Mom always tells me I'm a horrible opinion-giver. Not because my opinion is horrible, but because "I don't tell the truth." Not true. And this isn't one of those "one of us always tells the truth and one of us always lies" types of things. If what you're asking my opinion about requires a negative response, I'll find something positive to say. For instance...
"Ruth, do these jeans make me look fat?"
"No. I think your body's too bootylicious for those jeans."
Mom says I always say everything looks good or everybody's pretty or this is the best food I've ever eaten. So, she stopped asking my opinion about her clothes. S'cool. I think we hear negative stuff all the time, way too often, and everybody needs to hear something positive. And I'm telling the truth...it just may not concern what you were asking about. There are only a few things in life that warrant the absolute truth, most of which happened this weekend...and I'll give my opinion on those.
- Only about 2% of the world's population can pull off super skinny jeans. I'm sorry...it's just--well, it had to be said. Wait, I take it back. You can wear super skinny jeans if you're going to wear boots. Just, think about proportions. And then think about the fact that it looks like your pants are painted on.
- I'm all about keeping the mystery alive in your marriage. Light that spark. Fan that flame. That's great! But how's about the both of you not take your two-year old son into Victoria's Secret to let him help pick out Mommy's new "pajamas".
- If you and your wife are in your early 90's, standing in line at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and the cashier asks "How are you guys doing?", it's probably not the coolest to say "Well, I'm still hitting her every day." Yeah, domestic violence...not terribly funny. Come to think of it, statistically, your wife will live longer than you and she'll get all of your life insurance and head down to the river to play the slot machines. So, watch it, mister, because you might find yourself "tripping" down the stairs. Ahem. Also not a laughing matter...geriatrics.
- You make fun of the artist's "lack of singing abilities", especially compared to your "abilities", in the song playing over the store's speakers, but I would like to point out that she has an album...you don't. Just something to think about while you sample the lip gloss and then put it back in the bin. There might be a reason you haven't been "discovered" yet, Miss Classy.
- If you're going to go blonde, you gotta make sure it's a natural blonde. Save the platinum for rock stars. Same with tanning. A little color, a little glow...totally fine. But you look like a sweet potato.
- Be careful with the super trendy shoe boots. They're stylish and saucy. You gotta wear them with the right thing. They're going to confuse people and you might get lost in their complexity. Are they shoes? Are they boots? Are they sandals? WHO KNOWS! Maybe go with a less risky choice...like these. But don't spend that much money on shoes...that's ridiculous. Buy 5 pairs.
- I just can't understand why you haven't lost those extra 5 pounds. This is just a WILD guess...totally off the top of my head...but it MIGHT have something to do with the fact that your daily exercise consists of riding your golf cart up and down the jogging trail. Not the same thing as ACTUALLY JOGGING.
- Your kids are super sweet...looking. But in reality, because you pander to them and do whatever it takes to placate them and their fits, they're devious little monsters who will one day ground YOU and you'll actually go to your room and pout. Fix it now!
- Cell Phones: Not for an 8-Year Old.
- $400 Blackberries: Not for an 8-Year Old.
- Parents, don't let your 8-year olds walk around the mall by themselves with their buddies. There are creepy people out there and 8-year olds don't have a ton of common sense. And it seems you don't either.
- Giant Hoop Earrings: Not for Your Preschool Daughter.
- Are you 16 or 32? With your make-up and clothing choices, nobody really knows.
That, folks, is the truth.