Solicitors

I'm home all day, working and keeping the twins alive. When the doorbell rings, I'm like, "Whose-a knockin'?!" Because usually if a visitor is coming to visitate, I know about it. Like, I know that Audry is coming over on Friday to pick up Megan's birthday present for her Saturday party that we'll be missing because we'll be up in South Caroliney for David's cousin's wedding. Got all that? We don't have a peephole, which annoys me. David said he'd install one, but then I think, "Well, it doesn't annoy me THAT bad." Badly? Bad? I think it might be "badly."

When someone knocks or rings the doorbell, I run to one of the front bedrooms and try to peep out inconspicuously. Sometimes Blue is sitting on the outside window sill and it scares me, but I can get a quick peep of the car. Nine times out of ten, it's the mailman or FedEx or UPS guys and I'm like, "Yay, a delivery!"

That last 1/10th is the one you gotta look out for. That's the solicitor. Most of the time, I can avoid them and just not answer...easy. David always answers the door and always answers the phone when he's here and I tell him, "well, then you can deal with the telemarketers and hoonannies that want to sell you magazines for a 'deal that only lasts today!'"

Dagnabbit...I'm eating a peach and, somehow, it all just came running out of my mouth onto my shirt...so now I gotta go change. Hang on.

New shirt. Okay.

Last week, I ordered a new phone and it's supposed to come in ANY SECOND NOW. So, when the doorbell rang yesterday around 11 a.m.-ish...ha, that looks like "amish"...I sprang for the door without an ounce of hesitation because I just knew it was that phone. That phone I answered the door for. That stupid phone. I expected Mr. FedEx to have a computer thingy ready for me to sign with the super tiny/awkward stylus...nope. IT WAS A SOLICITOR...times two. There were two men standing there, dressed very nicely. I'm pretty sure the word "disappointed" was plastered across my face in flashing neon lights, but they seemed so happy that someone answered the door. I wasn't.

I'm the type of person that will listen to an entire telemarketer's spill before I say I'm not interested. I can't stand the thought of interrupting them. And I know they're just doing their job...their annoying job. Same with solicitors...they've rehearsed their lines so much and I know it's worse to let them finish the whole thing and then say "no" than to just say "not interested" up front, but I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings. I've always been like that. I don't like people waiting on me in restaurants. I love cruises, but the only thing I don't like about them is the fact you have personal room stewards. I don't like people waiting on me. Ask David...I end up waiting on our butler. Like, I'll bring HIM towels. And I know that's their job, but still. Anyways. Back to the solicitor.

So, I'm kind of pouting and then mad at myself for answering the door. Solicitor #1 says, "Good morning, ma'am. Are you happy today?" Immediately, I think, "Gracious alive. At least your script could be more awesome...like, I ate a whole bunch of bananas this morning. Literally, a bunch." But no...and I said, "Uh, yeah, sure." And he goes, "Well, wonderful. We're out saying hello to all of the happy neighbors. My boss pays me $10 to give you this Coke bottle," as he hands me a 2-liter of Coke. I say, "Oh, a Coke bottle." While I'm pondering the things I could do with that Coke bottle (I'm not a huge fan, but I was thinking about how fun it'd be to shake it up a bunch and let it explode in the back yard as it sits in the heat), he goes on about something and then says, "Okay?" And I say, "Okay." And then he and Solicitor #2 trot away happily and I think, "Oh, well, gosh, that was easy." And then I realized they were going to their van to get something...their unmarked van, with the incredibly tinted windows. They scrounge around for a bit and pop back out with huge backpacks. So, I waltz out there to them and say, "Listen, I'm so sorry. I have twins that are about to wake up to eat and I work from home and I don't have time to talk right now. I'm terribly sorry. Here is your Coke back." Well, golly gee, you would have thought I shot both of their favorite dogs the way they looked so sad. And they took the bottle back (and then I thought I wish I had kept) and I walked back inside. And then, brilliant me, went to peep out the window. And yeah, they were going door to door selling something with two other guys.

I'm interested now to see what they were selling, not because I wanted to buy anything, but because I want to know what they fit inside those backpacks.

And also, solicitor companies, don't have your salespeople start their pitch with "My boss pays me $10 to give you this Coke bottle." Have them start it with "My boss pays me $10 to give you this box of Snickers bars." You'll get a lot more business...trust me.