Sky Mall

If you've ever flown in an airplane before, you've perused through the seat pocket in front of you and no doubt found a 20-year old barf bag, a napkin or two, the flight company's magazine, the illustrated card that covers all of the emergency situations, and a copy of Sky Mall. 

I. Love. To. Read. Sky. Mall. Magazine. It's fabulous. It's filled with so much...crap. A third of the stuff is actually useful and pretty ingenious. Another third is still ingenious, yet totally a waste of money and space. The last third is made up of were-they-smoking-pot-when-they-came-up-with-this? stuff. 

I've always wanted to buy something from it. They actually have some pretty good prices. I mean, you can get a Harry Potter wand for $24!! I'm sure Harry himself paid much more for it in Diagon Alley. I ALMOST stashed a copy of it in my backpack this last trip. The stewardess...ahem, excuse me...flight attendant kept saying something about a complimentary copy of US Airways magazine, but she never mentioned Sky Mall, so I was like, nah. But, as I flipped through, I came across some very interesting and unique products. I'm thinking of ordering some of these...

Time to Stop Snoring Wristband

This little handy device is worn around your wrist. If you start snoring, it senses the vibrations in your body and ELECTROCUTES you. I mean, it "sends safe electronic pulses to your wrist." Why would you do that to yourself? It'd be a fun prank to pull on somebody while they were sleeping, though.

Poop Freeze

Because we all like to keep our poop as fresh as possible. 

Smart Ramp

Because it might be too much for the DOG to jump up or down 2 feet. It's got a "grip-tape tread surface and high-profile rails in a contrasting color to keep your dog on track." As we all know, dogs weren't made to climb around on stuff or use their padded paws to walk on surfaces other than those that are grip-taped.

Toppik Hair Building Fibers

You sprinkle little fibers of your matching color into your hair to lessen the appearance of baldness. All I can think of is that magnet game you used to play when you were a kid. The one where you put a mustache or hair or beard on a person...remember that one?

Musical Raccoon Maestro

Everyone needs one of these in their yards. It literally welcomes you home. 

Basho the Sumo Wrestler

And one of these. 

Zombie of Montclaire Moors

Definitely this one, too. Appropriate for all seasons. "Captured in meticulous detail in quality designer resin and finished so realistically that you'll swear you can hear him breathing." That's how I like my garden zombies.

Big Foot Garden Sculpture

Why? I mean, who-wha...why? Why? "Hand-painted for startling realism." ?? "The two-foot tall Garden Yeti will have guests admiring your creative gardening style." ?? Do you really want them to? 

Aculife Therapist Deluxe

Basically, "you diagnose and heal yourself and your family" with this little contraption. That's just something I think no one should do. They use the tattoos found on the 5,000 year old mummy Otzi to pinpoint exactly where you need to electrocute YOURSELF...in the hand.  Why should you go to a licensed acupuncturist to heal ALL of your bodily diseases and ailments when you can zap your own hand. It's just so logical, right? It even comes with a map of your hand.

Brightfeet Lighted Slippers

Why turn on the lights when you can be fashionably awesome in these bad boys? 

Relax 'N Nap Pillow

Because you want your husband and children to come home and find you like this. 

Releaf Neck Rest/Komfort Kollar

It doesn't look ridiculous at all, Sue. Go ahead and wear it, as long as you're comfortable. 

SkyRest Travel Pillow

Why are just women wearing the Komfort Kollar? Oh, because all of the men have THIS. It's not bulky at all and I'm sure the airline will allow you to take this AND your rolling carry-on onboard. Actually, I think it might be inflatable, but you'd need to be on a 10-hour flight just to get it blown up.

Swimsafe Floatsuit

"Oh, Brayden, have you been working out?"  "Why, yes, Mackenzie, I have been doing a few push-ups here and there. You're looking pretty buff yourself. What is that fabulous outfit you have on?"  "Oh, this old thing? You're so sweet to notice. Giggle giggle."

Beach Cabana

Now this product I really am thinking of ordering. It's a nice tent for the beach, as you can see. I just think the photo shoot was stupid. It's designed to keep you out of the sun, but still be able to feel the breeze and enjoy the sights. Why then is she laid out like Miss Hawaiian Tropic? It's completely defeating the purpose. I picture a family of snowbirds under the tent with SPF 400 on their noses.