would normally tell Mom, but not in this case.

I have another secret that only David knows about and I really want to get it off my chest, but it's too soon. And nobody got sick, so I know I'm in the clear.

I spy on our neighbors through the windows...oh, wait, y'all already knew that.

This one is more of a quirk...Whenever I'm walking up to a store or building with tall glass windows or doors, I practice my model walk. Tyra would be proud.

Whenever I'm on iChat and Zack or Shane sends a chat, joking about t*rr*rists or b*mbs or something, I'll add a few sentences into the conversation, like, "Puppies are cute, huh," or "How about this weather we're having?" Because, honest to goodness, I'm pretty sure the See Eye Ay has both of them flagged. I love you guys, but I'm almost positive you're being monitored right now and, if it ever came to it, I don't know you and I've never seen you in my life. Oh, and looking forward to seeing y'all Saturday!

In college, I never carried a purse around, my backpack was heavy enough, and my little ID card holder didn't have enough room, so I carried spare change in my shoes when I didn't have pants with pockets. Like, just hanging out with my feet. I needed it for bottled water or a snack between classes. Seemed like a good enough place as any.

At the eye doctor, I have these visions of doing something crazy while the doc is right up in my face checking my eyes. Like, just going "RAWRRRGGH!!" or blowing a puff of air or making my eyes really wide and smiling a creepy smile...just to see what they'd do. It's so boring, so you gotta occupy yourself.

Okay, this is a HUGE secret...y'all can't tell anybody. Like, NOBODY. I was an RA in college my senior year and we weren't supposed to have pets of any kind in the dorms. I don't even think we were supposed to have live plants. Every month, we had to do room checks and two RAs would team up and go into each room and inspect everything. There were a lot of rules, the dorms were really nice, and I can understand the college wanting to keep it that way. You could only hang stuff on the supplied cork strips and boards. The room had to be somewhat clean and decent looking. They would show the dorms to prospective parents and students, so they wanted everything looking nice. Well...there was this one girl. She was really petite and soft-spoken. I think her name was Rebecca. She was a transfer student and was homesick. She got along with her roommate just fine, but her roommate was gone a lot. Rebecca had a Japanese fighting fish...a beta. It was sitting right on top of her desk. I turned to my fellow RA and said, "Room looks good to me." Y'all, we let her keep the fish and never reported it. Ahhhhhhh!! I abused my power and privilege as a dorm leader!! Please forgive me!! Actually, Rebecca and her roommate's room was pristine at the end of the school year. Unlike another room, two doors down from me, where the occupants tried to hide a MASSIVE hole in the wall with their chest of drawers. Yeah, I wrote that room up for some charges. Cha-ching!

One time, I found $.50 in the change dispenser of a Coke machine at Wal-Mart...and I took it.

One time, I found a $20 bill in front of an Old Navy...and I took it.

I have unreadable fingerprints. I've often wondered what I could get away with. Haaaaaa, I's just kidding.

Whew, Load. Off. I feel so much better confessing to you guys.

You Should Never...

You should never watching military homecoming videos. Tasmanian devils cry watching those things. (Erin...I'm a weeping mess beside you.)

You should never look at houses online "just for fun" because you will find one in your price range and it will have everything you're looking for and 6 acres of land and a pool and a chocolate tree and that's all you'll be able to think about...and the fact that you don't even have your own house on the market. Stupid real estate website.

You should never know the exact date you're starting boot camp because you'll spend the week before stuffing your face, thinking, "I can eat this. I'm about to start boot camp." Now instead of muscle toning as my goal, I first have to shed the 283 pounds of Klondike Bars.

You should never go to the Tom's website, because you will buy everything.

You should never look at food blogs early in the morning, because that's all you'll think about the rest of the day.

You should never think about the beach, because that's all you'll think about...for forever.

You should never say "ATM Machine," because that's redundant.

You should never say "PIN Number," because that is also redundant.

You should never pluck your eyebrows without your contacts in.

You should never do anything without your contacts in.

You should never say, "Thank goodness Rocky (the neighbors' bat ugly shitzu) is dead. That dog pooped in our yard for six years," because Rocky will hear you, and in fact NOT be dead, and will continue to poop in your yard...somehow managing to permeate the fence's perimeter.

You should never let your husband tell you he felt bad about killing the momma spider by the front door, the momma spider carrying a bazillion babies on her back, and then ask, "Did you get all the babies?" and have him respond, "I got some of them," because then you'll be thinking about those babies wriggling under the front door, coming for you to exact revenge upon you for their mother's death. Blegh.

You should never try to cute-ify a baby spider by picturing Charlotte's babies in Charlotte's Web with their little fluttery parachutes because then you'll think, "Holy crap, spiders have parachutes!"

Happy Birthday, America!

235 years old and you look ravishing! What night cream do you use? Well, I hope everyone had a fantastic Fourth and relaxing weekend. The girls have been a little under the weather (runny noses, croupy at night) this past week and I was worried about how they'd be this weekend. El doctor said they had some fluid in their ears and sore throats, but nothing that needed medicine, which was great.

We headed south to celebrate our nation's independence. We had a cookout Saturday night and got to spend time with family and friends and high-five America and congratulate David on passing the CPA. The girls swam in the pool every day and loved it. I mean, LOVED. IT. My dad took some awesome pictures and, of course, I left the card he loaded them on at the house. When we take them swimming, we usually just leave off the diaper and have their bathing suit on. Those Swimmies diapers give them the worst rash and I figure they're there just to catch the #2's and don't do much for the #1's anyway. It was usually late in the day when we went swimming, mostly overcast, so we ended up leaving their bathing suits off....a.k.a. skinny dipping. There's nothing quite as freeing as skinny dipping. Those European and Pacific nudie beaches know where it's at. (Remind me to tell you about the time we were in Bora Bora...yowza. [Let me clarify, David and I were appropriately attired...those surrounding us were not...attired.]) Anywho. So, the girls were swimming in the nude and jumping and splashing and running in the shallow end, just having the time of their lives. All of that activity gets things a-moving and both kiddos christened the newly remodeled swimming hole with adult-sized BMs. A little fishing around with the net, some extra chlorine and we were set to go.

It's amazing how brave an 18-month old can be. They would jump off the sides to us. Step off into the deep end, go under, and come up in our arms smiling. I definitely think they'll love to swim.

It was a great weekend. I was sad it ended. We got home and let the girls run around in the yard for awhile. We figured it was time for their first fireworks, so we got out some sparklers, which they admired...from a distance. They were enamored with them, but respected the pyrotechnics. Maybe next year. We'll stick with bubbles for now.

Okay, and whew! You guys made me feel better about the "Mowin' the Grass" post. I get a little (lot) paranoid sometimes (always). Jocelyn...ha haaaaaaaa...I did not EVEN think of that! Oh my gosh, you are so right. Gyah, that's hilarious. Hey, I'm fixin to order some stuff from you.

TMI

Sooooooooooooo, I realize yesterday's post was, well, #1. for girls only (I told you, guys!) and #2. probably TMI. On posts that I'm like, "Hmm..." about, I always get Mom to read and okay it. And I normally stick to a "When In Doubt, Don't" mindset, but Mom didn't check it until later in the day. I asked, "Do you think it was TMI?" She replied, "Weeeeeeeeeeeell.........well...." But, by then, it was late afternoon and most everyone had already read it.

And then I get paranoid thinking, "Oh no, I hope I didn't scare anybody off." David reads the blog at night and I asked his opinion and he liked it, but when I asked, "Was it too personal?" He responded with, "Well, I mean, that's up to you. I thought it was fine. What woman hasn't gone through that? It was about...you know...but if you're fine sharing that, then that's up to you."

Truth is, I've never been uncomfortable talking about certain things with other gals. Especially after being pregnant and having babies...I'll talk about anything. But, I realize not everybody is cool with that. So, I hope I didn't scare you guys off. A lot of folks who read the blog, I know them personally. Some of you, I feel like I know you, but we've never met. And then others, I just kind of know which area of the world you're from and I'm so glad you're reading! We watched this episode of House once where this girl who blogged had a heart condition and every single step of her hospital stay was documented on her blog. Her husband asked how she was so comfortable sharing all of that with people she'd never met. She said she felt a connection with them. As cheesy as that sounds, it's so true. It's oddly liberating to just type and tell you guys stuff. (And I mean, I share everything with David, so it's not like he didn't know I went to the doctor yesterday. And he trusts that I'm not going to tell you guys anything TOO personal...like, about him and the hyenas...oh, no...I've said too much.)

Anyways. I'll try to keep it to regular, every-day TMI stuff. Like, ear cheese. You know when you've worn a pair of studs in your ears too long, and you take them out...and yeah...ear cheese.

Mowin' the Grass: For Girls Only!

This is a girls only post and if you're a guy, I can't stop you from reading, but don't say I didn't warn you. If you're wanting to fill this time with something other than work, go watch this video.

So, girls only!

Yesterday, I went to the lady doctor. I haven't had a..."visitor"...in two months. I always think I'm pregnant. No, we are not trying...I just always think I'm pregnant. Since the day we were married, I've always thought that. In the past two months, I've taken a multitude of pregnancy tests...all negative. I KNEW I wasn't pregnant, but I kept thinking, "Yeah, I'm pregnant. But not really." I know, I'm crazy. The first missed month, no biggie. The second...I decided it was time to see what Dr. Mac had to say about that.

I drank a quart of water before I left because I figured they'd make me go in a cup. I get to the office and the nurse takes all my vitals, makes sure I'm alive. Then, she weighs me. It's completely unfair how they weigh you in a doctor's office. At home, I weigh stark naked. At the doctor's office, I have a full bladder, blue jeans, and heavy tennis shoes. They should subtract at LEAST four pounds for that, right? I step up on the scale, reluctantly...woman knocks the scale thingies ALLLLLL the way to the far right. Why don't you punch me in the stomach and give me a neck chop while you're at it there, Nurse Sensitivity. Well, joke's on her, because she had to lower them and lower them and lower them, me snickering to myself the whole time, and then she goes, "Gracious, girl." I smirked and thought, "Uh, huh...a little generous with the scales there, aren't we?" I was fairly happy with my weight. I weigh four pounds less at home, but whatever. But then, joke's on me, because apparently, I look like I weigh 425 pounds...why else would she go all the way to the end with those things? Whatever, anyway.

We go back to her office and I tell her what kind of lady issues I'm having. This is the same birth control I've been on for years, never had a problem. I told her I had never missed a day of taking it. I've never been on antibiotics while taking BC. She asked, skeptical, "Are you SURE you've never missed a day?" I reiterated, "You have no idea how OCD I am about taking the pill." Still skeptical, she asks if I took any pregnancy tests. "Yes," I told her, "about a million." She asks, "And they were all negative?" I confirmed. She says, "Well, I'm still going to do one, just because we have to be sure." FINALLY. I was about to wet my pants. If only she had waited to weigh me afterwards. Sigh. Of course, the test is negative. I told you so, nurse. You know what's funny, even though I knew it would be negative, I was kind of disappointed.

Being surprised with a baby right now wouldn't be bad news at all, just superbly unexpected. And God made women to want to have children. He commands us, "Be fruitful and multiply," and it's just in our nature to want that. Whether we carry them in our tummies or fly overseas to bring them home or travel a few doors down to the foster home to get our babies, God put that desire in us to be mothers. So, even though I knew the test would be negative and it was like, "Whew, okay," a small part of me was also like, "Aw, man."

Another nurse comes back and takes me to a room to wait for Dr. Mac. She asks what my lady issues were and asks, "You took some pregnancy tests?"

"Yes, I did. A lot."

"And they were negative?"

"Well, no, some were positive, but I didn't think anything of it. YES, they were negative."

If you're a guy and you're still reading, you must know that women have a very unique relationship with their lady doctors. It is the most vulnerable state of mind, but you feel like you trust them completely. Audry was the one who recommended Dr. Mac to me. And Liza as well as a few other friends go to him, too. I know they all agree...he is wonderful. But, still...nobody likes to go see their gyno. Actually, I didn't mind when I was pregnant. It was fun to do the ultrasounds and hear the heartbeats and see how they were growing. And to be honest, the experience of an exam was nothing for me. I couldn't care less what was going on. During labor and the hours before my c-section, I wanted to be naked. I couldn't get more naked. I wanted to take my skin off to be more naked. So, a regular exam was nothing.

But now, it's just a regular exam and it's weird and I hate it, but I know it's a necessity. The nurse (Ginger), the same one who was with us when we found out it was twins, told me he'd want to do an exam. Ugh, of course. So, I wrapped the stupidly thin sheet of paper around my waist and waited......and waited.....and waited..... I read and re-read all of the artwork and posters in the room. I listened to conversations in the hall. I heard Dr. Cutie Pie, one of the doctors on call for the practice after the girls were born. Audry can tell you he is a cutie pie. I heard Dr. Awesome Hair, the only woman doctor in the practice. She visited me in the hospital, too. Have you guys seen the new Pixar trailer for Brave? She's like the warrior girl, except with blonde hair. It's, well, awesome hair. I could hear Dr. North, the doctor who actually delivered the girls, whistling to the overhead music...quite badly, if I might add. I waited some more. I was tempted to take a nap. I wanted to get off the table and grab my phone to see what was happening in the world, but I knew the moment I got up, Dr. Mac and the nurse would walk in and there's Ruth and her fanny. So, I just waited.

Finally, they came in. Audry and Liza know about Dr. Mac's analogies/explanations for things. They're very informative and easy to understand, but you wonder to yourself, "What in the world...." For example, when I was pregnant, I asked why my stomach was getting numb near my belly button. He described the situation by asking me to picture a gnome that lived in my stomach, and he was looking up and saw all of the nerves and muscles stretching so much that he could see the light and that is why my stomach was numb. Because of the gnome.

He explained my current situation: "Well, Miss Ruth, this is going to be one of those instances that concerns you more than it concerns me. This isn't an issue that's going to affect anything in the future, it's just something that probably weirds you out because it's out of the norm. And we can fix that, although it's not something we necessarily have to fix. Birth control works on two levels...it contains two hormones. Imagine one hormone as the fertilizer for the grass, your uterus lining. The other hormone is the mower that cuts the grass. After pregnancies and in a lot of white females of your body type, it's not uncommon for the grass to not grow as much as it did before. You have a lower dose BC pill and it's not fertilizing the grass as much, so the grass doesn't think it needs to grow. So, the mower doesn't have a lot of grass to cut. It's like me sending out my son to mow a putting green. He can mow and mow all day long, but he's not going to cut much. Your grass is just thinner now, so it's not cutting as much grass, hence the lack of a period."

Yes. It took everything to keep from cracking up about my uterus being a field of grass. Good ole Dr. Mac. I just love him. It was just a matter of switching BC regiments and everything is fine.

I'll never think of that time of the month the same again. Mowin' the grass...

HE DID IT!

Short post...well, short for me...

Y'all, David passed the CPA exam!!!!!!! I got the scores online (he never knew you could check them online...I did, because I'm-a sneaky sneaky) early Wednesday morning. I only told a few people so David could tell everybody else. Our sweet friends got together Saturday afternoon at a park nearby and we surprised him with the news! You should have seen his face. We pulled up, the park was empty, except for some folks under a picnic pavilion. David says, "Oh, look, the swings are free, let's go there first. Hey...is that Zack? That IS Zack. Hey, that's Taylor...wait...WAIT." And then they held up letters that spelled, "YOU PASSED!" And he figured it out from there. Malinda made cookies and cream cupcakes, complete with toppers of David's face, "CPA" and "YOU A**!" If you don't know that story, read it here.

Thank you guys for praying for him as he took the exam. Over 5 years of preparing for, studying for...and it's OVAH! I know I've told y'all before, but I just have to brag on Hugs...I'm so proud of him. Most folks take the CPA right out of college...they spend their senior year preparing for it with courses...and then take a few months off out of college to study. And even then, it's SO difficult. I can't even imagine. But, David had been out of college for a year, working full-time, when he decided he wanted to get his CPA. He went back to school, got his masters in Accounting and had to take additional coursework to be eligible to sit for the exam...all while working full-time and during a full tax season. Then, he spent the next two and half years studying for and taking the four sections of the exam, through another tax season (he doesn't do taxes anymore) and the girls being born. You have to pass all four parts with a minimum score of 75. Once you pass the first section, you have 18 months to pass the other three or that first section expires and you have to start all over. RIDONK, right? The test isn't 100% objective. It's not "Here is the Question, which of these four answers is the correct answer?" All four answers are correct...you have to pick the best one. And there are simulations and scenarios they have to work through that somebody reads through. God bless the people that have to read through those. A lot of questions are trick questions, designed to weed people out. Again, I've never taken it...I'm just getting this info from David.

David failed three sections of the exam once and then passed those three sections. This auditing section was his last one and he had never taken it before. His first section was to expire on July 16th of this year. So, he HAD to pass it. And he did. I have never seen a man so happy. Whew, I totally almost spilled my whole mug of tea in my lap. Y'all should have seen that catch I just made. Anyways. So, he's very happy and we're both very relieved that he's done with it. Now he has to just jump through a few more hoops to get his license. He has to pass a take-home, 40 question ethics exam required by the state. David's pretty ethical, so I'm sure he'll do fine. Shoot, I'd cheat on that sucker left and right...I'M KIDDING. Can you cheat on a take-home exam? He has to fill out a mountain of paperwork and pay a fee, of course, and then the license is his.

I meant to tell you all of that yesterday, but Piper Lee was muy constipado and it was a crazy morning. But, now we're all back on the Poo Poo Train and feelin' fine. It's the cheese, I know it is. They eat cheese like an old Italian man. So, I've cut back on their cheese snacks and we're eating raisins now instead. Well, they're eating raisins...I don't eat raisins. They look like the bugs caught in a pool skimmer.

Okay, I've gotta go put on some normal clothes, because Sean from Northern Ireland is coming to pick up Winona (the motorcycle) to "clean the carbs" or something. I know how to drive one, but I can barely tell you where the muffler is. I know, I'm a poser.