Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Mowin' the Grass: For Girls Only!

This is a girls only post and if you're a guy, I can't stop you from reading, but don't say I didn't warn you. If you're wanting to fill this time with something other than work, go watch this video.

So, girls only!

Yesterday, I went to the lady doctor. I haven't had a..."visitor" two months. I always think I'm pregnant. No, we are not trying...I just always think I'm pregnant. Since the day we were married, I've always thought that. In the past two months, I've taken a multitude of pregnancy tests...all negative. I KNEW I wasn't pregnant, but I kept thinking, "Yeah, I'm pregnant. But not really." I know, I'm crazy. The first missed month, no biggie. The second...I decided it was time to see what Dr. Mac had to say about that.

I drank a quart of water before I left because I figured they'd make me go in a cup. I get to the office and the nurse takes all my vitals, makes sure I'm alive. Then, she weighs me. It's completely unfair how they weigh you in a doctor's office. At home, I weigh stark naked. At the doctor's office, I have a full bladder, blue jeans, and heavy tennis shoes. They should subtract at LEAST four pounds for that, right? I step up on the scale, reluctantly...woman knocks the scale thingies ALLLLLL the way to the far right. Why don't you punch me in the stomach and give me a neck chop while you're at it there, Nurse Sensitivity. Well, joke's on her, because she had to lower them and lower them and lower them, me snickering to myself the whole time, and then she goes, "Gracious, girl." I smirked and thought, "Uh, huh...a little generous with the scales there, aren't we?" I was fairly happy with my weight. I weigh four pounds less at home, but whatever. But then, joke's on me, because apparently, I look like I weigh 425 pounds...why else would she go all the way to the end with those things? Whatever, anyway.

We go back to her office and I tell her what kind of lady issues I'm having. This is the same birth control I've been on for years, never had a problem. I told her I had never missed a day of taking it. I've never been on antibiotics while taking BC. She asked, skeptical, "Are you SURE you've never missed a day?" I reiterated, "You have no idea how OCD I am about taking the pill." Still skeptical, she asks if I took any pregnancy tests. "Yes," I told her, "about a million." She asks, "And they were all negative?" I confirmed. She says, "Well, I'm still going to do one, just because we have to be sure." FINALLY. I was about to wet my pants. If only she had waited to weigh me afterwards. Sigh. Of course, the test is negative. I told you so, nurse. You know what's funny, even though I knew it would be negative, I was kind of disappointed.

Being surprised with a baby right now wouldn't be bad news at all, just superbly unexpected. And God made women to want to have children. He commands us, "Be fruitful and multiply," and it's just in our nature to want that. Whether we carry them in our tummies or fly overseas to bring them home or travel a few doors down to the foster home to get our babies, God put that desire in us to be mothers. So, even though I knew the test would be negative and it was like, "Whew, okay," a small part of me was also like, "Aw, man."

Another nurse comes back and takes me to a room to wait for Dr. Mac. She asks what my lady issues were and asks, "You took some pregnancy tests?"
"Yes, I did. A lot."
"And they were negative?"
"Well, no, some were positive, but I didn't think anything of it. YES, they were negative."

If you're a guy and you're still reading, you must know that women have a very unique relationship with their lady doctors. It is the most vulnerable state of mind, but you feel like you trust them completely. Audry was the one who recommended Dr. Mac to me. And Liza as well as a few other friends go to him, too. I know they all agree...he is wonderful. But, still...nobody likes to go see their gyno. Actually, I didn't mind when I was pregnant. It was fun to do the ultrasounds and hear the heartbeats and see how they were growing. And to be honest, the experience of an exam was nothing for me. I couldn't care less what was going on. During labor and the hours before my c-section, I wanted to be naked. I couldn't get more naked. I wanted to take my skin off to be more naked. So, a regular exam was nothing.

But now, it's just a regular exam and it's weird and I hate it, but I know it's a necessity. The nurse (Ginger), the same one who was with us when we found out it was twins, told me he'd want to do an exam. Ugh, of course. So, I wrapped the stupidly thin sheet of paper around my waist and waited......and waited.....and waited..... I read and re-read all of the artwork and posters in the room. I listened to conversations in the hall. I heard Dr. Cutie Pie, one of the doctors on call for the practice after the girls were born. Audry can tell you he is a cutie pie. I heard Dr. Awesome Hair, the only woman doctor in the practice. She visited me in the hospital, too. Have you guys seen the new Pixar trailer for Brave? She's like the warrior girl, except with blonde hair. It's, well, awesome hair. I could hear Dr. North, the doctor who actually delivered the girls, whistling to the overhead music...quite badly, if I might add. I waited some more. I was tempted to take a nap. I wanted to get off the table and grab my phone to see what was happening in the world, but I knew the moment I got up, Dr. Mac and the nurse would walk in and there's Ruth and her fanny. So, I just waited.

Finally, they came in. Audry and Liza know about Dr. Mac's analogies/explanations for things. They're very informative and easy to understand, but you wonder to yourself, "What in the world...." For example, when I was pregnant, I asked why my stomach was getting numb near my belly button. He described the situation by asking me to picture a gnome that lived in my stomach, and he was looking up and saw all of the nerves and muscles stretching so much that he could see the light and that is why my stomach was numb. Because of the gnome.

He explained my current situation: "Well, Miss Ruth, this is going to be one of those instances that concerns you more than it concerns me. This isn't an issue that's going to affect anything in the future, it's just something that probably weirds you out because it's out of the norm. And we can fix that, although it's not something we necessarily have to fix. Birth control works on two contains two hormones. Imagine one hormone as the fertilizer for the grass, your uterus lining. The other hormone is the mower that cuts the grass. After pregnancies and in a lot of white females of your body type, it's not uncommon for the grass to not grow as much as it did before. You have a lower dose BC pill and it's not fertilizing the grass as much, so the grass doesn't think it needs to grow. So, the mower doesn't have a lot of grass to cut. It's like me sending out my son to mow a putting green. He can mow and mow all day long, but he's not going to cut much. Your grass is just thinner now, so it's not cutting as much grass, hence the lack of a period."

Yes. It took everything to keep from cracking up about my uterus being a field of grass. Good ole Dr. Mac. I just love him. It was just a matter of switching BC regiments and everything is fine.

I'll never think of that time of the month the same again. Mowin' the grass...


  1. Okay, now I'm laughing. I also always think I'm pregnant, but it totally freaks me out seeing as how I'm not really supposed to get preggers. Anyway, I think I'm pregnant even when my visitor comes a knockin'. I have a fear of being one of those idiots on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant". Even though when I had Andrew I was the size of a house.

  2. Ha! I've been failing at reading b/c of life craziness, so saw your TMI debate first... Nah, you're not out of line at all. And it's really funny. And I don't even know you so no need to be overly diplomatic if I didn't think so. :)


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