TMI

Sooooooooooooo, I realize yesterday's post was, well, #1. for girls only (I told you, guys!) and #2. probably TMI. On posts that I'm like, "Hmm..." about, I always get Mom to read and okay it. And I normally stick to a "When In Doubt, Don't" mindset, but Mom didn't check it until later in the day. I asked, "Do you think it was TMI?" She replied, "Weeeeeeeeeeeell.........well...." But, by then, it was late afternoon and most everyone had already read it.

And then I get paranoid thinking, "Oh no, I hope I didn't scare anybody off." David reads the blog at night and I asked his opinion and he liked it, but when I asked, "Was it too personal?" He responded with, "Well, I mean, that's up to you. I thought it was fine. What woman hasn't gone through that? It was about...you know...but if you're fine sharing that, then that's up to you."

Truth is, I've never been uncomfortable talking about certain things with other gals. Especially after being pregnant and having babies...I'll talk about anything. But, I realize not everybody is cool with that. So, I hope I didn't scare you guys off. A lot of folks who read the blog, I know them personally. Some of you, I feel like I know you, but we've never met. And then others, I just kind of know which area of the world you're from and I'm so glad you're reading! We watched this episode of House once where this girl who blogged had a heart condition and every single step of her hospital stay was documented on her blog. Her husband asked how she was so comfortable sharing all of that with people she'd never met. She said she felt a connection with them. As cheesy as that sounds, it's so true. It's oddly liberating to just type and tell you guys stuff. (And I mean, I share everything with David, so it's not like he didn't know I went to the doctor yesterday. And he trusts that I'm not going to tell you guys anything TOO personal...like, about him and the hyenas...oh, no...I've said too much.)

Anyways. I'll try to keep it to regular, every-day TMI stuff. Like, ear cheese. You know when you've worn a pair of studs in your ears too long, and you take them out...and yeah...ear cheese.

Mowin' the Grass: For Girls Only!

This is a girls only post and if you're a guy, I can't stop you from reading, but don't say I didn't warn you. If you're wanting to fill this time with something other than work, go watch this video.

So, girls only!

Yesterday, I went to the lady doctor. I haven't had a..."visitor"...in two months. I always think I'm pregnant. No, we are not trying...I just always think I'm pregnant. Since the day we were married, I've always thought that. In the past two months, I've taken a multitude of pregnancy tests...all negative. I KNEW I wasn't pregnant, but I kept thinking, "Yeah, I'm pregnant. But not really." I know, I'm crazy. The first missed month, no biggie. The second...I decided it was time to see what Dr. Mac had to say about that.

I drank a quart of water before I left because I figured they'd make me go in a cup. I get to the office and the nurse takes all my vitals, makes sure I'm alive. Then, she weighs me. It's completely unfair how they weigh you in a doctor's office. At home, I weigh stark naked. At the doctor's office, I have a full bladder, blue jeans, and heavy tennis shoes. They should subtract at LEAST four pounds for that, right? I step up on the scale, reluctantly...woman knocks the scale thingies ALLLLLL the way to the far right. Why don't you punch me in the stomach and give me a neck chop while you're at it there, Nurse Sensitivity. Well, joke's on her, because she had to lower them and lower them and lower them, me snickering to myself the whole time, and then she goes, "Gracious, girl." I smirked and thought, "Uh, huh...a little generous with the scales there, aren't we?" I was fairly happy with my weight. I weigh four pounds less at home, but whatever. But then, joke's on me, because apparently, I look like I weigh 425 pounds...why else would she go all the way to the end with those things? Whatever, anyway.

We go back to her office and I tell her what kind of lady issues I'm having. This is the same birth control I've been on for years, never had a problem. I told her I had never missed a day of taking it. I've never been on antibiotics while taking BC. She asked, skeptical, "Are you SURE you've never missed a day?" I reiterated, "You have no idea how OCD I am about taking the pill." Still skeptical, she asks if I took any pregnancy tests. "Yes," I told her, "about a million." She asks, "And they were all negative?" I confirmed. She says, "Well, I'm still going to do one, just because we have to be sure." FINALLY. I was about to wet my pants. If only she had waited to weigh me afterwards. Sigh. Of course, the test is negative. I told you so, nurse. You know what's funny, even though I knew it would be negative, I was kind of disappointed.

Being surprised with a baby right now wouldn't be bad news at all, just superbly unexpected. And God made women to want to have children. He commands us, "Be fruitful and multiply," and it's just in our nature to want that. Whether we carry them in our tummies or fly overseas to bring them home or travel a few doors down to the foster home to get our babies, God put that desire in us to be mothers. So, even though I knew the test would be negative and it was like, "Whew, okay," a small part of me was also like, "Aw, man."

Another nurse comes back and takes me to a room to wait for Dr. Mac. She asks what my lady issues were and asks, "You took some pregnancy tests?"

"Yes, I did. A lot."

"And they were negative?"

"Well, no, some were positive, but I didn't think anything of it. YES, they were negative."

If you're a guy and you're still reading, you must know that women have a very unique relationship with their lady doctors. It is the most vulnerable state of mind, but you feel like you trust them completely. Audry was the one who recommended Dr. Mac to me. And Liza as well as a few other friends go to him, too. I know they all agree...he is wonderful. But, still...nobody likes to go see their gyno. Actually, I didn't mind when I was pregnant. It was fun to do the ultrasounds and hear the heartbeats and see how they were growing. And to be honest, the experience of an exam was nothing for me. I couldn't care less what was going on. During labor and the hours before my c-section, I wanted to be naked. I couldn't get more naked. I wanted to take my skin off to be more naked. So, a regular exam was nothing.

But now, it's just a regular exam and it's weird and I hate it, but I know it's a necessity. The nurse (Ginger), the same one who was with us when we found out it was twins, told me he'd want to do an exam. Ugh, of course. So, I wrapped the stupidly thin sheet of paper around my waist and waited......and waited.....and waited..... I read and re-read all of the artwork and posters in the room. I listened to conversations in the hall. I heard Dr. Cutie Pie, one of the doctors on call for the practice after the girls were born. Audry can tell you he is a cutie pie. I heard Dr. Awesome Hair, the only woman doctor in the practice. She visited me in the hospital, too. Have you guys seen the new Pixar trailer for Brave? She's like the warrior girl, except with blonde hair. It's, well, awesome hair. I could hear Dr. North, the doctor who actually delivered the girls, whistling to the overhead music...quite badly, if I might add. I waited some more. I was tempted to take a nap. I wanted to get off the table and grab my phone to see what was happening in the world, but I knew the moment I got up, Dr. Mac and the nurse would walk in and there's Ruth and her fanny. So, I just waited.

Finally, they came in. Audry and Liza know about Dr. Mac's analogies/explanations for things. They're very informative and easy to understand, but you wonder to yourself, "What in the world...." For example, when I was pregnant, I asked why my stomach was getting numb near my belly button. He described the situation by asking me to picture a gnome that lived in my stomach, and he was looking up and saw all of the nerves and muscles stretching so much that he could see the light and that is why my stomach was numb. Because of the gnome.

He explained my current situation: "Well, Miss Ruth, this is going to be one of those instances that concerns you more than it concerns me. This isn't an issue that's going to affect anything in the future, it's just something that probably weirds you out because it's out of the norm. And we can fix that, although it's not something we necessarily have to fix. Birth control works on two levels...it contains two hormones. Imagine one hormone as the fertilizer for the grass, your uterus lining. The other hormone is the mower that cuts the grass. After pregnancies and in a lot of white females of your body type, it's not uncommon for the grass to not grow as much as it did before. You have a lower dose BC pill and it's not fertilizing the grass as much, so the grass doesn't think it needs to grow. So, the mower doesn't have a lot of grass to cut. It's like me sending out my son to mow a putting green. He can mow and mow all day long, but he's not going to cut much. Your grass is just thinner now, so it's not cutting as much grass, hence the lack of a period."

Yes. It took everything to keep from cracking up about my uterus being a field of grass. Good ole Dr. Mac. I just love him. It was just a matter of switching BC regiments and everything is fine.

I'll never think of that time of the month the same again. Mowin' the grass...

HE DID IT!

Short post...well, short for me...

Y'all, David passed the CPA exam!!!!!!! I got the scores online (he never knew you could check them online...I did, because I'm-a sneaky sneaky) early Wednesday morning. I only told a few people so David could tell everybody else. Our sweet friends got together Saturday afternoon at a park nearby and we surprised him with the news! You should have seen his face. We pulled up, the park was empty, except for some folks under a picnic pavilion. David says, "Oh, look, the swings are free, let's go there first. Hey...is that Zack? That IS Zack. Hey, that's Taylor...wait...WAIT." And then they held up letters that spelled, "YOU PASSED!" And he figured it out from there. Malinda made cookies and cream cupcakes, complete with toppers of David's face, "CPA" and "YOU A**!" If you don't know that story, read it here.

Thank you guys for praying for him as he took the exam. Over 5 years of preparing for, studying for...and it's OVAH! I know I've told y'all before, but I just have to brag on Hugs...I'm so proud of him. Most folks take the CPA right out of college...they spend their senior year preparing for it with courses...and then take a few months off out of college to study. And even then, it's SO difficult. I can't even imagine. But, David had been out of college for a year, working full-time, when he decided he wanted to get his CPA. He went back to school, got his masters in Accounting and had to take additional coursework to be eligible to sit for the exam...all while working full-time and during a full tax season. Then, he spent the next two and half years studying for and taking the four sections of the exam, through another tax season (he doesn't do taxes anymore) and the girls being born. You have to pass all four parts with a minimum score of 75. Once you pass the first section, you have 18 months to pass the other three or that first section expires and you have to start all over. RIDONK, right? The test isn't 100% objective. It's not "Here is the Question, which of these four answers is the correct answer?" All four answers are correct...you have to pick the best one. And there are simulations and scenarios they have to work through that somebody reads through. God bless the people that have to read through those. A lot of questions are trick questions, designed to weed people out. Again, I've never taken it...I'm just getting this info from David.

David failed three sections of the exam once and then passed those three sections. This auditing section was his last one and he had never taken it before. His first section was to expire on July 16th of this year. So, he HAD to pass it. And he did. I have never seen a man so happy. Whew, I totally almost spilled my whole mug of tea in my lap. Y'all should have seen that catch I just made. Anyways. So, he's very happy and we're both very relieved that he's done with it. Now he has to just jump through a few more hoops to get his license. He has to pass a take-home, 40 question ethics exam required by the state. David's pretty ethical, so I'm sure he'll do fine. Shoot, I'd cheat on that sucker left and right...I'M KIDDING. Can you cheat on a take-home exam? He has to fill out a mountain of paperwork and pay a fee, of course, and then the license is his.

I meant to tell you all of that yesterday, but Piper Lee was muy constipado and it was a crazy morning. But, now we're all back on the Poo Poo Train and feelin' fine. It's the cheese, I know it is. They eat cheese like an old Italian man. So, I've cut back on their cheese snacks and we're eating raisins now instead. Well, they're eating raisins...I don't eat raisins. They look like the bugs caught in a pool skimmer.

Okay, I've gotta go put on some normal clothes, because Sean from Northern Ireland is coming to pick up Winona (the motorcycle) to "clean the carbs" or something. I know how to drive one, but I can barely tell you where the muffler is. I know, I'm a poser.

Have You Ever...

Have you ever wondered, as a child, why Bert and Ernie never socialized with the other people that lived on Sesame Street and then watched the show with your kids and noticed how much Grover and Ernie sounded alike and realized, "Oooooooooooh...THAT'S why they were never in the same scenes."

Have you ever made it your life goal to figure out how many characters are played by the same people on Sesame Street without Googling it?

Have you ever started preparing that edamame and quinoa salad that so and so fitness expert recommended to Jessica Simpson for her slim-down-for-the-wedding plan, blacked out, and woke up next to a half-eaten bag of Oreos?

Have you ever picked up the phone, held it to your ear, and waited and waited and waited for it to ring, and then realized you never dialed? And you have no one to blame but yourself.

Have you ever gone to go do something, walked into the room, forgot what it was you were going to do, and literally backed up, retracing your steps until the moment you remembered what you were doing?

Have you ever bought Christmas or birthday presents, hid them, forgot all about them, and found them a year later...and maybe waited to give them for THAT year's Christmas?

Have you ever washed your hair 3 times because you couldn't remember if you just washed it or not?

Have you ever thought, "Hmmm...you're writing a lot of stuff about your forgetful mental status."?

Have you ever looked at your kids and thought, "Now, which one are you?"

Have you ever planned your vacations 2, maybe 3 years in advance?

Have you ever tried to hide a box delivered at the door from your husband?

"What's that behind you?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Did you order another pair of shoes?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, really? It says Piperlime on the box."

"How do you know what Piperlime is? Maybe YOU ordered shoes."

Have you ever made a "milkman" joke to the wrong group of people? "Oh, your childrens' eyes are so beautiful." "Aw, thank you. They get it from the milkman. Heh heh." There's no backpeddling out of that one. Just so everyone knows, our milkman is a woman. Actually, no, there is no milkman, it's not the 50's. You have to tell those jokes to a very specific group of people.

Have you ever put Scotch tape on your kids' fingers just to occupy for them 20 minutes while you did the laundry?

Have you ever read someone's status in your newsfeed and it was kind of like, "WHAAAAAAT??" Either they called someone out or there was some huge drama going on, made very public by the fact that it's a, well, public wall. So, for several days, you checked back to see how the story unravelled. Like a cyber soap opera. I am quite frankly shocked by some of the things people put as their statuses.

Have you ever (Courtney) watched your neighbors out of your window for weeks and then thought, "I'm exactly the person that I'm afraid is watching me out of their window."? But then went back to watching because it's super fun and detective-y.

Have you ever tried to teach your kids to give you a back massage?

Have you ever put both of your contacts in the same eye, got out of bed, stumbled around, and lasted about 10 minutes before you realized something was up? "Dag yo...my prescription is wonky. Oh...wait..."

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon? Hey, is that where blue tortilla chips come from?!

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions...then you're a weirdo. I've never done any of those things.

Boo, The Weekend's Ovah

(swinging watch...monotonous tone) You are getting veeeery sleepy. You were probably already sleepy because it's Monday morning. But, still...the hypnotic effect of my hynopsis technique is making you veeeery sleepy. There is nothing different about Ruth's blog. It is still the same boring white background and static header. Listen to my voice...uh...typing...nothing is different. And if you live in England, send Ruth some Cadbury Eggssssssssss........

So, obviously there are some changes to the blog. It's not done yet. I had to "put it down" because my eyeballs were starting to bleed and I was about to send hate mail to the creator of HTML and XML and their kin folk. The changes you see thus far are HOURS of coding. Anybody who knows anything about coding could have probably done it in about 20 minutes or less. But for me, having coded ONE website in college...it took a little longer. And those of you who use Blogger probably have updated their site to the new templates and are wondering why this has been such an ordeal. I'm still on the 100 year old template, hence all the coding. I'm going to upgrade to the new one, but it's going to take forever to plug in all of my changes to the new XML code. And right now, I'm just holding on to what little bit of sanity I have left because I felt some sense of accomplishment making it this far.

Right click on the background and choose "View Source"...that's what I've been staring at...a.k.a. bleeding eyeballs. BUT, once you kind of get the hang of it, you feel empowered. I can type in letters and numbers and symbols...MWAH HA HAAAAAA...my evil planned is coming together... I don't know what that plan is. Well, no, first, it's to finish the stupid blog. Maybe take over the world after that, I dunno. I haven't thought that far ahead.

If anybody knows an easy way (or a way at all) to transfer a lot of my personalized coding to the new Blogger templates, will you email me? An iTunes gift card awaits you...

NEIGHBOR UPDATE

Saturday late afternoon, I was headed out...neighbors parked in the cul-de-sac, loading or unloading stuff again. Just one car this time. The grandparents were there and the wife. I waved and said hello. The wife, taking a long draw on a cigarette, responded with a peppy, "Hey girl! How them babies?"

"Oh, good, good! They're a mess, running everywhere."

"I need to come and see them!"

"Yes, you should! Come anytime. We're always home! Hey, how come you guys don't really live there anymore? We've been watching you through our windows and have noticed the grandparents with the little blonde boy going in and out of the garage. And we've been snooping around, peeking through your windows to see if we could see anything. What is going on?"

I really didn't say those last few sentences. But, it's. so. weird. right?? They're there on the weekends, randomly unloading and loading stuff. But during the week, nobody is ever there.

We've come to the conclusion that someone has bought the house from them directly and there was no big sale or showing...seems like someone in the family, maybe the grandparents. But there's the little blonde boy always around, too, and we've never seen him before. Maybe he's a ghost. Bleh, little kid ghosts are the worst.

Anyways.

Yesterday was Father's Day, duh. Happy Father's Day, dads! I'm so thankful for my Dad. He and his beard are pretty fantastic. I love you, Daddy. And I'm so thankful for Hugs, who is an amazing father to our girls. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect man to journey through parenthood with. I love you, baby. I'm also thankful for my wonderful father-in-law...the best storyteller I know. I love you, Papa. My grandfathers, Papaw and Papaw, you guys are the majority of the reason I'm #1, a good liar and #2, a little spoiled. Y'all rock my world. I love you both. And my sweet uncles...y'all are the reason #1, I'm a good fighter and #2, why football bewilders me. Thanks for giving me so much inside info about Mom and Dad. I've used it to my advantage. I love you guys.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!

DON'T LOOK!

A Master of the Martial Arts Fighting and Stuff

I just got this in an email...

"I'm reaching out to you because (insert random networking site who shall remain nameless because I don't want them sending me spam) is getting a lot of job leads for kung fu teachers, and I'm looking for another kung fu teacher who is interested in taking on more clients. After reading through your site, I feel like you would be a good fit."

She couldn't be more right. I would be a good fit. You didn't know that about me, did you?

Hi-YAH! Neck chop!

Iz Frudah, Y'all!!

So, first of all, Courtney and Allison...your locked out stories cracked me up. I definitely need to hide two keys. Okay, Courtney, are you serious? That guy really did that? I can't even believe that. I am flabbergasted. I hope one day, he gets pregnant, and gets locked out of the house...in the dead of summer...in Arizona...in a wool suit.

Speaking of neighbors...NEIGHBOR UPDATE. Okay, so, you guys...this past Saturday morning at like 4 a.m., Piper Lee woke up and was calling out. And the only reason I got up to get her is because she's teething all four incisors at the same time and those bad boys hurt, so, I got her and held her in the living room. As she was settling back to sleep, I heard the deep rumble from the neighbor's diesel truck. It had been a long time since we heard that. Piper Lee drifted off, I laid her down, then went to the guest bedroom and peeked out the window. Sure enough, their truck! I thought it was kind of early to be scuttling about on a Saturday morning, but whatever, it was 4:30 a.m. and I was going back to bed. Around 7:30 a.m., when we were all awake and getting ready to head to the lake, we heard the truck roar to life again. David rushed to the window...it was the wife loading stuff into the back of the truck. She drove off.

Odd? We thought the same thing. Why would she be loading stuff into her truck for three hours so early in the morning and then leaving. We thought they might be avoiding people seeing them. THEN, Saturday afternoon, four cars, including the truck, pull into the cul-de-sac and their driveway. It was the husband, wife, both kids, the grandparents, a brother, and a little blonde-haired boy. We recognized the grandparents from past visits. The husband and brother were loading stuff into the back of the truck. All in broad daylight, so no hiding. We thought for sure they were moving. But then, we notice people unloading stuff from the other three cars and carrying it INTO the house through the garage, including a large chair, some plants, books, random boxes, small children's toys. Nothing was in moving boxes or large containers. All handfuls of random stuff. But, all going into the house. And yes, you can picture David and I peering out the window like Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, because that's exactly what we were doing...sans binoculars...and a broken leg...and Grace Kelly. Well, no, I was Grace Kelly, I guess. Shucks. And David was Jimmy. Okay, so JUST like Rear Window.

After about two hours or so of loading the truck with bicycles, a grill, and a chest, and unloading the cars, they all left. And that was the last we've seen of them.

So, we were wondering...what if the grandparents are moving IN with them to help offset the costs? If so, where are they? Or, maybe the grandparents are moving in in place of the family to help save the house from being foreclosed on? We can't figure it out. Once again, not that it's any of our business. But, they were only there for a couple of hours, not long enough to set anything up or really move anything in. And the TV is still gone. And why was the wife there so early Saturday morning loading up the truck? So...I dunno. That's my neighbor gossip for the week.

Locked Out: A Lifetime Original Movie

Despite the morning hour, it was hot outside. The suffocating kind of hot. The kind of hot that makes your eyeballs sweat. This part of the country hadn't seen rain in weeks. Those tiny drops of life-giving sustenance that fell from the heavens had become a thing of legend. Stories were told by the village elders of a precipitous phenomenon called...RAIN...ooooooooh aaaaaaah... A yellow haze had settled over the land.

Our heroine, Ruth, was sitting at her desk, going through her every-day routine of opening iChat, checking email, sorting through the design programs. Her set of girl twins, Hippo and Potamus Lee, were in the play room off to the right developing their secret language. Ruth had suspicions that they were plotting a household takeover, but she couldn't prove anything. She was collecting data...biding her time...arming herself with gummy bears, mini M&Ms, anything she could barter with if the situation called for it.

Aside from the computer's whirring, the twins' mumbling, and the occasional mocking birds' mechanical screeches, it was pretty quiet. Kinda nice. But, all good things must come to an end...the silence was interrupted by the faint "maw...maw...meow...meow...MEOW MEOW MEOW!" approach of a stray cat, growing steadily louder and more annoying. It was Rosa, the petite black and white female. Ruth sighed. Sweet cat, but gyah, shut up, she grumbled internally. Rosa wanted breakfast. Ruth and her sessy man, David, had taken it upon themselves to buy the cheapest cat food possible and feed the cul-de-sac strays. Why? Who knows. There were only two felines that came around consistently...Joaquin and Rosa–self-proclaimed mortal enemies. Rosa was half the size of Joaquin, but she owned the street...and the patio...and breakfast could not wait.

Ruth stood up, stretched, and stepped over the baby gate to the back door. She turned the lock to the horizontal unlocked position and twisted the knob. Searing heat blasted Ruth in the face as she cracked the door open. It was like one of those apocalypse movies where it looks like you're looking at everything through a film of water. Ruth stepped out into the swelter and pulled the door behind her, leaving it slightly cracked.

"Rosa," Ruth exasperated to the furry creature below, knowing she had to roll the "R", otherwise Rosa wouldn't respond, "you're a lot of trouble, I hope you know that."

Rosa responded with a purr, flick of her tail, and leg rub, Ruth's pants like a magnet for the black and white fur. The human grabbed the empty dish and reached into the cat food bag to refill it. CLICK. Giggle giggle giggle. Ruth looked up to see that the twins had come behind her and pushed the door all the way shut. They loved to open and close doors, so it was bound to happen. She set the filled dish in front of the minuscule cat and patted her on the head. Then, the door knob jiggled a few times, followed by a fainter, smaller click.

Ha, they're trying to turn the lock. Wait...WHAT?! Ruth darted to the door, grabbed the knob, and turned. Nothing.

OH, *BEEEEEP*.

That trouble-making duo had locked our protagonist out. Ruth peered inside the door's window only to see the two pointing and laughing at her. This was a very fun game, apparently. No cell phone, the only neighbors they knew well had disappeared, no hidden key. She tried the door again, as if it might have magically unlocked itself in the past 47 seconds. Hmm...maybe a window or the front door is unlocked. No. That would be ridiculous. Ruth never left anything unlocked. If she lived next to Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse, she wouldn't leave the door or windows unlocked. When she visited friends, she would lock the door behind her. Not a chance another opening in the house would be available for use at this time.

Whew...the temperature was rising. Ruth was starting to glisten. She pondered for a moment, I'm just going to have to break the window. She looked around...beach balls, swim shoes, a wagon, rug...nothing that screamed "I can be easily used to break a window." Maybe I can use my fist....ha, no. That barely works in movies. The mother relented, peeked inside the window again to make sure the twins weren't boiling water or ironing anything, took a deep breath, and high-tailed it out into the street. She knocked on the first door, the neighbors on the other side...no answer. Strange, because I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, AMANDA. Whatever. Ruth spotted a young woman three houses down grabbing something out of her car. YES! You'll do.

As Ruth scurried across the asphalt, waves of red hot heat licked her bare legs. Please don't let me be super gross when I get to this house.

Ruth approached the house at a sprint, the woman was already inside, and knocked on the door. Nothing. Come on! I totally just saw you. She rang the doorbell. That got an answer. Thankfully, the woman was dressed just about as classy as Ruth...cropped sweat pants, t-shirt, facial headband left over from that morning's face washing ritual...otherwise, Ruth was afraid the woman would have thought she was homeless. The neighborly neighbor was cleaning the house. She and I would be good friends, Ruth thought. The small woman, eyebrows raised, stood in the doorway waiting for an explanation.

Humbly, Ruth asked, "I am SO sorry to bother you. I'm Ruth. I live in the house in the center of the cul-de-sac. My kids have locked me out of the house. Can I borrow your phone for two seconds?"

An understanding look washed over the neighbor's face. She smiled a knowing grin.

"Been there. Totally understand," she laughed as she handed Ruth her cell phone.

Ruth dialed David at work, "Hey, sweet pea. How's it going? Sooo...the girls locked me out of the house and I need you to come home and let me in, kthanxbye."

"Uh...what?" David asked, amused.

"Just come home!" Ruth pleaded.

Ruth profusely thanked the neighbor for her generosity and raced back to her own home. She went to the playroom window and peeked inside. Double and Trouble were playing contentedly with the pretend kitchen that sang questionable songs..."Shapes in my refrigerator–triangle, circle and square. Close the door's face, see ya later. Shapes are everywhere." I know, right?

Hippo and Potamus Lee spotted their winded mother through the window and waved. Ruth attempted to draw them to the back door to see if they would maybe try to unlock the door for her to no avail. They just proceeded to bang on the door and laugh. Beads of sweat were running rivers down Ruth's back. She went back to the playroom window and pressed her hands against the glass. The twins followed suit. They counted fingers, sang songs, did interpretive dance, and called for "Kithy Kithy"...a.k.a. Rosa. They weren't concerned about their mother melting in the furnace outside. Ruth looked down at the still purring kithy kithy, "Rosa, this is all your fault. Learn to feed yourself."

After what felt like a week ('twas really just 20 minutes), Ruth heard a click...rheeeee...Oh, that beautiful noise. And that beautiful man who opened the door. That beautiful man biting his lip trying to hold a laugh in because his almost 18-month old twins locked his wife, now drenched in sweat, outside the house.

"Shut up," Ruth said before David could utter a word. "And thank you."

David headed back to work and Ruth, with a shrug and sigh, grinned at her twins, who responded with a look of, "Hey, where you been?"

The End.

Ultimate Warrior Ninja Wake Surfers

For your viewing pleasure.

Now remember, this was the first time we had tried this (except for Sara). Malinda, listen to what David mumbles when I put the Auburn hat on. I didn't get to get Kim surfing because she let us go first since we were leaving that day. But, I hear from Sara that she is a natural, as evidenced by the next day's pictures.

Can't...Move...

On Saturday, David, the girls and I headed north to Bryan's parents' lake house to spend the day jet skiing, wake surfing (hence the "Can't...Move..."), and all around lazing about. It was SO much fun. We would have gotten there about 17 hours earlier, but we followed Sara's emailed directions. A heads up...don't ever follow Sara's directions. There were about 10 turns/roads, and about 8.5 of them were wrong. The "when you come to a T in the road" actually means "when you come to the second T". The "first house on the right" is actually the second house. Etc. God bless her.

Mom and Dad were able to come up and join us and Noah drove down, too. Peter couldn't come because of work. He's headed with the youth group to Centrifuge this week and had to work the weekend. We missed having him there.

We all attempted wake surfing. I have some pretty great video of that and I'm putting together an "epic fail" montage of our surfing endeavors.

The girls were perfect all day long. They loved riding in the boat. We tried to get them to wake surf, but no takers. Maybe next year.

They ADORE animals. Bryan's parents have three huge dogs (Chip, Lewis, and Moose) and one medium dog (Clementine). This is Chip. And yes, we used leashes in the boat house. My kids have never walked anywhere. Their feet hit the floor and PHEW! they're at a full-out run.

Harper and Mom looking for the boats.

Listen, I don't want to hear it about the Auburn hat. I lost my sunglasses in the lake (story in a second) and I did what I had to do. Noah let me borry it.

The only actual pictures I got of anybody surfing. Go, Uncle Noah!

Later in the day, Noah, David, and I decided to go jet skiing. Mom and Dad graciously offered to watch the girls in the house. Kelsey, Bryan's cousin, took one of the jet skis out. We didn't want to hog two jet skis in case Sara and Kim wanted to go out. They have one huge jet ski that carries three people, so we thought it'd be a brilliant idea to take that one and all three ride. Of course, I called dibs on driving first. Before we headed out, Sara warned, "Y'all be careful with that one. It's really powerful. Don't try to throw each other off." Yeah, okay, thanks, Mom.

So, I was driving, Noah behind me, David behind him. I started out straight, made a smooth turn left, saw a boat headed towards us and I squeezed the throttle. I was headed for its wake. It was a small boat, but I figured any wake is better than none. I was used to riding alone, not thinking anything about jumping waves with the extra weight. I sped up. As we got closer to the blue green peaks, I thought, "This probably isn't the best idea...but it's going to be amazing." The nose of the jet ski turned towards the sky as we reached the first wave. Our momentum, increased by the two extra passengers, drove us down over the crest into the trough of the wake and sling shot us straight up over the second wave. The jet ski stopped three feet over the wave, gravity pulling it back down, but the three humans kept going up. Somehow, the force of the wave propelled us to the left, while the jet ski shot out from under us to the right.

As I was flying through the air, my wrist yanked the emergency stop strap free from its place on the left handle. I thought, "Well, that's good, cuz I don't wanna have to swim too far." I hit the water first. I felt Noah close behind me. The rush of the water slammed my head forward, touching my chin to my life jacket. My face felt like it was in an automatic car wash. I pondered many things..."Dag yo! My sunglasses!" "This is probably a good exfoliation." "Mom is going to be so mad if I've killed David and Noah." I eventually slowed after what felt like an eternity, the water becoming softer, more compassionate, and less like swimming through boulders. I shot up and looked around. Nothing. Panic. I spun to face behind me...relief. Noah and David's heads bobbing above the surface several feet away from me. I yelled, "Everybody okay?!" Noah replied, "Yeah. My eyes feel like they were pushed into the back of my skull, but other than that I'm fine." David was quiet, feeling each of his teeth to make sure they were still there. His response, "Are my teeth still there?" We checked. They were still there.

We located the jet ski and swam towards it, feeling like we just got a big hug from a lacrosse team. We got back on, me still driving...I'm surprised they let me...and all agreed, "That was AWESOME!" However, we decided that just two on the jet ski was a better idea, so Noah and I took a turn and then David and Noah went out for a little bit. Sara, you were right...that WAS a powerful jet ski.

Ugh, I'm still so bummed about my sunglasses. I drove around for a second, hoping they would float. Sunglasses don't float, Ruth. Thank goodness I didn't wear my good ones like I almost did. And you know what, that stupid water ripped my ponytail holder out, too. I had to go all cave woman the rest of the day.

Yesterday, we were a little sore from surfing. My neck and shoulders hurt from the jet ski. But, today is much better. Amazing how many muscles you can pull that you didn't even know you had.

Okay, change of subject...yes, how frustrating is HTML, girls. Brandi, it's HyperText Markup Language, which makes as much sense as Cascading Style Sheets. Who names this stuff, honestly? I swear I have ALL of the coding exactly as it's supposed to be and it's still not doing what I want. Obviously, that means I don't have it exactly as it's supposed to be, but still. It's like one little semi-colon is in the wrong place and I can't find it. Booooooo HTML. Maybe we'll figure it out soon. :) If you do, let me know and I'll do the same!

YOU GUYS...

OH MY GOSH, YOU GUYS...I AM GOING INSANE! I'm afraid you will forever be stuck with my white background. Seriously. LIKE, SERIOUSLY.

I have looked through so much CSS and HTML and STUPID and DUMB and PMS and IHATECODING that I'm never going to get my new design up. Let's all take a moment to come to the realization that Bogue & Weejer will, for all eternity, have a white background...that's it. (moment of silence.......................) Okay, as long as we all accept that.

No, for real, one day, it'll be up and y'all will be like, "Hmmm...meh...it's okay." And then I'll be like, "LOOK AT IT!!!! LOOK AT THE BEAUTY THAT IS THIS BLOG! I coded this suckah!" But until then...white background...and my angst...and ellipses. Goodnight.

Who came up with CSS and HTML? It makes no sense. Just some nerds (I apologize if you're a computer genius...I'm very flustered right now. I don't mean to lash out at you. Please don't take it personally.) who were like, "Hey, this will be super confusing...huh huh...snort. Let's do it! So, are we playing Dungeons and Dragons later tonight, cuz I gotta be home by 9pm?" Cascading Style Sheets?? What, are we programming for Martha Stewart? Her Egyptian cotton sheets aren't good enough, she needs stylish cascading sheets now? What? You make no sense! I just want to place two images...TWO IMAGES! Okay, for real goodnight.

TWO!!! IMAGES!!! WHYYYYYYY??????? WHHHHhhhyyyyyy...sob sob sob...

Oh, dude, Jocelyn...we totally took your advice (y'alls comments made me laugh, btw) and went to check on our neighbors. They're totally gone. We peeked through the windows (EEECK!) and their TV is gone and piles of stuff by the front door. I think they're gone for good. It makes me sad because they were good neighbors and their kids were so sweet. Sigh....................................I CALL DIBS ON THEIR BOAT, SHANE!

Tidbits

It's been crazy 'round here the past few days, and I have a ton of posts I've been wanting to do, but no time to do them, so today is Random Tidbits O' Information Day.

Since the girls and I don't go out much, this is basically the cul-de-sac gossip headquarters.

Our neighbors, the ones we've had for over 6 years, are gone. And it's not like, "Oh, they moved," type of thing. No, they upped and disappeared. Seriously. A few conversations with them led us to believe they might be having monetary issues. Not our business, I know, but they offered up the information on their own. They got rid of her honkin' SUV...traded it for a compact car. He had a monster truck, literally, which got downgraded to a regular truck. We didn't see them outside much anymore. They've got two really awesome kids...one is 6, one is 13. They used to be outside all. the. time. But we never saw them anymore. Then, one day a few weeks ago, a fancy pants Chevy Camaro rolls up in the driveway. It is NICE. It's like Transformers nice. We, thought, "Yay, they're doing okay!" But then, no more cars. No hanging out on their front steps like they used to. Nothing. This was like two weeks ago. Their grass is looking kind of iffy, whereas they used to keep it well-manicured all year long. But, y'all, we don't know where they are. I sound a little stalkerish, but when you live in a cul-de-sac, regular TV is boring, and you don't go anywhere because you live with two hoodlums, this is what I do. I keep an eye on our street. Their boat is still there and their trampoline. I'm usually not this much of a busy-body (ha, that's a lie), but it's just weird, right? We never saw a moving truck. I mean, they could have moved in the middle of the night, but I doubt that. It's a big two-story, so a lot of stuff to load. Anyways. I will keep you apprised of the missing neighbor situation.

I was telling Katie C the other day about the house wrens that annually lay eggs in the nest at the top of our patio. My desk is right in front of the window and I can watch them. Again, a little stalkerish, but it's birds, right. Mama laid her eggs in April, I think. I've been watching Mom and Dad take such good care of them for weeks. Dad would bring Mom food while she was incubating. Mom cleaned the nest regularly. The eggs finally hatched and, God love them, those critters were U-G-L-Y, they ain't got no alibi. But they grew some feathers, put on some weight, and cleaned up real nice. There were five, originally. One died. I thought the Mom was throwing him out, she kept pulling him up and he was hanging on the side of the nest. I was about to run outside and catch him if he fell. Then, she flew away with him. I realized he had died and she was carrying him away. David and I had an unnecessarily long conversation about whether or not birds mourn for their babies that die or is it just instinct. Anyways, the other four thrived and got fatter and fatter. I figured they'd walk the rest of their lives because their wings could never lift the cargo. But they did. The last baby flew away yesterday morning and I got to watch him leave. And then I was sad. I told Katie it was like watching a sitcom or reading a book...you grow attached to these characters and then the show/book ends and they're gone. Now, all I have to watch in the back yard is the epic battle between stray cats Joaquin and Deschanel.

I realized this is the most boring post ever. I promise I'll make it up to you soon.

The girls have now shifted from Yo Gabba Gabba to all things Disney, which is fine by me, because Disney is way more tolerable than YGG. Their new thing is to point at what they want and say "this." They've perfected their fake laugh and use it often in public settings. It's a very polite laugh, I must say. I used to would say that Harper was the bully, but Piper Lee has stepped up her game. Harper steals pacifiers right out of your mouth, but Piper Lee will throw Harp's snuggle blanket out of reach, which is the most devastating thing you could do to Harper. They'll do stuff like that, but the next second, they're sitting side by side reading a book. I've trained them to throw away their own diapers. Trained...as in, yes, like a dog. It's not like you can reason with them at this age. They clap and say "yay!" at the end of songs I sing to them, which makes me feel like Beyoncé. Bathtime is more like "How Much Water Can We Get Out of the Tub" time. But, it keeps them happy, so we don't mind cleaning up.

Anyways. I'm gonna go eat something. I hope none of you have died from boredom just now. "Bueller...Bueller...."

Bizzy, Bizzy Weekend

This weekend was soooooooo much fun and all we did was hang out, go to the zoo, and relax. By golly, it was hot, so we swam a lot, too.

David and I try to fix real meals on the weekend for the two of us after the girls go to bed. Saturday night, we made lettuce wraps. I loooooove me some lettuce wraps. We used iceburg lettuce leaves and I'm sure there's a more proper type of lettuce or greenery to use, but that's what we got. I wrapped mine, David wrapped his. Mine looked like a pair of raccoons wrapped it. David's looked like he got his wrapped at Tiffany's. At least they tasted the same.

Oh, and we're not really that tan in real life. The contrast on my monitor was too high and I had already put the color in before I realized that.

Sunday, David and I celebrated our seven year wedding anniversary! So happy being married to that guy. Looking forward to the next 70, baby!

We decided to take the girls to the zoo since they had never been. It was 1000 degrees (as in, A THOUSAND), but thankfully, there were a lot of indoor (a.k.a. air conditioned) exhibits. We went to the petting zoo, which they adored.

We went to the butterfly garden.

We met two very blasé lions on the road.

Then, we got to see a REAL lion! (Kithy kithy)

We saw another big kithy kithy.

"Love that kitty kitty, Harper. He's a sweet kitty, but we don't pet the stripey kind."

We saw these little weasel things. The girls loved them. They kept running back and forth in front of the glass.

I'm having trouble with the underlining, so just ignore it.

We took a picture with an elephant.

Squirrel monkeys.

Gorillas.

Plamingos. It's more fun to say "plamingos."

We went mining for gold in Australia.

We finished up the day with a carousel ride.

Post zoo crash. All in all, it was a success. I definitely think we won't go again until the Fall. Entirely too hot.

When we got home, we had supper outside and swam for a bit.

For dinner, since it was our anniversary, David grilled us some steaks and shkrimp and I made bacon wrapped asparagus and a white cheese sauce with mushrooms and onions. I can eat that kind of meal maybe once a year. So rich...so delicious...but it makes my face hurt afterwards. My eyes were literally nauseated.

Monday, we swam just about all day. A very good day. We finished up with a chill dog cookout complete with Nutella S'mores with Zack, Malinda, Gran Jan and Laura Grace (they were coming back through from a visit to family in Missouri.) Such a great three-day weekend!

This is the look you don't mess with.

See the chocolate on my lip? Yeah, David let me go all day without telling me.

Piper watching Yo Gabba Gabba after the zoo.