Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Stories...Edition 2

This story comes to us from an "Anonymous" contributor. But, you might could guess who it is. And I would say she is a lucky, lucky gal...having given birth to such a beautiful baby girl...a marvel really. The world is better for it.

when i was giving birth to my second daughter, i was in the hospital for 4 days prior to her birth, being induced, because my blood pressure was high. it was late august/early september in the deep south and you know how hot that can be. i was miserable being in semi-labor every day but not progressing fast. finally, on september first, she was ready to enter the world. would you believe that about 30 minutes prior to them taking me to the delivery room, the power went out in the hospital. even though the hospital had a back-up generator for essential functions, the air conditioning was not one of those functions. it was easily 100 degrees in the hospital, i had been in labor for 4 days (induced labor which is very painful), and i had to transfer from my hospital bed to a stretcher (this was in the old days). neither the bed nor the stretcher could be electrically raised because there was no power so i had to physically get on the stretcher myself while in lots and lots of pain, hungry and with sweat literally dripping off my entire body. finally, i make it onto the stretcher and as they are wheeling me out of the room, the nurses hit the door frame with my stretcher and almost throw me to the floor. at that point i yelled out...OH ****....only to look up and see my pastor standing right there looking at me. he never said a word to me about that outburst and never brought it up again:)

This next submission is also from an "Anonymous" contributor...what is up with the anonymity? It's like you don't want people to know you pooped your pants. This was also the story David picked as the winner of the giveaway.

Several years ago, my whole family took a trip to Disney World. While at Epcot, we ate at the restaurant in Paris. The meal was delicious! Roast chicken and onion soup :) Half way through the meal, my daughter got really sleepy, so I held her in my lap while I continued to eat. Then I felt a warm sensation run down my leg. My child had peed not on herself so much, but all over my white capri pants. Great. I went to the restroom to try and clean up and that’s when it happened. Stomach cramp. Uh oh. Not good. Maybe roast chicken and onion soup in 90º weather is not such a good idea? There are no empty stalls and I am about to, well ... go. Finally a stall! I run inside take care of business (first properly lining the seat with a proective covering). Ahhhh, relief. I’ll deal with the pee soaked pants later. As I finish up, I go to flush and notice the paper seat cover is stuck to my rear. But there’s more than paper suck to it. At that point it was too late. The poo paper had gotten all over the back of my pants. So now I have my daughter’s pee and my poo all over my clothing. I thought surely someone in my family would come check on me soon. It felt like I had been in there for hours, but I couldn’t leave the stall. I removed my pants sat back down and cried. A grown woman. Stuck in a stall. Pantless. Bawling. Finally, my mother came in to check on me. I burst into tears and told her I needed new pants. Just go, I’ll be here waiting. And I did wait, about another hour for her to return with $70 pants (hey - Disney aint cheap). I cleaned myself up, put on horribly expensive and ugly capris, regained the small amount of dignity I had left, and walked out of the bathroom with my held held high. My family was outside of the restaurant trying to contain their laughter. As I walked past all I said was, “not one word. not ONE word.”

This story comes from Courtney over at The Life and Times of Me. Of all the things in all the world in front of any particular age picked it good, girl. I'm trying to think of how you would recover from this. Bless you. Heh heh rocket ship.

Once I was teaching youth for Patrick because he had to study for a test or something along those lines. I don't even remember what the lesson was about, but I was trying to say the words "rocket ship" only it came out "rocket s***t" in front of a room full of 13-17 year olds. They thought it was hilarious. I turned 27 shades of red.

This one is from my sweet super stylish Amberoo, a.k.a. The Pink Pixi! She has made me spend way too much at Sephora with all of her recommendations. Okay, the running theme of the Dr. Peppers was awesome. Whatever you do, SAVE THE DR. PEPPER! If only I had seen that stair incident. I'm just picturing it...over and over...I love you, girlie.

so...i think i normally block out my most embarrassing moments...or maybe i just don't get embarrassed?
but, when i was in college at auburn i took a philosophy class that i LOVED. but it was a super small class in a super small classroom. during this time in my life i carried a 20oz dr. pepper with me everywhere i went. naturally i would take a sip during class on occasion. however, i happen to have a spastic right hand. and one day as i was setting down my dr. pepper my hand spazzed and the bottle flew and landed right at the feet of the teacher. luckily he liked me...
that very same day leaving class in one of the busiest buildings on campus, which just so happened to have A LOT of stairs, i slipped and tumbled down the stairs in front of a crowd. never let go of that dr. pepper bottle though.
luckily i just think stuff like that is hysterical...

These next two are from Jenny at The Underside of the Universe. So many reasons I like Jenny. Her middle name is Ruth, for starters. That gets her points right there. She's also one of those people that has the most interesting and unusual stories. She's super crafty, too. I mean...awesome crafty. It makes me sick. You make me sick, Jenny Ruth. I can barely write in cursive.

I can't tell you how many times I've done the exact same thing as the following story. Maybe not the Marilyn Manson backpack incident, which is superb and David nearly lost it, but definitely done the thinking someone else is my husband. I've actually held another guy's hand before.

And this isn't the "best", but to make you feel better about your mom stories, this past summer, Stephen and I had just come out of seeing Thor at the movie theater at the Summit. We both had to go to the bathroom, so we went in our separate doors and said we would meet outside when finished. I came out and found Stephen reading something on his cell phone, so I went over to him and stood closely by him. And then I got really close so I could tell him something about a weird shirt someone was wearing--as in our heads were just a couple of inches away. One little move and I would've kissed him. Only to look up and see someone who looked nothing like Stephen. He also wasn't dressed like Stephen. What was I thinking. So I looked at the strange man and said, "You're totally not my husband." And immediately walked away to see Stephen come out of the bathroom. Face flushed and red, I hurried him away as fast as I could.
When I was a senior in high school, I was president of the largest club in the school, and I would often make announcements over the intercom in the mornings concerning the service projects and such that our club was doing. I was also an athlete and very involved around the school. I wasn't "popular" but was very well known, and the whole school knew who it was when I was making morning announcements.

One morning, a lost backpack had ended up in the office. This was during the time when kids thought it was cool to "paint" or write on their backpacks with whiteout. This particular one had some artwork and the name "Marilyn Manson" very largely and boldly painted on the front. My announcement was at the end, and as I was finishing, the assistant principal asked me to announce that Marilyn Manson's book bag was in the front office. So, me having no clue who the heck Marilyn Manson was, did so. Over the entire school. During morning announcements. And everyone knew it was me who did it. As I cluelessly walked back down through the hallways, I could hear laughing and giggling coming from each homeroom. When the bell rang to go to 1st period, some friends came up to me laughing and talking about how awesome that was. "What do you mean? Why is everyone laughing?" Apparently the assistant principal and I were the only ones in the school who didn't know about Marilyn Manson, and that this person was neither a girl or a student at our school.

My blunder became classic fodder for laughs and was even featured in the student council Christmas assembly skit the next year--after I had graduated!

Here's one from Katy over at Monster Proof! I can't believe Robby is 8 months old. That's ridiculous. He was just born. What happened? Katy has a German Shepherd named Harper, which I adore, because my Harper is kind of like a German Shepherd. Less furry. But, she's pretty formidable on the outside and a big teddy bear on the inside. Katy, when I was reading David your story, I snorted from laughing while envisioning you hanging off the ski lift. Well, I've never been snow-skiing so my hat's off to you.

I have to choose ONE?!?!

My dad took my brother and I with him on a business trip to Switzerland when I was a junior in high school (torture, I know). We decided to go skiing, and while I wasn't that experienced, I thought, "Sure, I can handle the Alps."

Beyond the graceless actual attempts at skiing, I had never been on a T-Bar ski lift before. My father got on first, and made it all slanted, and I tried to load...and failed miserably. Shortly after it started moving, I slid down, and was hanging off of it by my hands, ultimately falling off about 1/2 way up. I had to take off my skis and walk all the way down the mountain as people shouted at me in German. The upside was I didn't know German, and had no clue what they were saying...

(Would the time I was skiing and ran into a picnic table have been better? I don't have much luck with the whole skiing thing...)

And the last one is from Jamie B. over at Jamie's Rabbits. Now, I've never met Jamie, but she knows my sister Sara somehow. And she also knows Erin and a few others. I need to find this connection. She's hilarious, though. I am so so so happy (and sad) that this happened on your first date ever. I know it wasn't awesome then, but gyah, it makes for a good story. I do that all the time in the theater. I have grabbed so many über personal body parts in the dark...accidentally, of course. People in the theater just need to know I'm gonna be crossing some personal boundaries.

First date - ever. So nervous...spend hours getting ready...struggle through dinner trying to be so cute and funny and so lovely that he would for sure want to ask me out again!

Finish dinner and go to a movie at the Summit (which was BRAND NEW at this time). It's a Saturday night, so the movie theater is packed and we are a little late. We walk across the front of this PACKED movie theater, wondering if we will even be able to find two seats together - except I don't walk. I slide on someone's spilled drink. I awkwardly manage to not fall by flailing my arms around and doing the running man. The packed theater laughs and some give me a standing ovation. Needless to say, I was so glad the movie theater was dark and I didn't have to talk.


  1. I didn't share mine before. I think I was paralyzed -- WHICH one to share?! I have so many ...

    There's the first day of middle school. Brand new school. It was raining. I walked in and BUSTED my BUTTOCKS on the slick floors. In front of all the "cool" 8th graders. Be glad Sara wasn't there to witness it. I was mortified and my first day of school outfit was ruined.

    Or, the "classic" story of how when I was in first or second grade (I can't remember--see how traumatized I was?!) and I was on one of the old swings with the big "S" hooks and my shorts got caught in the hook when I swung high and jumped out...and somehow ripped right off. So there I stood, in the middle of the playground at recess, in only a t-shirt and my underwear. 7 years old. I think I was encircled by a kind, protective group of girls immediately (Sara maybe? Thanks, if so) but I'll never forget that Todd Mote climbed to the top of the slide so he could peer down at me and tell everybody about it. Pervert. I never lived that down, either. Small town and all. Any new kid that joined our class heard that story from SOMEONE as soon as they met me and they even brought it up at high school graduation. I should've been homeschooled! *wink*

    Ok, so this last one has to be the best...much like others, I, too have been humiliated at Disney World. EPCOT center, to be precise. We were there on vacation with another family. I think I was 9 or 10. And they wanted to take a picture of all us kids in front of that big fountain in front of the EPCOT ball. So, I, being, the oldest, climbed up on the edge of the fountain to sit behind the others. Well, just as Mrs. Joyce is taking the picture...I FELL BACKWARD INTO the fountain. And I'm pretty sure the moment was captured on video by some Japanese tourist. I wish I could find that footage -- there go my feet up in the air! Thankfully, the water wasn't deep. But I did have to walk around FOR THE REST OF THE DAY with wet pants. Like, I remember going on rides and stuff. I had to keep explaining to people that no, I did not pee my pants. Why didn't my parents think of buying ME overly-priced Disney shorts?!!!

  2. Too bad I missed this contest... One day, when my son and I were sharing a stall in a public bathroom, he said loudly "Mommy, is that your big butt?"

    Unfortunately, we weren't alone. I heard laughter coming out of the other stalls and tried to hightail it out of there ASAP without looking at anyone. Sigh.


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Mom, keep it clean.
Have a fabtastic day!