Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Rules

If you are an unborn twin girl...whose future includes residing in my house...there are a few rules you must know about:

1. There will be no switching of identities. Even if you think it's "funny" and that "Mom will get a kick out of it." No, Mom will not get a kick out of it.

2. You will say "ma'am, sir, please, and thank you." You don't have to sit cross-legged like this is the 1800's, but you will speak respectfully to your elders.

3. You can get your ears pierced when you're 13. Maaaaaaybe depends on what Dad says. And we'll take you to Papa Doc and let him do them. You can get second holes when you're 16...maaaaybe 15. Again, you'll have to talk to your Dad.

4. You can have whatever haircut you want...heaven knows I chose what I wanted. Sometimes it doesn't always work out, so we'll flip through a magazine first.

5. You can start officially dating when you're 16...but just remember, every boy you bring home for us to meet will have a bullet with his name written on it.

6. You will take karate/self-defense classes as early as they'll let us enroll you (that's your Dad's rule).

7. You will also enroll in the Shane's School of Guns and Assorted Weaponry. Nobody is gonna mess with you.

8. You can go anywhere you want to for college and you can choose whatever major you want. But, you WILL go to college and you WILL graduate. We have college funds set up for you and if you get scholarships...we'll either A) give you the extra money for savings/car/etc. or B) spend that money on a nice vacation for Ma and Pa.

9. When you turn 18, you will register to vote and you will every election. You can decide on your own who to vote for...I won't choose that for you. However, the outcome of rule number 8 highly depends on who you vote for. Ha, I'm just kidding. (No, I'm not.)

10. You will never start a fight. You will not punch, slap, pull hair, etc. BUT, if some jerk kid or adult pushes you around first, sweetheart, you use your black belt ninja skills and go to town on them. I'll take you to get ice cream afterwards.

11. You will take piano lessons for at least 5 years. After that, you can decide if you want to continue. If you want to learn another instrument as well, fine with me. (No drums...unless you want to live in the garage.)

12. You can have whatever hobbies you want...horseback riding, painting, softball, doing math equations with your Dad...we'll support you fully. If Dad's not there, I can't help you with the math, though.

13. No cell phones until you're driving on your own. I was 18 when I got my first cell phone and I survived. We might get you one of those 4 button phones, but we'll see.

14. No bikinis. And don't listen to your Momma Joe or pay any attention to pictures she shows you of me in a bikini. That was--ahem--years ago and it's senseless and silly. And they cost twice as much as one-pieces for half the material. And Momma Joe says crazy stuff all the time. Water's cold anyway.

15. Once again, no switching of identities. I mean it.


  1. sooo... making rules for the girls...i believe i had some of those same rules and fought you tooth and nail to get you to follow them.....i am buying them their first bikinis when they turn one!!

  2. 2. Good rule. You can call me "dude" or "duder" when your mom's not around.

    3. Good rule.

    5. Good rule. Don't let yourself go somewhere with another person until you are able to drive YOURSELF out of a bad situation.

    7. I happen to know the dean of this institution. It's a great school, and it's free, which is nice. You'll be more self-confident, self-sufficient, and self-awesome when you're done.

    8. Good rule.

    9. Good rule.

    13. Awesome rule.

    14. REAL awesome rule.



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Mom, keep it clean.
Have a fabtastic day!