Monday, September 28, 2009

10 Items

I was just looking at baby stuff this know...cuz that's what I do. And I came across these fabulous items. Why OH WHY did I not register for all of these.....

(I did not write this article...I merely copied and pasted. My comments are in red.)

10 Items that make your baby look like a moron...

10) The Baby Toupee:

Laugh it up, ho.

This is mostly a joke, but it's a real product for real babies. It has no purpose other than for you to put it on and then laugh at how stupid your baby looks. Yeah.

It's not like they care, them being babies and all.
Ordering this today.

Only slightly better is the redneck pacifier:

Oh yes, it's a real binky. I laugh every time I see one of these. But the poor baby never looks amused.

9) Ridiculous Cribs

This is another one designed more for the parents than the baby. This wrought iron monstrosity costs more than $2,000.

I guess if parents really want to spend a brazillian dollars on the baby's nursery, it's their prerogative. But come on. The kid ain't the emperor of Japan.
I could not agree more. And as a practicality, once the baby starts moving around, those bumpers are going to get tugged on and ripped off, and the slats of the crib are going to get slobbered all over. Most cribs are wood and have a plastic coating, designed to be chewed on. This is more like a mini jail cell, with genuine iron bars.

If you're going to insist on putting your baby in this, item number 3 on this list is also recommended.

Speaking of cribs, while searching around tonight I saw this thing. I bet it's probably really comfortable for the baby, but man is it creepy. If the baby spends too much time in this thing he'll probably end up on late-night radio in 30 years talking about his repressed memories of being abducted by aliens.

That's the
Moffii cradle, aka the Alien Overlord Doom Pod. I kind of want one for me.

8) Feeding products designed to give dad the "experience" of breastfeeding.

There are many bottle slings and whatnots out there, designed to be put over the shoulder and hung right at the general nipple area in order to simulate breastfeeding.


It's weird. Don't do it. There's nothing wrong with a dad spending as much time as possible caring for and feeding the baby, but this is over the top. I can guarantee you if your baby finds out once he's grown up, he'll never want to look at you again.
This is just wrong...on so many levels.

(And if you really want to be freaked out, read the article about men who really produce milk.)

7) The Leash.

She kept jumping the fence, so a leash was the next step. We don't want to have to spay her.

Once you've sufficiently humiliated your baby by putting the toupee on, it's possible she may still have some self respect once she starts walking. Obviously you need to take her out into public and treat her like dog.

I have to admit I've seen plenty of toddlers out there who probably could use a leash. And you have to applaud parents who have proper control of their kids out in public. Plus it really can be a dangerous world out there.
Now...I kind of only half-heartedly agree with this one. I think a lot of monster kids out there need leashes. And muzzles. My kids won't need either, though. The thought of misbehaving in public and experiencing my wrath will be leash enough. Which is exactly why I still clasp my hands behind my back when I walk into a crystal or china's ingrained into my soul. Break something and forever rue the day.

6) The Stepford Baby Subliminal Programming CDs

There are tons of these on Amazon and Ebay. You play these CDs while baby sleeps, and she's bombarded with subliminal messages that'll help her grow up to be a genius.

I'm not a scientist. I don't know if subliminal advertising and programming works or not.

So let's assume just for a second that it does indeed work. Are you really that competitive that you are willing to mess with your baby's head just so she'll be motivated later in life to be a lawyer or an accountant, instead of a beatnik?

Do you know how sick and weird that is?
I really hope people realize that a person's IQ is determined right at conception and there's nothing you can do to change it. Yeah, you can stimulate the brain and help it develop quicker, but the IQ remains the same. Which is exactly why I listen to Taylor Swift instead of Mozart. Yes, I like Taylor Swift...shut up.

5) The Tummy Tub
It's a bathing system for your baby.

Maybe it's just me, but sticking a baby in a bucket and then holding him by his head so he doesn't sink and drown doesn't exactly seem like the best method of giving him a proper bath. Does this remind anyone else of those sci-fi horror movies when the protagonist walks into the creepy science labs and sees those perfectly lighted jars filled with floating...things...that wink at you and eventually come alive?

4) Mommy's little sucker

A vacuum cleaner
both mom and baby (well, toddler) can enjoy. This is a real vacuum that doubles as a toy a kid can ride. It's very neat looking.

When I first saw this, I thought it was awesome. But I keep getting these nagging little thoughts about it in practice, and I remember my mom. She likes the canister vacuum system. She always has. My dad used to have to buy her a new one every year because she would inevitably turn the corner and not look at where the canister part was, and it would plummet down the stairs to the first floor. Once it even caught on fire. Now imagine a screaming, deafened kid perched on back.
I wonder what the weight limit is. Fun, right??

3) The ThudGuard

It's a hardhat for your
little klutz.

While there are babies out there with genuine medical conditions that require protective gear, this is marketed toward the average baby. Better safe than sorry! Keep a hardhat on your baby at all times, and she'll never get hurt!

This is just as humiliating as the leash. We all want to keep our babies safe. But if you're going to do something like this, you might as well wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them in a padded room until they're 18. Sure, accidents happen. But there's a difference between an ounce of prevention and a pound of it.
Most adults needs these.

2) The Baby Keeper.

It's a
baby carrier you hang over a public restroom stall while you go.

While I guess something like this is needed from time to time, I suspect rubbing a baby across the wall of a public bathroom might not be the most sanitary solution.
Now this is awesome. Two in holder AND bathroom entertainment.

1) The Zaky Pillow: aka The Bed Wetter.

at this thing. I challenge you to look at this and a not be completely freaked out:

Oh my gosh...oh my gosh...Maybe if I close my eyes, it can't get me... Agh! It's still there.

Disembodied zombie hands to hold the baby in place.

I don't care how well they say this works. It's the creepiest baby product I have ever seen, and it deserves its place as #1 on this list.
PERFECT for their first Halloween.


  1. That last one is absolutely amazing. I've never seen it and am completely freaked out by it.

  2. The Baby Keeper cracks me up! I like kid leashes. In fact, I wish more people would use them!

  3. i vote for the unconnected hands-they have come back to haunt you and the twinsleys:)

  4. I'm glad to know what you really want for Ping and Pong. Making my shopping list right now ;)

  5. You just wait until the kids are 3 and you want to go to an arts and crafts fair... then you'll take back what you said about the leash. Jack actually has a "monkey backpack."

    Oh, and here's a much more beautiful alternative to the baby hammock you've got there.


I like your comments.
Mom, keep it clean.
Have a fabtastic day!