Questions from a Child

My mom's best friend and my other mom, "Miz Di", sent me this email and I just thought it was so stinking cute. Apparently some kids were told to ask God questions or write down a prayer and this is what they came up with. 

What Not to Watch and New BFFs

Yesterday afternoon, I slept pretty much the whole time. Brother Noah came to visit over the weekend as well as our good friend Joseph and while the boys hung out, I just slept. And it was wonderful. I had had a pretty rough weekend...well, week...these kiddos are killing me. When they get here, I'm expecting foot and back rubs all day long. Don't worry, I'll give them a few years to develop their motor skills. Joseph headed home and Noah headed on back up to school and poor little David was stuck with Mrs. Boring. So, I sent him off to see a movie with Zack and Malinda. While he was away, I migrated to the couch and laid down there. I flipped on el TV and found the MTV show "16 and Pregnant." Wow. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you to show it to every teenager you know, but don't watch it yourself. Tell you what, don't watch any pregnancy-related show if you're babied...don't even watch the Animal Planet baby shows. I, unfortunately, did watch the whole episode. I have officially decided that the stork is bringing my kids right to the front door and I get to skip the whole pushing nonsense. That's just plain silly. (Blast you, Eve.) Also, the girl wanted her ENTIRE family in the delivery room with her. I'm talking dad, mom, brother, boyfriend, Uncle Gary and Great Aunt Sue. And they were all WATCHING watching. No way...absolutely no way. That's messed up. Of course my husband and maybe my mom, but that's it. But it doesn't matter anyway, because the stork is bringing them. But, alas, the young couple had a healthy baby girl and they named her Leah Leean. Yep. After that I switched between Bridezillas and Amazing Wedding Cakes. 

Aside from my living, breathing human friends...I have a few new best friends. 

Otter Pops - mmmmm, so cool and refreshing...and so many fun flavors.

Cool Ranch Doritos - they've kind of always been one of my best buds, but even more so now. 

Cocoa Puffs - who doesn't love them.

Crystal Light water flavorers - I have to stay "hydrated" because of the whole baby and general living thing and, although I have no problem with water, apparently the childrens do and the thought of water makes me gag, so sweet David got me some Crystal Light and it has been a life saver. 

Turkey sausage cream cheese breakfast pastries - We got the recipe from Billy and Beth and oh my gosh...so stinking delicious. I don't have a picture of them because I eat them too fast to get one, so I just put a smiley face because that's how eating those makes me feel. 

Also, last week was not the week to be a celebrity...first Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson, and now Billy Mays?? What the mess?!

MJ

Well, as I'm sure you've all heard, Michael Jackson died yesterday afternoon. I didn't cry or anything, but I did kind of think to myself..."aw, that's too bad," because I remember how awesome he used to be (until he became white and his nose fell in on top of itself.) There definitely hasn't been another performer that has had quite the impact on the world as America's own creepy Peter Pan. I took a quick trip down Memory Lane as I pondered the King of Pop's life...

Do you remember the Captain Eo attraction at Epcot in Disney World? I. LOVED. IT. We would go to it every time we visited DW. It was before MJ's face completely melted off. I don't know if my parents loved it, but they'd always take us. It was a 20 minute video about this rag-tag band flying through the galaxy, evading bad guy spaceships, trying to deliver a map to the Supreme Leader-the map ended up being eaten by an elephant creature called Hooter, and finally landing on this Borg-type planet. The Supreme Leader was this super scary spider Borg queen-type of person who was just rude and kept wanting a "gift", but instead, Captain Eo and his band sang her and her minions into awesome 80's costumes and dance moves and they all became a big, happy dancing family and the Supreme Leader turned into none other than Angelica Houston. It was so great. I always wanted Captain Eo's white, flashy light jacket and sweet boots. If you haven't seen it, please go watch it. It's a two-parter. It will change your life. And possibly give you nightmares.

I've tried for 26 years and I still can't do the moon walk. Nobody can dance like MJ...not even me. And y'all know how incredible I am. 

Our babysitter growing up, Melanie, was obsessed with Michael...almost as much as she was obsessed with Tom Cruise, who she actually met a few times and got his autograph. But then again, he was pretty foxy in his Top Gun days. Anyways. Melanie would let us wear her marching band gloves and jacket and play some MJ for us and we'd have contests to see who could lip sync the best. Sara always won, cuz she's a freak. 

Sometimes, when Seumas or Blue jump up in my lap when I'm working, I'll push them down and say "Beat it." And then I'll have that song stuck in my head all day. 

I used to have the entire Thriller dance memorized. I don't think I can do it anymore. That was a great video. One year for Halloween, at my second job, our department did a Zombie Prom theme and we played Thriller all. day. long. Nobody cared, cuz it was awesome. Here's the poster I did inviting people to come to our brain-eating partay. I'm in the top left corner...yep.

The world will definitely miss him. A B C, it's easy as 1 2 3...or simple as do re mi, A B C, 1 2 3, Baby, you and me, girl...

Belly

Well, Jamee wanted to see some belly pictures, so I thought I'd oblige. I've been taking them since week 4, but weeks 4, 5 and 6 look exactly the same, so I thought I'd start with week 6. 

6 weeks

7 weeks
Just kidding.

8 weeks
Don't be jealous of my awesome pants. Sistah made them for me for my high school graduation.

9 weeks (today)

Yes, I realize my tattoos will undergo some major transformations, but that's okay. 

Thoughts for Today

We had a softball game last night. We did not win. :( But, that's okay, because we played hard. They just played harder...and hit two over-the-fence homeruns. The team we played was a dry wall company. They didn't smile once. We usually play churches and they always smile, but not these folks. It's their goal in life never to smile. 

I learned a lot last night...

- The more Cool Ranch Doritos I eat, the more awesome I feel. 

- It's really hot outside. 

- The short, heavy guy can REALLY hit the ball...so back up. 

- The tubbier/older the umpire, the more of a jerk he is. And the more I want to punch him.

- We have the best fans cheering for us. We really do. We appreciate you guys...and we appreciate Ben and Zack's nonsensical phrases because they confuse the other team...and probably makes them feel a little sorry for you guys. But hey, it works. 

- Sweating profusely and wiping my Dorito-encrusted hands over my face is not helping my pracne (pregnancy acne) situation. 

- It's really hot outside. 

So, all this Jon and Kate nonsense. What is up with that? On one hand, you have a husband who is treated like a kid and yelled at like he's 5. On the other hand, you have a wife whose husband is lazy and doesn't listen to anything and must be treated like one of the kids. Yeah, sure, she's bossy and controlling, but gosh, she has EIGHT KIDS. I'm bossy and I have a cat and dog and they don't even talk back. Did he cheat on her, did he not? Who knows? Did she cheat on him, did she not? What is up with her hair? Why did he get earrings (because they are REALLY not helping his image.) Did fame and fortune go to their heads? Probably. How long will it take before they become "those people we used to talk about a lot and used to have some reality show" and we can't even remember their names? The whole thing is just sad to me. I think it was a situation they both could have worked harder on. But what do I know. Dr. Ruth, signing out. (Note to self: If a TV network asks to film my life 24/7 and promises to make me super rich, give them cookies and send them on their way.)  I plan on becoming super rich on my own...by completing my research and development on this new micro-processor that Cyberdyne commissioned me to create. We'll see how that goes. Anyways. 

The most refreshing drink of the summer is a bottled Sprite. Glass bottled drinks in general taste sooo much better, but a Sprite...it takes the prize. Try one today...available at your local grocer. Or any store that sells them. 

So Stinking Hot

Summer is usually my favorite time of year...well, Summer and Spring. This year's a little different for me. I still love them both, but now, I feel like both seasons are demanding a little too much from me and I'm getting irritable about it. I hate the cold. Well, a month and a half ago I did. I am actually looking forward to Fall...OH UNKNOWN UNIVERSE! Yeah, it's pretty amazing that I would ever say that, but ever since these two squatters moved in, the heat has been left on 24/7 and they're gonna pay for the electricity bill, mind you, but it's just so darn hot. I don't even think we had a Spring...it went straight from Fake Winter to Summer at the Gates of Hades. 

But with the heat comes some great news...THE POOL IS OPEN! woot woot! Even though it's been swim-worthy weather since March, they won't open the pool until around Memorial Day, which is ridiculous. And which is also why I wrote the neighborhood association a letter about it. I'm PRETTY sure they hate me. That's okay...I don't like them either. (When we get our anonymous survey about the association each year, I make sure I put my name on it so they KNOW who is talking to them...let's see if I get a note in my mailbox about having a yellow water hose THIS years...ha). So anyways...the pool. 

It's a fairly big pool...which is nice...and if you go after 6:30, most of the kids are gone and all you're left with is creepy guy hanging out at the pool by himself, makey outey teenagers in the corner, and the pool closer person (who, if you smile at her and ask politely, will let you stay past closing time). I love to swim. Swimming's my favorite. It's the best form of exercise and it's just plain fun. So, last night, Zack and Malinda came over and swam with us. We played Categories, Marco Polo, Who Can Launch Who the Farthest, and some other stuff we made up. Yes, we are all 10 years old and we had a blast. We stayed until our fingers got pruney. And it sure beat just sitting and stewing in your own sweat. It was a good day. 

No pool tonight. Your Mom's Team dominates the fields at 7:30!

Daddio

So, yesterday was Father's Day. I'm sure you guys knew that, but some people don't have calendars, so...just trying to help.

My dad is the best. We had him ordered internationally and paid a pretty price for him, so we knew he'd be of the highest quality and he is. I've learned a lot from Dad over the past 26 years. Here's just a few things...

• When Dad's ears turn red...RUN! It doesn't matter where, just run. OR, pray for the earth to swallow you whole because you don't want to face his wrath. (Actually, Dad never really gets angry...he's always been super patient, which is amazing because he had us for a family. But seriously, watch for the ears.)

• Don't call him "Doo Doo Head" when you're 3 and your hair is long and he's brushing it like Mom asked and the tangles are just too much and you blurt it out. Because what's coming next is worse than the tangles...so, just take the tangles. 

• It's scientifically possible to laugh without making a sound. 

• Don't BEEEEEGGGGG to hold the gallon of milk at the grocery store when you're 4 and then complain later because it's "too heeeaaavvvyyy" and then drop it on the floor and watch it splatter everywhere. Because, that will get you a spanking. 

• Asking Dad "one more time" to open "one present on Christmas Eve...JUST ONE, DAD!" just might be the end of your life, so weigh your decision carefully. 

• When Dad has been on a plane for 8 hours, stuck with four kids and a wife who hates flying and has to take an Ambien and is completely out of it, and is hungry and tired and has already had to retrieve one of the kids because they left their room on the cruise ship and got lost twice, he doesn't make much sense. For example, we arrive in Vancouver and boarded the boat headed for Alaska. Me, Sara, Noah and Peter are all in a room...Mom and Dad have a room. We all decided to take a nap before supper. I was drunk because, when we walked into the room, I saw two beautiful glasses of orange juice and I was PARCHED. Sara took a sip and didn't like it...saying it tasted bitter and "weird." So, I swigged both of the glasses completely. Yeah, they did taste weird. Two seconds later, Mom comes running into the room..."Don't drink the orange juice! It's got vodka in it." Well, too late. Your 15 year old is wasted. But, nothing a nap couldn't cure. Well, Peter decides no nap for him. So, he sneaks out twice and twice, gets lost on the boat and gets crew members to make an announcement to come and get him. So, so much for the nap. Of course, kids being kids, right before supper, we all start bickering. Mom and Dad aren't happy about that. Dad comes in to put a stop to it. "All of you, sit down! I don't want to hear another word before supper. Now, get dressed! And go wash your hands, wash your face, and wash your feet!" Sara and I, the older two, gently touch Noah and Peter's arms to stifle any giggling. But, then we couldn't stop ourselves and then Dad started laughing, and it was very much a movie moment and we all had a big, cheesy laugh. So, now, we always make sure to remind Dad to wash his feet before supper. We asked him once why he said that, and he said that he wanted to add ONE more thing in there to make his point and feet is what came out. Silly Daddy. 

• Dad makes the best cinnamon rolls and steaks. Separately, of course. 

• If Mom thinks it's cute, Dad will buy it for her. Even if it's...weird. Like the haint tree in the front yard. 

• If you want to see something really really funny (albeit, a little life-threatening), let Dad get stung by a bee. He's really allergic, but turns into the Nutty Professor and man, it's funny. But then, when the fun is over, take him to the hospital or get him his epi pen. 

• If you want to see a PG-13 movie when you're 11, don't ask Mom, cuz that ain't gonna happen. Dad will take you to see it. Because he wanted to see Jurassic Park just as much as I did. 

Dad, you really are the best and I am so so so thankful I got to be in your family. Thanks for everything you've taught us and thanks for loving us in spite of the fact that we smeared our poopy diaper all over your antique desk and then sat in it (Sara), ate fireflies and then spat them out to hand to you (Noah), "borrowed" your chainsaw to go do who knows what behind the barn (Peter), and didn't do anything wrong because, well, I'm perfect (me). Thanks for our love of Star Trek and all things Sci-Fi. Thanks for letting us get away with a LOT. I love you, Daddy! 

Look at him. Isn't he precious?! 

Scont

I'm sure we all have things we've said that we're made fun of for. I know I've said and done plenty of things and it's a running joke in my family that I once said I wanted "to be a dog for a day." (I said it when I was FIVE, but apparently, "oh ho ho, it's so stinking funny that a kid said they wanted to be an animal...oh ha ha.") Anyways. So, I couldn't help but get a few of those genes and yes, I admit, I make fun of people, too. But, who doesn't...I mean really. And most of the time, it's not what the person meant, it's just how they said it and gosh, it's just funny. Here's a few of my favorites...

(Disclaimer: I love all of these people dearly and I would do anything for any one of them. I just wanted them to know that.)

Billy - 

A few years ago, we were visiting our friends Billy and Beth and they were moving into their new place and we were helping. Billy, ever the handyman, was looking for his toolbox and asked Beth, "Where's the screwdriver, Beth?" 

Beth responded, "It's probably still in the car. What do you need it for?" 

"I'm gonna hang up these sconts...Oh, nevermind, I found it. Ruth, can you hand me that scont right there?" 

Ruth says, "I do not know what a scont is." 

"You know...one of those wall things that usually has a place for a candle or some kind of lighting."

"Do you mean a sconce...plural being sconces?"

"Oh."

I was just proud of him, because most men wouldn't have know what a sconce was. So, now, whenever we're somewhere and see a wall-mounted lighting fixture...we count them..."one scont, two sconts, three sconts..."

Noah - 

After my brother moved into his apartment with some friends at college, I called to check and see how he liked it and to tell me a little about it. We were video ichatting and he picked up his computer and carried it around and showed me his apartment...describing what everything was. "This is my bedroom...bathroom...this is the living room...kitchen...this is the dining room crook...this is the–" 

"Wait, what? Back up." 

"The kitchen?"

"No, after that." 

"The dining room crook?" 

"Yes...is there a burglar that lives in your dining room?" 

"No...I thought that's what...I thought..."

"Nook." 

"Oh. Well, I was close." 

So, now we give Noah a hard time about there being a creepy man dressed in black that lives in their dining room and steals food. 

Sara - 

A long time ago (last week), the whole family was sitting around playing Balderdash (one of my favorite games ever) and Sara was reading the definitions, "A herd of goats that only lives in the Yo-see-might Valley." The family kind of sat quietly...staring at her...

Dad says, "The what Valley? Where is that?"

Sara, "Yo-see-might...you know." 

Mom, "Yosemite."

"Oh. Well...this herd of goats lives there." 

Chelcie - 

My senior year of college, Chelcie would come and help me with art projects late at night/early in the morning and I would help her study for her nursing boards. One such night, it was close to 2 a.m., we were cutting some aluminum foil for some dumb something I was working on and she stops...and with all of the seriousness and weight of the world on her shoulders, she somberly states, "You know what's so weird about scissors...it's fascinating. Because, even though they open and close up and down, they can move back and forth at any time. Like, you control them." 

"Yes...yes, that is true." 

To this day, I still don't know whether it was because we were so tired or because the spirits of Socrates, Plato and Aristotle alighted upon her and she discovered a new study of philosophy. I just don't know, but scissors are pretty amazing. When you think about it. 

David, my darling - 

A few years ago, we watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the episode was about this pack of hyenas that would call people's names and when the person looked into their eyes, the hyenas would transfer their souls into the people and possess them and walk around as humans. When the episode finished, David turns and looks at me and says, "Can hyenas really say your name?" 

After I recovered and was wiping my eyes, I said, " I don't think they can, sweetie. You don't have to worry about it." 

"No, no! That's not what I meant...I meant, can they mimic sounds...you know, like parrots can do." 

"Sure, okay, sweetie." 

"Shut up." 

For fun, every now and then, I'll walk around the house and lilt in a high-pitched voice, "Daaaavid....oh Daaaavviiiidddd....come play with us...tee hee hee hee hehehehehe. Daaaaaviiiid. Tee heee hehehehe." He gets kinda mad. Also, whenever we go to a zoo, I make sure to get his picture by the hyena exhibits when he's not looking...and sometimes, I'll catch him staring into their eyes...they've been calling his name.......

Krazy

Yes, I spelled it that way on porpoise.  

So, my sister and I are pretty ridiculous...and dumb. This was an ichat from a few weeks ago. A fairly normal conversation for us. She's on the left, I'm on the right. 

And she was right...Lost DID make my mind crazy. What the mess is up with that show?? 

As a disclaimer, David wanted me to add that "he had never himself stated that the twins were all his doing and that when people said 'way to go, David!', he just smiled and never turned to Ruth to gloat about it." Thank you for your thought for today, David. 

Just to Clarify...

So, apparently, David's been getting all the credit for the twinsies. "Way to go, David!" "You da man!" And, that's fine...he DID have something to do with it. BUT...these suckers are fraternal, and that was MY doing. Well, God's doing, but you know what I mean. Fraternal happens on the girl's side. And my great-grandmother was a fraternal twin as well as one of my great-uncles, so...I guess there's a gene I didn't know about. Which is fine, because it made for a fun surprise. And Audry's suggestion for a "Real Men Make Twins" t-shirt for David is still gonna happen, because that's so darn cute. Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up because I'm hungry and it makes me say things. Okay, enough talk about babies. 

Your Mom's Team had a game last night and we were a little more than stupendous. It was a close game...23 - 4 was the final score, I believe. Yeah...when we're ahead that far, we back off a little and switch up positions. I played pitcher...JUST KIDDING, MOM. Geez, sit down. Last night was also the hottest it has ever been in the history of the world. It was like a damp blanket of heat was laid over the field. We all looked like we were in a sauna. It made for some interesting hairdos. 

If you don't watch Wipeout, you really really really really should. It's really the only time where it's appropriate to wet your pants laughing at someone falling and making a fool of themselves. It's a brilliant show. 

One of the kids down the road got a new engine for his scooter. It's a much more powerful engine than the scooter frame was made for, but neither he nor his parents seem to mind. He does wear a helmet, which is something. I'm waiting for him to break the sound barrier. I'm also waiting for him to careen down the hillside into the lake because he refuses to look forward whilst driving the thing. 

David and I attempted to make petit fours the other evening. David mixed the cake batter and flavoring and cut it into perfect squares. I mixed the icing...I don't know what it's called...it's not fondant, but it's not icing...you know the stuff. We put the two together and voila! They looked awful. But let me tell you how they tasted...oooooooh...yeah, they were good. Really good. Presentation ain't everything, Food Network. 

Speaking of Food Network, I wanted a corn dog the other night and sweet David brought me this...I think we watch a little too much Food Network. 

1+1=2

So...here are some pictures of our sonogram from last Friday...

Here's Baby Bermuda. Heshe is about 3 days younger than Charleston. Also, heshe is wearing sunglasses, which I think is fabulous. 

Here is Baby Charleston. Heshe is the oldest, but I think Bermuda will give himher a good fight once they get out.

Here are both of the shrimps in their pods of solace...it's really cute to me because they're facing each other. I'm pretty sure they're chatting it up. 

Oh, did I mention that it's twins? Like...two. Yeah. 

Believe you me, I only ordered one, so when I got the free promotional item extra baby, I was THRILLED. As was David. I nervously giggled a little more than David, but that's probably because I was laying on a table, etc. etc. And our doctor is a fun little trickstersneakysneakerson. He knew immediately there were two and while we're gawking over the heartbeat of Charleston, he's just going on and on about this is this and this is the head. Then, he asked, "Where else did you guys go on vacation?" I said, "Oh, just to Charleston for a few days and then to Bermuda." He smiled and said, "Oh okay. So, if this is Baby Charleston, then THIS one must be Baby Bermuda." I just laid there and smiled...........WHAT? THIS ONE WHAT? The nurse in the room with just HURLED her body over in between me and David so she could see the monitor. You would have sworn she was also having two babies. 

So...after we recovered from the initial shock, Doc proceeded to tell us all the fun stuff about twinsies. My questions, of course, were making no sense. My conversation skills had left me completely by then...not that I had many before. I asked what were the odds of that just happening? And he said it was pretty uncommon without the help of fertility drugs, but obviously possible...then he added, "Just a random occurrence. But as we know, nothing in God's universe is random." I love our doctor. Thankfully, I don't really have to change anything until a few months from now. And I can keep playing softball as long as I "don't slide or catch the ball with my belly button." And I don't do that anymore, so...woot! 

They're fraternal (Doc doesn't "like the term fraternal"...which is weird...but he calls them di-di twins. I'm assuming from the word dizygotic or whatever that word is...I dunno.)...so, could be two girls, two boys or one of each. It also means they may or may not look just alike. Obviously, they'll be different, but sometimes it is hard to tell even fraternal twins apart. Just to help ease everyone's mind...because I know you're all wondering this...I. Will. Not. Dress. Them. Alike. Period. 

I've already gotten a few suggestions for names from Shane. For girls, Tinker and Bell. For boys, Hamburgler and Grimace. I'm definitely considering them. 

Also, Doc says I won't even make it to my due date of January 28. More than likely, it'll be early to mid-January. But I've got my fingers crossed for 2009 TAX DEDUCTIONS, BABY!

We are begging for your prayers that these two munchkins grow strong and healthy. We are so blessed to have the most incredible friends and family and people who won't send me to jail when I drop off the childrens at their front door for a few hours when they're 3 years old and won't shut their traps. You guys are great...thank you!

OH, I almost forgot...look what else Doc found in there...STEEL DRUMS! I couldn't be prouder.

Weekend News

I'm about to eat my hand, so I have to keep today's post short. 

Friday morning, we had an appointment to have our first ultrasound. Well, MY first ultrasound. David just got to stand there (by my head) and look pretty. The first nurse that took my BP (which was perfect, I might add, thank you very much) and temperature and asked me a whole bunch of kinda personal questions kept trying to put me at 14-15 weeks. I politely suggested that she was WRONG and explained to her how I knew this. She just kept smiling and said, "Oh, okay. Well, I'm gonna put this on here and when the doctor measures the head-to-rump, he'll be able to get a more accurate reading and tell you exactly how far along you are." I mumbled under my breath, "Yeah, 7 weeks and 1 day, like I said, lady." So, then, we went to the ultrasound room and even though I know I'm babied, it still really hasn't hit me and I'm just not comprehending it all the way. But, seeing the heart beat just radiate out from the little bean baby kind of puts me a little closer to understanding just how much of a miracle it all is and how amazing our Creator is. Don't worry, I won't get all mushy on you, but I just had to say that. It was very cool. And even Doc is calling the baby Charleston. It's cute. He measured the head-to-rump and 7 weeks and 1 day...BOO-YAH, NURSE LADY! I'll post pictures of the ultrasound tomorrow. 

Ben has graciously given Charleston a new name...Dr. Baby McNight Night. Which is awesome for hisher rapper/rock star name. It's perfect. 

It is my new life's mission to get Malinda to go see UP. You won't regret it, Linder. I promise. 

It's amazing how lazy I was this weekend and how much I just sat or laid on the couch and how not bad I feel about it. 

My brother, Peter's, birthday was yesterday. He turned 20. He's from Bulgaria. He's been with our family for 15 years. That's just about the right amount of time to turn a tiny European into a full-fledged redneck who can imitate anyone and sings bass like J.D. Sumner. All four of us kids are in our 20's. How weird is that. 

Fruit Loops are calling me...I must answer. 

Joyride

Our friends, Zack and Malinda, have been in Italy for the last two weeks touring around. While they were gone, they asked us to keep their "babies" for them. So, we lovingly cared for her Vespa and his Cruiser. We took them for walks...we bathed them...we fed them. 

I went to space.  

And then I went shopping in the Caymans and went for a quick dive with the dolphins. 

David went to see an erupting volcano. 

He also went to see the pyramids. 

And then I met up with him later for a sunset ride through Egypt. 

The end. 

(Hey, it was this post or no post at all.)

I've Got that Throw Up Feelin'....Whoooaa That Throw Up Feelin'

That's to the tune of You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' in case you didn't get that...I guess it doesn't really translate when it's the title of something. Oh well. 

I'm scooched down way far in my chair because if I sit or stand up, I'm afraid my Fruit Loops won't last long in the tornado of fury and hate where my digestive tract once was. For the past few days, it's been getting worse and no up-chucking yet, thank goodness, but it's just the misery of that feeling. There's nothing worse in this world than feeling nauseated. You all know what I mean. It comes and goes...if I'm being active like out for a jog or playing a softball game or eating (that is an activity), then I feel fine. The mornings and nights are the worst. That's why I'm being lazy right now and talking to you about throw up instead of writing a real post. Why AM I still talking about it? I dunno. 

Before bed last night, we found the full episode of Will Ferrell on Man Vs. Wild online and watched it. It was awesome. They were up in north Sweden in the Arctic and they had to eat a reindeer head for breakfast. Is it sad that I thought to myself, "Hmmm...I could eat that." 

Tuesday Bluesday Better Wear Shoes Today

That's from a Space Ghost song. 

Last night, I dreamed that I was an Olympic swimmer with Team USA. We were all at the opening ceremony. And we got to see the pool. And there was this new feature where all of the swimmers were shot out of this water cannon at the beginning of each race. I thought, this oughta be fun. And then I woke up and my dreams of being in the Olympics were shattered to pieces.  Curse you, REM cycle!!!

A couple in Boulder, CO are about to be evicted by their landlord because they keep gardening in the nude. They say their rights to free naked green thumbery is being harassed and they're threatening to sue. I wouldn't have a problem with it as long as they had a really really really tall privacy fence, but they don't. And it's two blocks away from an elementary school. I'm just thinking, I sure hope they don't have rose bushes. 

A lot of airlines are reducing the size of spoons and getting rid of inflight magazines to make planes lighter and save fuel. First, like the spoons were praise-worthy to begin with. And second, I'm pretty sure it's not the magazines that weigh the planes down. Just a guess here, but I think it's Mr. Food Coma in 18 B and C that had to purchase two seats to make room for his "carry-on luggage." Maybe give him the smaller spoons. 

New favorite guilty pleasure...Bridezillas. Are these women for real? Can someone really be that mean and oblivious to it? Are they really dark minions who escaped from the Phantom Zone and took human form only to marry unsuspecting earth bachelors? I don't know. I don't care. I love it.

My goal this summer is to paint and draw some more. I haven't painted in forever and I miss it. David has already picked out what he wants me to do for him...a pen and ink...of a MC 80a Mon Calamari Cruiser complete with a compliment of starfighters and escorts, a Nebulon B Frigate and a Corellian Gunship. You may have to google that...I did. I am "so" excited about doing that.....can't wait.  

Conversations with Strangers

Do you ever find yourself in conversations with random people and you feel like if you don't respond a certain way, you'll get a dirty look...or shot? It happens to me a lot. I don't know why. It usually happens when I'm getting my hair cut. Hair dressers just really open up to you. You'll start on some normal topic and usually end up talking about murdering an ex-boyfriend and they want you to agree with them and I'm afraid that if I don't...I'll end up on their list. So, I just laugh nervously and nod. 

This is a conversation I recently had with the gal (we'll call her Tamara) who gave my hair a little trimaroo. 

Ruth: Just leave it long enough so I can pull it in a ponytail. I'm playing softball this summer and it'll drive me crazy if I can't pull it up. 

Tamara: Oh, what league are you playing with? 

Ruth: The city league. 

Tamara: Well, fun...I used to play with them, but I've got an ex-boyfriend that works down at the park. We got into some physical fights when we were dating. He had to go to the hospital twice. I don't want to be running into him, you know. Hahahaha, you know what I mean...hahaha...*nudge nudge*

Ruth: Ha...yep...uh...wow. Boys...ha. 

How Ruth really wanted to respond: Yeah, that's a big no for me. I have no idea what you mean. 

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Last year, this is a conversation I had with the lady (we'll call her Joan) at that salon near the Winn Dixie. 

Joan: I tell ya what...men...can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Ruth: Yeah yeah...haha. (Raised eyebrow)

Joan: 'Bout two years ago, my boyfriend and I were fighting a lot and I finally just told him to hit the road, you know. Time to get out...time to be free of that bum.

Ruth: Yep. 

Joan: Well, I found out later he had been cheatin' on me with some pile of trash named Candy. What kind of a name is Candy? So, I'm glad I threw his sorry behind out. (substituting some words here)

Ruth: Wow...that's crazy. 

Joan: Yeah, and then the idiot decides he wants to come back to me. Begs for me to take him back. He shows up to my house one night knocking on the door...I run back to the bedroom and grab the shotgun and cock it once and yell at him that I don't want none of his cheatin' ways no more and to skedaddle. I told him I was gonna call the cops. That would've been the 5th time they were there that week for some other stuff I had been up to. He finally headed off...but I would have shot his sorry rear if he had been on that porch for three more seconds, you know. You gotta do what you gotta do, you know...*nudge nudge*

Ruth: Yeah...ha...yep...I uh...yeah. (discreetly dialing 911)

How Ruth really wanted to respond: How did you pass the background check to get a shotgun? 

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And also the time I was buying new tires and the guy behind me (we'll call him Robert) says: New tires?

Ruth: Oh, yeah...my other ones are losing their tread pretty bad.

Robert: That's what I'm here for, too. Gotta get something that'll get me away from the cops faster, you know what I mean. Har har har! 

Ruth: Ha ha. (gulp! and turn back towards the counter)

How Ruth really wanted to respond: Yeah, no. I generally don't do stuff that would warrant them wanting to chase me. 

How Ruth really really wanted to respond to see the reaction of other people in line: You're gonna want the new Michelin Turbo 3000 X for that. 

Not So Sweet Potato Fries

So, ever since Monday when David and I watched an episode of Bones before bed where Dr. Brennan was sharing some fries Dr. Saroyan, I've been dying to have some sweet potato fries. So, David picks me up some sweet potatoes on Tuesday and yesterday evening, David and I made a whole heaping batch of sweet potato fries. They smelled so delicious and they tasted even better. 

Here's how to make them...in case you didn't know: 

You'll need some sweet potatoes. Wash them off, unless you have a dirt deficiency. 

Find yourself a hot, hunky man to cut up the potatoes. (I found mine in the mountains of Tennessee, so that's a good place to start looking.) 

You'll also need a vacuum dog...one of those contraptions that sucks up every speck of food off the kitchen floor when you "accidentally" drop something. You can find them at any Bed, Bath & Beyond...Target has some good prices, too. 

You'll want a cat. The meanest, most loathsome cat you can find. One that stares at you with the wrath of a thousand angry souls and makes you sleep with one eye open. 

Get you some E.V.O.O. Extra Virgin Olive Oil or just some animal fat, if you don't care about your heart, and slap it in a big skillet over medium to high heat. Wiggle it around to spread it evenly. Throw your cut up potatoes in and cook for a little bit...stirring occasionally. You can go ahead and salt them if you like or wait until after. Whatevs. They'll start out looking like carrots. 

But they'll eventually start looking like this. You can cook them for as long as you want. They'll eventually turn to mush. I like them with a little bit of burnt crisp on a side. 

Pour over a paper towel to soak up the extra oil and devour. You're welcome. And I'm sorry I look like a homeless person.

WARNING: Enjoying this delicacy comes at a very high cost. If you cook them yourself and the smell of sautéed sweet potatoes lingers in your house for awhile and then you eat waaaay too much of them because you just HAD to have them...you might become sick during the night and wake up several times and feel the need to splash cold water on your face and spray yourself with your Bermuda Lili eau du toilette to get rid of the incessant sweet potato smell that won't go away and go back to sleep only to wake up in the morning and absolutely hate sweet potatoes and never want to eat them again. The end.