Friday, November 6, 2009

Solutions

I have a solution for everything...I really do.

You fix a big bowl of Multi-Grain Cheerios, all excited about it, open the fridge and whaaaaat? There's only whole milk? Where is the skim milk? You've had skim milk your entire life...whole milk is blegh! It's like drinking a jug of Crisco lard. Well, you really want those Cheerios...suck it up and pour the milk. Then, add equal parts water...problem solved. Now, you have watery whole milk...which is basically skim milk. And why is there whole milk in my fridge? I'm assuming it has something to do with something David has made recently.

You make a huge batch of Lemon Blossoms for the marriage retreat this weekend...but alas, they won't all fit in the container. What do you do? You, in one sitting, eat all of the extras that won't fit...problem solved. And delicious. Man, you make good Lemon Blossoms, Ruthie.

You're putting up your laundry and poops, your t-shirts won't fit in the t-shirt drawer. How did this happen...they used to all fit. Well, you summon all of your might and SHOVE them into the drawer...even if the drawer screams in agony and fights it...you make it work. Even if you can never get to your t-shirts again because the drawer is wedged completely shut...you at least got the shirts in there...problem solved.

You're unloading the dishwasher and you can't really bend over well enough to organize the tupperware cabinet, so you just kind of toss everything in there and QUICKLY (it has to be quick) shut the door. You know the danger that awaits for the next unsuspecting victim...tupperware attack. But, it's okay...you won't be opening it...AND you got the dishes put up...problem solved.

You have a ton of Christmas shopping to do, but you can only walk for about an hour before your feet explode. Amazon.com it, baby...problem solved. Now, are you not only finished with Christmas shopping before the end of October, you're totally in the Christmas spirit for the rest of the year.

You're too tired/lazy/disinterested to dress up for anything...it's all good. Get pregnant. You can wear whatever you want and nobody will say anything...problem solved.

You get a phone call from a number you don't recognize...could be your friend that just switched providers, could be a telemarketer...you don't know. Always answer the phone with "Con queso?" If it's your friend, they're like, "Most definitely. I'll meet you at Los Pantalones in 5 minutes." If it's a telemarketer, it will either throw them off because it's not in the script or they'll start thinking about cheese and hang up anyway...problem solved.

You make a yogurt and fruit smoothie...tastes kind of blah, but you know it's healthy, so you drink it. But, no, it's really blah...add a banana. Fixes it right up. Your pot roast is missing something, but you don't know what...add a banana. Your Thanksgiving dressing is not quite there...add a banana...problem solved. Bananas fix everything.

Your touch-up paint job (that you spent hours working on the other night) doesn't QUIIIIITE match the living room walls, but you're too tired to care. Just tell your guests that you're going through a new artistic period in your life and wanted to express yourself...problem solved.

You're in a public waiting room...and the two munchkins residing in your belly start moving...a LOT. And it's very noticeable, even through your shirt. The guy next to you loooooooooooks...his eyes gets wide...it's obviously creeping him out. You turn to him and half-whisper, "Aliens..." And then settle back into your chair, finishing your Far Side book...problem solved.

2 comments:

  1. Your solutions rock, except you should have sent me the extra lemon blossoms. yeah that's better than you eating all the extras

    ReplyDelete

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